Depression and Your Health: A Guide to the Universe

A friend came to me seeking health and nutrition advise last night.  Mind you, she's much younger than me, but I've known her since she was in kindergarten.  She's in her 20s now.  Talented musician, funny, beautiful, educated; wants to lose a bit of weight and is seeking some help from myself, [(your nutrition guru)justkidding].

She explains to me about her anxiety, lack of motivation, depression issues, and issues with over eating.  She has been seeing a counselor for help with her depression/anxiety/low self esteem.

It was at that point that I knew this wasn't a simple 'here's how many calories you should be eating, here's what your macro ratios should be, here's what you should be doing in the gym.'  This is a matter of getting your brain fixed.  Your brain always comes first.  You cannot force yourself to go to the gym or eat healthy when your brain is asking for help elsewhere.  

The struggle with depression is so real.  It's one of the most debilitating feelings in the entire universe.  If you don't receive proper help for it, it will control every aspect of your life.  This includes your motivation, ability to sleep, your diet, etc.  We all know this, it's common sense.  The 'just get off your ass' just doesn't work in these cases.  It's more than that.  It's not a lame excuse, it's very real.  

I suggested perhaps she may want to see a counselor or therapist who specializes in eating disorders.  Over-eating is a disorder not commonly talked about, but is also a very real thing, and an actual medical diagnosis.  Your diet (no, not going on a diet) needs to be in order for your body to start its' journey towards health.  Without a proper diet, your body will not process and function the way it should, which just screws your metabolism.  Pro tip: don't screw with your metabolism.  

So, I know many people, myself included, who have struggled and/or continue to struggle with depression/anxiety.  You know how hard it is to want to keep in shape.  There is not many worse feeling than forcing yourself to work out and/or eat well.  It's such a process, but when your mind has the correct vibes- when you have your depression and anxiety and stress in check- you're most likely feeling awesome and ready to exercise and eat well.  

Some of that got me thinking on a similar realm last night.  Sometimes you just realize you are not invincible no matter how good of shape you are in, no matter how well you eat, no matter how good of a person you are. I know that sounds so fucking negative, but it's reality.  Things like cancer and other sicknesses and random accidents, they can happen to the best of the best.  We're all gonna struggle with something in life no matter what the consequences.

I need to remind myself of that sometimes. I think a lot of people do. it brings you right back down to the real world. 

I know I am on this 'natural' living kick and I really enjoy it.  It's really exciting for me and aids in my mental and physical well being.  That being said, it's certainly not for everyone.  I'm an opinionated person, so I say and post a lot of things that reassure me in my mind that what I'm doing is exciting and right for me.  I feel that it aids in my ability to stay healthy and fit and treat my body the best way I can.

Do I think it's going to save me from all the evil and sickness in the world?  No.  Do I feel like I'm doing my part in helping the environment and utilizing the amazingness of nature's real products?  Yuuuuuuus I'm a pretentious douche, I know.  

Any damn way, keep your brain happy, and the rest can fall into place when your brain lets you know you're ready. Also, don't live too cautiously.  

I hope that all kinda makes sense.  It's late, I'm detoxing, and I'm on my period...so just...do what I said.

Raging Strong to 2015

Whelp, it's the last day of the year 2014.  I usually try to get a little recap going, so here goes.

This past year was a mixed bag.  A few good things, and not to be negative here, but the bad happenings seem to overshadow the good, unfortunately.

I made our Burning River Roller Girls Hazmat (B) travel team this year.  It ended up being too much for me at that specific time in my life, so I ended up leaving travel team and continued to focus on my home team, The Rolling Pin-Ups.  The Pin-ups ended up winning the Hazard Cup this year, which was absolutely amazing.  I ended up winning the Best Jammer award for the Pin Ups at our awards banquet.  That meant more to me than people will ever understand.  This past derby season was fantastic.  Our league ended up splitting the home team and travel team seasons for this upcoming season, which swayed my decision to focus on traveling with the league again.  Ive been working my ass off to train and eat like a fucking athlete, and am hoping that will get me far with the travel team.  I'm super pumped and feeling positive about the upcoming season...lots of good things in store for the derbz.

I had my 5th concussion during the season.  Took a skate check and fell backwards on my head.  Took me about 6 weeks of pure rest to get back on my skates and back to contact again.  My doctor told me he didn't want me playing anymore, but knew I would anyways, so he finally cleared me.  That 6 weeks was a true test to my mental and physical health.  No more concussions for me plz.

I moved out of my wretched old apartment and into a beautiful home with my friend, Casey.  We've had our hard times, but overall, living here is very positive.  Our dogs love each other and have a nice yard to run in, and Casey and I get to spend our time together eating delivery sushi and watching Netflix when we arent working.  We're adults and stuff.

I found what seems to be the love of my life.  A league-mate asked me if I could cover an Ultimate Frisbee tournament for a weekend, and I did.  Why not, right?  Some hottie asked me for advice on his knee, and I ended up asking him for his phone number, thinking I'd probably never hear from him or see him again.  I mean, he's from Ann Arbor...who gives a crap about that place anyways?  Whelp, a little over 5 months later and we're still together.  We see each other as much as we can, and he's planning to move here in the spring. 

I found out I am going to be an aunt this past year.  My nephew, Tank, will be born in early March.  I cannot wait to be an aunt.  I got to feel little Tankers kick in my sister in law's stomach recently, and it was the coolest experience.

The year, sadly, ended in one of the worst ways possible.  I lost a good friend and a teammate to a car accident.  Ragey was an amazing woman, friend, teammate, and mother.  This past season was obviously HER season.  She cleaned up at the awards banquet, and rightly so.  Words cannot explain what a badass she was on the track.  Words also cannot explain how fucking hilarious Rage was.  You couldnt help but smile in her presence.  I lost a good friend, Burning River lost a great athlete, the world lost a wonderful person.  That's all I can even say about that anymore.

When Ragey was in the hospital, I decided to start training harder and getting my nutrition in perfect order. I thought "if she cant, I'll do it for her."  So I started lifting more regularly and keeping track of my macros and micros on MyFitnessPal.  When she passed away, I gave myself a week to mourn and grieve, and then get my shit back in order.  I hit the workouts even harder, and got even more dedicated to my food intake.  So I have been ending this year strongly, and will continue this for as long as humanly possible.  Rage has sparked my need and want to be a better athlete on the track, so I dedicate my upcoming season to her.

All in all, I don't really have a New Years resolution.  I think they are rather silly.  You shouldnt start something because of a date, and you sure as hell should see things through ALL year EVERY year. I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, and hope that 2015 has good shit in store.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Rage On.

I Remember

It's quite coincidental that I choose to write about this today after the world has lost a celebrity to suicide.  I write this while I keep Robin Williams and his family, my beautiful cousin Tiffany, and my friend Mikey in mind

I chose to write this today for a reason; because exactly 1 year ago today, I had committed myself to a behavioral health center for suicidal actions, self harming, and crippling anxiety/depression.

I still remember those days like it was yesterday, and I know I've already told the story in one of my past pieces, so bare with me, because here I go again.

 I remember the pain and suffering that I felt for weeks.  I remember not being able to sit down for long periods of time, not being able to be alone in my apartment, taking doses of Zzzquil and glasses of wine to be able to get some semblance of sleep.  I remember training in the weight room, lifting heavy, and then running miles and miles directly after, just in hopes to tire myself out. I remember feeling hopeless and helpless- not cluing many people into how poorly I was doing.

I remember texting my derby wife, Sarah, multiple times a day, just asking her to tell me that I'm going to survive.

I remember the night before I went to the hospital- having dinner with my mom and aunts; discussing my cousin's suicide the year prior; seeing and feeling the pain as we spoke about her.  I remember silently feeling ashamed that I was feeling the same thoughts that my cousin had felt before she ended her own life.

I remember after that dinner, texting and tying an old friendship back together with someone who was like my sister for years.  I remember how much advice she gave me, and the weight lifted off my shoulders that after a year of not speaking, we went right back to laughing and joking like we used to.

I remember that night that she told me to make a decision- that she was worried and that she also thought it would be beneficial to receive treatment before I destroy myself even further.  She assured me that she'd leave work early the next day to take me in. I went home and decided to run to the lake very late and night and walk back, contemplating my decision on whether to go on feeling like this without seeking professional help, or to take the giant leap and go to Laurelwood.  I remember when the right decision came to my mind.

I remember waking up the next morning and feeling a bit better, but as the work day went on, things got exponentially worse, and I found myself panicking in my office.  I remember calling my soccer coach into my office and crying at him.  I remember making the decision to leave the high school and immediately go to the hospital.

I remember my mom calling me to make sure I was doing okay on my drive home to pack and leave, and I remember lying to her and saying yes.  I remember Kate picking me up, saying goodbye to my dog and cat, saying goodbye to a few of my friends, packing up my shit, and leaving my apartment scared shitless.

I remember sitting in the lobby of Laurelwood waiting to be taken back.  I remember telling the first lady I had to talk to everything, bawling in her office- having to tell a complete stranger that yes, I want to kill myself, and I do not feel safe going home.  I remember when I had to say goodbye to Kate and take the very long walk back through the cold white cement block halls.  I remember wanting to turn back and run- but not doing it.  I remember feeling like I wasnt in my own body as I walked through the halls, seeing the people I was going to be living with for the next however many days I had to stay.

I remember having to strip naked in front of a complete stranger as she pointed out all of my scars, cuts, tattoos, and piercings.  I remember sitting in that office alone for what seemed like forever, crying and shaking, but trying so hard to suck it all up. I remember having all of my belongings taken away from me, having my shoe laces cut and the strings taken out of my pants. 

I remember being taken into the meeting room where the patients were all hanging out like they were road dawgs for life...and here I was alone in a chair in the corner in a robe crying and staring at the floor. 

I remember a few older women starting to talk to me to try and welcome me in and reassure me, and telling me about the lives other patients that we'd be living with.  Now that I look back at it, it was kinda funny and gossipy like high school.

Then I remember my parents walking in, forgetting it was visiting night, forgetting that Kate was going to tell them that I was there, and feeling my stomach drop.  I remember crying and finally letting go of everything I was holding onto inside to them for the first time in my life.  For the first time in my life I wasnt sucking it up around my parents.  I wasnt the tough one, and ya know what?  I remember it feeling damn good to get it all out there finally.  I remember how good I felt to hear "You did the right thing" and "We're proud of you" and "We're going to make sure everything is taken care of, you just focus on getting better."

I remember finally meeting my overseeing psychiatrist in the hospital and discussing my issues, and the action plan ahead of us.  I remember him looking at me with genuine concern, and telling me that I look extremely exhausted and emaciated, and that he would do his best to help me during my stay. I remember accepting that I needed to get back on medication- that this was all going to be okay again.

I remember making friends that night on our last smoke break that evening, and actually starting to feel comfortable being there.  I remembered the games we played and the laughs we shared, the meetings we had, the crappy food we ate together. I remember helping a few people out- notably 2 younger girls going through almost the same shit I was experiencing, and I remember all of my new crazy friends helping me feel normal and at ease. I remember feeling a sense of community and being care free for a moment in time...that somehow I knew I'd survive after this experience.

As an important sidenote, I remember an old schoolmate and friend of mine, Mikey, who showed up the night after I did, after he tried to commit suicide.  I remember when we told him to join us and play jenga with us.  We all wrote our names on the jenga blocks that evening.  Our own littlle group of crazies, we called ourselves.

I remember the phone calls to and from friends and family, the constant support, and the presents that my cousin sent in for me. Yes, Kree, I still have my princess crown.

I remember the day I was being released.  I remember almost feeling sad to leave my new friends behind and go back to my real life, but knowing I'd survive.  I remember being slow clapped out by every single patient that I had spent time with- possibly one of the most moving experiences of my life.  I remember going home and desperately hugging my dog and how excited she was to see me again.  I remember finally getting to shower and shave and wear makeup and nice clothes.  I remember that day was a family reunion and a derby party after.  What a great day to be discharged- being able to experience family and friends again after what seemed like a lifetime of being in a psychiatric ward. 

I remember visiting friends in the hospital after I got out, and Mikey being there again.  I remember punching his arm and telling him I better never see him in there again, and that he better call me next time, and he promised.  And I remember him getting out again and us bullshitting from time to time...and then I remember the night I received the news that Mikey had successfully committed suicide...Feeling a wave of anger and sadness, but finding peace that he had been struggling so hard for so long, and was no longer experiencing that kind of emotional pain.

And I remember the rest of the year- the struggles I've had and the achievements I've made.  I've become stronger somehow.  Strong enough to have gotten rid of the majority of negative people and situations in my life. I'm 4 months clean from self harm now and I haven't looked back since.  I've quit other bad habits that I had accumulated throughout the times of desperation.  I can now open up to my family and friends completely about everything without feeling weird or weak.

I've given myself the chance to be alone and be okay.  I've given myself the chance to date guys without commitment; to break the cycle of serial monogamy that I had gotten myself stuck in for 10 years.  I've also allowed myself to commit to one man who is probably the most deserving person to give my heart to.  I'm in the most positive, trusting, and adult-like relationship I've ever been in. Fingers crossed.

A year later and here I am.  I survived and I'm feeling more positive than I have ever felt. I've set new weird but fun goals for myself- to try hula hooping, to stretch every day, to be able to do the splits, and to get my mile PR down from 8:44, to read more books that challenge my brain.  All things that I can accomplish at some point or another.

Ya know, it's funny.  I found myself getting more emotional over the positive points Ive made in this blog.  Positivity is such a freeing and overwhelming feeling.  Letting all this out and reminiscing about it to people i know, and dont even dont know, always makes me feel great inside.

I know I say this after everything I write, but I am always here for those who need me- be it advice, help, a person to bullshit with, to hang with, whatever.  There is an upside to life, and it'll come to you no matter what, so dont give up. Or else ;)

I love you all.

What a Day...

It's been a while since I've written, but it's also been a while since I've needed to, really.  I feel like I really need to reach out, because I've been shutting down and hiding everything.  I've learned how destructive that can be, and I want to break that before I lose it.

It's like nothing and everything are going wrong at the same time.  That's the worst feeling in the world- when you don't have a reason to be down, but you're down anyways. 

Five weeks ago I was perfectly fine.  Seemed like all was well enough with life for me to tell people I've never been happier.

Four weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend because we decided we are on different life paths.  That was pretty hard to do, considering we were together for almost 2 years, and him and I were doing so well at the time.  So I became newly single and wasn't quite sure how to do so.

Three weeks ago, I fell backwards onto my head so hard and gave myself a pretty nasty concussion.  I was convinced I'd walk it off in a day or so, but that wasn't exactly the case.  I slept for 72 hours straight, had nasty headaches and pressure in my head, the whole shabangabang.  Being an Athletic Trainer, I knew this was bad news for any derby or exercise related stuff for a while. 

 A few days later, I had to move from my apartment into the house.  Moving has always been stressful enough for me, but the head injury made it a bit worse.  Thankfully, my good friends were all there to help me make it to the house pretty smoothly. 

The headaches continued, and obviously I had to remove myself from playing derby for the time being.  I just wasn't getting any better physically, so I had to go to the doctor.  He put me on medical leave from pretty much everything- derby, work, ...everything.  Of course, I still worked as much as I could make myself anyways.  I was pretty much done with being an invalid, but was still struggling at the same time.

So fast forward a little bit here to 2 weeks ago.  Still having concussion symptoms, and add in some serious emotional and depression problems, probably mostly due to the concussion. I saw my doc again for a follow up, and he pretty much said no derby for 3-4 more weeks, and I should seriously consider retiring because this is my 4th concussion.  He also knows me too well to expect me to actually retire.   Being off skates has been awful.  I try to go to practices to keep myself connected to my teammates, but watching people skate around in circles hadnt been so easy on my head.  I was taken out of doing anything physical, so I had no release for anything.  Nothing to channel my depression into at all besides sleep.  Sleep gets old after a while. 

So this week, I have found myself shutting down and being self destructive once again.  I found myself feeling alone, emotionless, detatched, unhealthy, and hiding from my friends.  All I want to do is sleep and eat.  I downed like 3 pints of Ben and Jerry's in 3 days.  High five.  I mean I know I'm not alone- I have an amazing support system in my life.  I guess maybe I just need to lean on them a little more.  It's hard to admit when you really need help, but I guess I'm doing it publicly with this blog. 

I don't really want anyone to worry about me.  I'm not going to end up back in the hospital or anything like that, I'm still on my medication regularly and stuff...I just need to get my head out of my ass and ask for support and words of encouragement.

Today was the first day I've had without a headache.  I was able to coach during a scrimmage tonight, which was nice.  I'm feeling a little bit stronger mentally, but the past week has set me back pretty far, and I'm still reveling in it.  I want this feeling of being alone to go away.  I want to get excited and be happy instead of being a flat line and wanting to sleep 24/7.  It's no fun at all. 

It's important to know when to ask for help...so...here I am.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 25

soooo i forgot to finish...ehhem

Do you know any statistics about self harm?

Nothing specific, but I know it's more prominent than we usually think.  I know that suicide rates are insanely high.  And I know that one day I want be a help to reverse that.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 24

What are some of your main triggers?  why?

Being overwhelmed or stressed is a huge trigger.  Sometimes I get lost in everything I have to think about or do, and it drives me crazy.  Although, things have been much better recently as I am able to control and manage things a lot better.

Also, looking at self harm pictures and whatnot.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 23

What is your favorite inspirational quote?

'You're perfectly flawed.' -Otep