Nothing Can Hurt Me Today

Hello everyone!  Hope you had a magical Saint Patrick's Day!

I'm writing today because on March 18, 2011 (two years ago from today) I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder.  I know I've written about this many times before, but today is a super special day for me.  I can now say that I have conquered the hardest part of my life this far.  I am off all of my medications finally.  I finished weaning off of the antidepressants a few weeks back thankfully.  That was such a long and physically taxing process, but I did it all on my own.   

Sometimes I wonder how everything got so bad.  I mean I know there were a few things that sparked the flame, but to get to that extreme...I just don't know.  And trust me, I didn't just snap out of it in one day.  What I've been thinking about mostly today is that I never had anyone really tell me that being sad is completely normal.   I never had anyone say that life sucks sometimes and that I don't have to be happy at that moment.  No one ever said that they understand what I'm going through and that they'll just listen to me whenever.  (mind you I hid this well from my family so I didn't go to any of them for help).  Firstly I had a boyfriend at the time threaten to never talk to me again if I didn't get on medication.  Being on medication at first helped so much that I built up the strength to dump him out of my life for being a controlling asshole.  I dated two people who claimed they cared and loved me, but left me without thinking twice when times got hard.  That took so much out of me.  They made me feel so abnormal and like I didn't deserve someone to just sit back and try to understand.  Sucks for them because I knew eventually I'd fall on better times and be happy, but they were too weak to see it through and stand by me.

Things started to get a bit better when I became
closer to my cousin more as a friend than a family member.  We probably had the best summer every together even though I had just had surgery and was in a sling the whole time.  She introduced me to Steve, who has almost single handedly made me feel like a completely normal person.  I honestly don't think I would have thought about quitting taking meds without his constant support.  I can always hear him saying to me 'you don't need to be on all those medications, you're normal.'  He has been so strong staying by my side through some really crappy times.  Never once did he give up on me.  11 months later and we're still freaking sweet together.  I've never felt more myself until I started dating him.  

And then there's the whole roller derby thing.  I started skating in November, and made the team in late January,  It's such a release, it makes me feel important, and I'm surrounded by strong women who aren't afraid to be themselves no matter what.  Bring around that makes me feel incredibly strong.  

I ran into a friend that I haven't seen for a long while.  She said to me 'You just look like you're doing so well and you look so happy.'

She was right.  I'm doing well, and I'm happier than ever.

2012 In Review

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope 2012 treated you well. 

I give it a 3.5/5 stars, and this is why:

I began my first cycle of power lifting.
I began my last semester as a grad student at CSU.
I became a personal trainer at the JCC.
I turned 24.
I lost my cousin to suicide.
I lost a douchey boyfriend.
I gained a much better one.
I chopped off all my hair.
I was hired as a full time ATC for the Cleveland Clinic.
I changed from working at VASJ to working at Cuyahoga Heights.
I had to have shoulder surgery.
I graduated from CSU with my M.Ed.
I quit a job on bad terms for the first time in my life (best decision ever).
My brother got engaged.
I started my journey to detox from my antidepressants.
Gained a few more tattoos and piercings.
Went to some sweet concerts.
Lost a few friends.
Gained a lot of new ones, and a few derby wives ;)
Started my journey to become a Burning River Roller Girl (tryouts in 18 days JESUS).

Those are the things that stick out most to me that will shape my future.

While welcoming 2013, the topic of resolutions came up in the room.  I listening to people drone on about quitting smoking, working out more, blah blah blah...and when it came to me, I simply stated that I don't believe in the resolution hype.  I no longer see a new year as a new start, but more like a continuance of life.  It's really just a change in date.  Do I have goals for the upcoming year?  Of course I do, but that's for my brain and my heart alone.  I'm not going to make some half assed empty promise in front of a crowd of people that I barely know.  

I'm excited to continue my life, and that's about it. 

<3

Celexaddiction

.trees.

For those looking for a late night story to bore you to sleep, you're welcome.

Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants, not because I felt super happy and magically better, but because my prescription ran out and I couldn't get a hold of my psychiatrist.   I believe that's why I had such a bad weekend...Last Friday night I actually had a really rough night and almost hurt myself pretty badly.  It was honestly over nothing, but I was almost convinced that I wasnt going to wake up the next morning.  Thankfully I have the best people in the world as friends (to those who were there for me that night, thank you).  I woke up the next morning very lost and confused.  My man told me I made it through the night because I truly belong here...

Now as far back as I can remember, I dont recall anyone ever telling me that I truly belong here.  I'm sure it goes without saying that my friends and family feel that way regardless, but I dont think I've ever heard those words out loud.  I thought about it for awhile, and I think it had some profound effect on me.  I decided then and there that instead of refilling my prescription, that I would just take myself off completely.

I had been weighing out the consequences of doing this. I knew I might be a lot more emotional than I have been, that maybe I would start getting depressed and tired all the time, that my body would have to withdraw and detox from my prescription...but I didnt think it was going to make me as sick as I got.

I started taking 40mg of Celexa in March of 2011, and have taken it every day since.  I used to be on klonopin and welbutrin ontop of the Celexa as well, but was able to take myself off of both on my own.  The dosage I am on may not seem like a large amount, but it is a higher dosage than most people take.  Its usually given out as 10 and 20mg in milder cases.  You don't really realize how much your body becomes addicted and dependent on prescription drugs until you quit them cold turkey.

A few days after I stopped taking the Celexa, I started to experience some serious vertigo and really crazy emotions.  At work I would not be able to sit still.  I had to be up on my feet all day.  I felt like I had some sort of weird OCD.  I was extremely emotional...I tried to have conversations with my man about not taking the pills and I would start crying for no reason at all.  It actually made me laugh at myself.  I'm sure if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was a drug addict or belonged in a straight jacket.  I'm awesome.

Anyways, 2 days ago, it started to become unbearable to even stand up or sit still.  The only position I could be in without spinning was laying down.  It was hard to turn my head and eyes to look to the left or the right.  I was so tired and bitchy too, my bad guys :)  Work was just fantastic to bare, considering I had to administer concussion baseline tests to my swim and girls basketball teams.  I had to monitor a bunch of high schoolers and answer questions while trying not to fall over and be a giant bitch face to everyone at the same time.  I gotta hand it to myself, I did a great job. 

So yeah I got pretty bad and decided last night that I'd refill my prescription and take one, with a few dramamines to take the edge off...Im so lame and old. I felt better pretty quick after that and was able to have a pretty badass time with my girls.

I am still hell bent on taking myself off of the Celexa.  I guess I just need to take it a little easier instead of quitting them all at once.  I guess I just feel like I'm not me anymore...it's more like me but masked with chemicals, if that makes any sense.  I feel like nowadays I have everything I need in life and I have figured out better ways to cope with stress.  I slip sometimes but I always come to my senses pretty quick or get a reality check from at least one of my friends.  I know that before I got on medication I used to be unbearable to deal with at times, but at this point I have weeded out my true friends from the weak ones, and stick with people who really know me and how I work, and are able to help instead of making it worse.  It's actually pretty sweet being able to trust every single one of your friends.  I haven't had that until recently, but I hear it's all part of getting older and maturing....barf.  Whatever.

Think twice before anyone wants to throw you on some medication before trying other means first.  I wasn't really even given a chance when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  It was just like "oh well you're depressed, here's 3 prescriptions, have fun bitch!"  I mean I saw a therapist to talk with every week, but that was after I was on the medication already.  Prescription drugs are really handed out like candy nowadays, but they can be extremely dangerous, and sometimes more abused addictive than street drugs.

Scary that the drugs we are handed LEGALLY actually make us worse...isnt it?
Try something a little more natural before you resort to chemicals. 

<3

She Had What Was Coming to Her...

...she brought this upon herself

...she deserved to die

...she was an attention whore

...just another slut

...shoulda drank more bleach

Those are some of the things I have sadly been reading on Facebook and Twitter about this Amanda Todd girl.  If you arent familiar with the story, let this video fill in the blanks for you:

 **As a disclaimer, if you havent read my past blogs about my own struggle, I suggest you do, just so you can understand why I feel the way I do.  It goes without saying that I have been there so many times.

This girl recently committed suicide which has stormed up a ton of controversy.  People have been jumping all over this story saying that she was bullied until she died.  I think most people would agree with that statement, yet I continue to see people make a joke out of it. 

You think a 15 year old girl deserved to die, huh?  You think she had it coming?  If you truly believe that, you obviously have no heart.  She was alone through all of this torture. 

Shes a young, impressionable child.  Dont most 15 year old girls go boy crazy?  I dont know many that dont.  She got attention in a negative way, which is definitely not unheard of.  Think back to all the dumb things we did when we were young to get attention.  That doesnt mean that people have the right to torture you.  So this sent her into depression/anxiety/panic attacks, which is more than debilitating. 

She tried to move schools many times to get away from it all, but people basically stalked her to torment her instead of letting it go, making her depression worse.  Then she goes off with a guy who claimed he liked her, but basically just used her as a joke. (Ive been there a few times, and i think we all have).  So this kids girlfriend decides to call attention to her and punch her in the face.  Hey guess what, YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON YOU, i'm pretty sure HE was in the wrong here as well.  Depression gets worse, she commits suicide, which she tried 2x before, as her peers continuously coaxed her to do.


Listen, regardless of how you feel about how this girl screwed up and "brought in upon herself," you DO NOT have any right to make light of the situation.  Look at the video she made...put yourself in her situation for one freaking second.  Imagine yourself getting followed and tortured and used and stalked.  She felt like she had no one, and that death was the only answer.  Do you even know how that feels, to want to die??  Well I do, and I wouldnt wish that upon my worst enemy.  Yeah, I'm still here and I didnt take "the easy way out," but not a lot of people have the strength to carry on like I did.  When youre just a kid, you are so impressionable and stupid.  Littlest problems cause you to see no light at the end of the tunnel.  Peers mean everything to young kids.  My issues started after I turned 21, so as an adult, I found it easier to stop myself from not being able to turn back.

Imagine these few situations for one minute here, as painful as this may be...

1. You are alone in your room with a bottle of pain pills that you took from someone else, you feel so alone and worthless that you attempt to take as many pills as you can so the pain all goes away from being made fun of or for being used.  You think its the only way out.  Its the only thing that will make it stop.

2. You hate yourself so much that you chug a bottle of bleach to end it all, and you can feel it burning your insides all the way down. 

3. Youre alone in the bathroom floor with a knife in your hand so you can cut, and if youre lucky, youll cut too deep this time and no one will find you until its too late.

4. You are standing on a chair with a rope around your neck, ready to kick the chair out from underneath yourself to end your life of pain.

Yeah, its really not funny at all.  If you're laughing at this, you're laughing at everyone who has attempted or succeeded in suicide.  You're laughing at me, you're laughing at my cousin (who succeeded this past summer), my neighbor, probably a family member of yours...how does that feel, good?  Does it make you feel like you're that much better than everyone?  Well you're wrong...it makes you a sick, heartless shell of a person.

Doesnt matter what you think, this girl WAS bullied, regardless of her dumb choices.   No one is glorifying her.  They are using it as an example to teach kids what NOT to do.  I think it was a good thing for the media to cover it, so maybe someone can learn.  Learn not to put dumb stuff on the internet, learn that there is always hope and that people do care about you no matter how alone you feel, learn to BE NICE to people around you, learn to not cause drama or continue on with drama from the past, learn to not torture or make fun of other people REGARDLESS of the reason.

A 15 year old girl is dead.  She took her own life. 

What are you going to take from this?

I'm In Need...

So as most of you know, I had shoulder surgery on May 10.  For those who care to know exactly what I had done, my labrum was torn from 12-6 oclock down the posterior.  I had that tacked up, and then had a capsular shift to get rid of some instability. The tears in my shoulder are from playing fastpitch, and had gotten worse over the past year from benching and whatnot.  Doc says Im gonna eventually have to have the left shoulder done as well if I want to keep lifting because of the amount of instability I have...He was able to dislocate both shoulders 75% prior to my surgery.  

We keep telling everyone I either got bit by a tiger, shot by a gun, or the ever popular "you should see the other guy" response. Keep it on the hush hush.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me.  I didnt even think I was going to make it through the first couple of days after surgery.  I had never been in so much pain in my life.  The pain killers they gave me barely helped and through me off balance...I fell down the stairs the day after surgery so that was fun times.  Thankfully I landed straight on my ass, but my pride was pretty much broken.  That was the first time I cried infront of my parents since I was a kid probably.  

I couldnt shower, I couldnt eat without help, no driving, no working, no working out, couldnt change clothes. Basically just layed down for a couple days and slept.  For those of you who know me well enough, that's pretty much like taking a trip to hell for me.  I dont like to sit on my ass.  Thank god for my cousin for taking care of me the whole first weekend.  She washed my hair for me everyday, did my makeup, made sure I took my pills and iced, and constantly made sure i was comfortable and felt ok.  (mind you, two and a half weeks later, shes still doing the same thing for me).  

My first post-op appointment ( 3 days after my surgery) was pure hell.  I had to take the brace off and get this thing moving a bit.  I about passed out 3 times during that appointment.  Great times.

The first time I was able to shower and change on my own was one of the best days of my life.  Ive never been so happy about something so stupid.  I made sure to text everyone to let them know I didnt smell like a pile of garbage anymore, and that i was becoming semi independent again.  Oh the little things in life...

My first goal after surgery was to make it back to work the next Monday.  My bosses pretty much laughed at me when I told them that.  I overshot that landing a bit and wasnt able to work until the next Wednesday.  I would say that Im pretty proud of myself for making it back that quick.  I was able to drive finally...Its not that easy to have one hand and drive...Shifting and turning my key blow! 

  

I started formal Physical Therapy the next Thursday at the PT clinic that I work at.  Very convenient to have an appointment with a PT I've worked with for a year, and be able to get therapy right after getting off work. Also very convenient to have a brother who is a Physical Therapist so I can get help at home.   

Fast forward a couple weeks later...I am stuck in a sling and abduction pillow for another 4 weeks.  And since I am right hand dominant, Im pretty much useless.  I was put on restriction from really doing anything physical.  I can only do passive range of motion with my right shoulder for another 4 weeks.  Right now Im stuck at about 90 degrees of flexion and 20 degrees of external rotation.  My goals for the next couple of weeks are 120 degrees and 45 degrees.  Its not looking great right now as my shoulder is extremely tight and gets sore at the endpoints of my range.  My PT says I have to just push through the pain as much as possible to get to where I need to be.  Therapy was very rough this week trying to get a good range, and it pretty much knocked me on my ass afterwards.  I have been told that therapy is gonna continue to get harder and harder as we try to regain more range...not looking forward to it.

 Right now I can pretty much do everything on my own- minus my hair and scratching my left arm (thanks for the help Kree). 

I want to work out more than anything.  Lifting and running have been more helpful with my depression than the medication I'm on, so this is exceptionally hard for me to deal with. I try to stay as active as possible, but about all I can really do without hurting myself is walking or biking.  It's discouraging and I cant seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.  I know I'll get there eventually but its gonna be a very long and hard recovery.  Ive been told I may never be able to bench press again, but there's still that chance.  What's a powerlifter without benching?  I cant rely on deadlifting and squatting alone if I want to compete in the future still.  Obviously Im gonna miss my deadline of competing by November this year, but hopefully Ive got a lot of life to live and I'll someday be able to make my goal. 

I just keep trying to push myself to keep going every day.  I know eventually I'll get back to being super active again.  Thankfully, Im lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people through this whole thing.  All my friends and family have been super supportive and have never ceased to remind me that I WILL get through this and that it's just another hill to climb.  I also have the people who force me to stop being upset or sad or lazy and keep me on my feet and keep me active.  I need that more than anything right now.  I've had to catch myself feeling sorry for myself alot in the past 2 weeks.  I cant do that or this is gonna get the best of me. 

Ive got a list of shoutouts to make if you dont mind...

Mom- thank you for taking the day off work to take care of me after surgery and for making sure I had my pills and water and food and ice constantly.  

Dad- thank you for not treating me like a cripple and for reminding me of my weight lifting goals.

Kree-  Thank you for taking care of my hair, my face, for helping me shower and change, for driving me around all the time, for keeping me active and making sure I was having fun and smiling constantly, for being extremely overprotective, and for putting up with my whiney ass 24/7

Phil and Kell-  thank you for the ace wrap bra and for opening up your house to me if I ever need help.

John and Lindz- thank you for being my at home therapists.  Lindz thanks for your skills with a razor lol!

Aunts, Uncles, Gram, cousins- thank you for the get well cards and the good wishes and for being the best family ever.

My JCC family-  Thanks for letting me come back to work with one arm and continue to train people, and for helping me get my red shirt on and off :)  I love my job.

My VASJ family-  I miss you all more than anything.  Thank you for the huge get well card and the flowers.  So proud to be a Viking!

Random friends and people-  Thanks for being the reason I smile and laugh all the time.  You all make it so much easier to get out of bed in the morning.  And you push me to want to shower and look half way decent because god knows I dont go out in public looking like crap. 

If I missed anyone, feel free to punch me in my shoulder.

Thats about all I needed to get out of my brain tonight.  So happy I can type again:)  Thanks for reading, love all of yall.

Silence...

That was all I could hear in a room FULL of people tonight.

I got the call Monday afternoon from my mother.  She wondered if I had heard anything about my cousin committing suicide.  We hoped it was just a rumor, that maybe it was the wrong person.  I saw nothing on any of my family's facebooks. Shortly after, I got a message from Lea, one of my other cousins.  She confirmed the story to be true.  No way, not my family.  This was not happening...

My mind began racing back to the times my uncle would take us all ice skating- Me, Tiff, Manty, Lea, Monica...We used to have so much fun together, my cousins and I.  It killed me that the only way Tiff and I kept in touch was facebook, and we hadn't even spoken to each other since I was in college.  I barely remember the last conversation we had...

Our minds always turn to "what could I have done to prevent this...?"  That's how I felt.  I feel that maybe I coulda reached out to her, but I had no idea she was having problems.  If we had only kept in touch more, maybe I could have done something...

That's why I have this blog, guys.  That's the reason I started this whole thing- so that maybe I can save at least one person...make at least ONE person think before they act, to let you all know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been there over and over again. I can tell you from experience that no matter how bad it gets, it will all work out.  I am LIVING PROOF that you can get through anything, no matter how hard it seems or how hopeless you feel. Now that my family has been affected by this tragedy, I will never be let myself get that low again.  I will continue to live.  I choose to live.

Please, please, I'm begging all of you.  If you are having a problem, please just reach out to someone- family, friends, your doctor, someone.  If you're reading this and you need advice, even if we hardly ever speak, please just send me a message. I never would wish upon any of you or your families this horrible feeling or experience.

You will die one day, yes, but will you be done living in the end?

In memoria di Tiffany. Ci mancherai.  Ti amo.  <3

Pawn

Heyyyyy everyone.  Just a precursor before I start my rant: this is wine driven-ish.  

This week, I have been doing a lot of thinking...thinking about my career, my family, my friends, my life in general.  I have been completely stressed out as to how everything has been playing out.  I wont go into much detail about any of the above issues...If you really wanna know, ask in person.  

As the week closes out, I have come to a realization: (not that I havent thought about this before...but whatever) not everyone is going to accept you the way that you are.  Those that do are the keepers.  Those that dont...well, F them. 

I have been involved with some seriously deep conversations this week.  A couple with people I barely know, some with people Ive known for a year or 2, a few with close family, and one specifically important one with someone I have known for 15+ years (tonight).  There are a few comments that have been said to me that will probably stick with me for a long ass time:

1) I bet you're the life of the party wherever you go.  When you show up, the party starts.

2) You have a smile that wakes everybody up in the morning.

3) I dont wanna lose you here, so we're gonna keep you for as long as we can.

4) Youre not afraid to approach anyone and offer them help.  Not everyone can do that. 

5) Share your smile and say goodmorning to everyone to brighten their days too!

6) Please dont ever leave us. 

7) I need you.

8) I love you.

9) I miss you.  

10) Thank you for doing what you do.

11) Do not ever change who you are.  I dont care what the circumstances are. 

While all of them struck a chord in some way, number 11 is probably the most profound thing I've heard all week.  Tonight I went to one of my best friends houses to bullshit, bitch, laugh, and take a load off.  I basically was yelled at for 30 straight minutes (in a good way).  She stood up off her couch, looked at me in disbelief, and started going off about how I should never ever change who I am for anyone.  I fought back with many "yeah, but..." excuses, but she kept repeating "yeah but nothing...thats how YOU ARE.  Stop making excuses as to why you arent good enough.  Too many people love you for you, and dont try to change who you are.  If you need to change yourself, why bother?"

Why bother?...  She's right.  How many times a day do we tell ourselves "if only I could be like this..." "this person would like me better if i did this..." ? Why not just be yourself?  The ones who dont accept you are the ones who dont deserve to kiss the ground you walk on.   Stop worrying about how other people see you, especially if its negative.  9 times out of 10, if someone has a problem with you, THEY'RE the one with the issue.

Dont work your ass off to get others to like you.  Keep the ones who like you for who you are...the rest are trash waiting to be thrown out with the rest of the garbage, trust me.  The majority of people who have a problem with me are two faced, use their friends as pawns, and dont even contribute to society...And I'm letting that stress me out...anyone else want to verbally punch me in the face?  I need to be brought back to reality every once in a while.  

Last year I had zero self esteem.  I was severely depressed, anorexic, couldnt look in the mirror, could barely get out of bed unless forced.  JUST so maybe someone would accept me.  I changed everything about myself to please like...2 people. I became a pawn.  I sacrificed Campo, and became someone else. 

As soon as that ended, I did everything they said they'd dislike about me if I did.  I chopped my hair off, I bleached it, I started lifting again, I ate whatever I wanted, I walked and talked and acted how this Campo is supposed to act.

Somehow I got caught up in it all again and Ive obviously struggled.  I wont let myself get back to that.  Ive come too far.  When and if I start falling, Ive got this amazing group of people in my life to kick my ass.  I have the most fun, crazy, LOUD, hilarious, loving, and ACCEPTING people in my life.  They get along with and welcome anyone new that I bring to the table, unless I say otherwise...then its just an all out shit show.  They dont talk shit like children, they dont ignore or dismiss anyone.  Never have I met a better group of people, and I probably never will.  If my crew is your crew, then you know exactly what I mean.  Its better to be in OUR circle than out ;)  

Here's who I AM:

-I am loud

-I am blunt

-I am opinionated

-I am strong as hell

-I am driven

-I am honest

-I am a best friend

-I am a sister

-I am a daughter

-I am a niece

-I am a cousin

-I am caring

-I am loving

-I am emotional

-I am the epitome of awesome

-I am ME

...I see nothing wrong with any of the above 

 

I AM NOT HERE TO PLEASE ANYONE.  I AM NOT HERE TO BE A PAWN. I am the queen...I can make any move wherever I want, whenever I want, and conquer anyone who gets in my way.  (Chess terms...like that shit?!)

Yeah I'm here...Im emm-effing CAMPO...and you best believe it.  

If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass

OH...AND HAVE A LOVELY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!