Keep Breathing

I'm sure most of you have seen my less than positive posts recently. 

I hate negative stuff but sometimes you just have to get it out.  So I guess I'll bare my soul tonight.  Writing usually helps, and maybe some positive feedback and advice from my friends will help.

When it rains, it pours, right? 

Seems like everything is crashing down around me recently and I'm just overwhelmed and lost. I'm scraping by with bills, not really enjoying my job or career path, derby is over for a while. 

On top of that, my boyfriend dumped me.  I won't go into the specifics because I don't want anyone saying bad things about him.  I still love and respect him.  But this whole situation was out of my control and really happened faster than I remember.  I don't recall ever taking a breakup this hard specifically.  I think maybe the older you get and the more heartbreaks you've been through, the harder it becomes to be left in the dust.  To go through as much as he and I did, and then wake up and no longer have that, has really brought me to my knees.  I take breakups harder than most people do, mostly because I truly believe I give my all when I'm with somebody. 

My roommate says that being dumped is the second worst feeling in the world, following only the death of someone close.  She's very correct. 

Everyone has a purpose in life and I have always thought mine was to love and be loved by someone.  The more this happens, the more I feel my purpose fades away.

You can sit there and tell me I'll get over it and move on, find someone "better," blah blah blah, but saying that to someone who has given everything and been through this much with a person is really ignorant and unhelpful, especially if you are still so in love with that person. You don't just get up and move right along like it never happened...well, I guess some people do if they don't give a shit about their recent ex.  To know that your ex is completely fine being without you after being with them for a long time is pretty crippling to say the least.  

People say take him off facebook, delete his number, out of sight out of mind.  Easier said than done.  Deleting a person out of your social networking and phone book doesn't ease the pain.  It just makes you realize that they're gone and you miss them even more, that you can't ever see or talk to them again.  It heightens the awareness of being without them.  Not to mention I live next to him.  That doesn't help.

Havent really told my parents anything.  My dad still asks how he's doing, and I just answer "fine."  I'm sure my mom knows, just because she's my mom.  I don't like to cry to her for things like this.  I don't like to cry in front of my parents in general.  I've had one mental breakdown to my mom over a year ago and it was painful to see how scared and upset she was for me.  I am weary of doing that to her again, but I decided I'm going to open up with her tomorrow and get it all out there.  Regardless, she'll back me up.  I'm pretty good at putting on a facade with my parents.  I'm good at sucking it up and holding it all in in general around people who see me as a strong person. Maybe that just needs to stop. Maybe I just need to stop faking being strong and happy all the time.

With all that is crashing down before me, and how poorly I am handling it, I have given myself a few options.  I'm fighting myself with a few.

A) Take a staycation at the local mental health facility. 
B) Call my psychiatrist and get back on some, if not all, of my medications.
C) Stay with my brother and sister in law or my parents place for a little bit for a change of scenery.
D) Tough it out and deal with the crippling anxiety and depression, the mental breakdowns, the random crying, etc.
E) Move to Washington to live with my friend permanently when my lease is up for a new start.

Before you all say option D stay strong bro!  Realize that I have been doing everything in my power to control my anxiety and breakdowns.  I am getting back in the gym and attempting to lift heavy again with the help of a friend/trainer/lifter.  I'm keeping myself busy with my friends and family as much as I can.  I have my dog keeping me company.  I'm leaning on people.  I'm writing again.  Doing all the things that you'd think would help.  Things haven't proved to get better. 

I've been off all my medications for a while now, but I was the happiest and most comfortable I've ever been at that point.  I was advised by my doctor not to take myself off of them, and I guess shit like this is why.  I'd like to think I don't need them anymore, but when you feel like this, I start to think differently.

I've been so anxious that I couldnt eat and dropped 7 lbs (I did start eating again semi normally).  Ive been sick to my stomach, not able to sleep, having panic attacks and random breakdowns, having to take Zzzquil every night...I don't want that anymore. 

So I guess I'm looking for some input from my friends.  Yes, ultimately the decision is mine.  Regardless, I will still keep doing healthy things to help me, so no one go freak out on me or anything, but I am really struggling at this point.  Today and tonight have pretty much been rock bottom for me, which is why I'm writing to you.

Thanks guiz.