Can't

The word "can't" is such a subjective thing. 

How many times has someone told you that you can't?  Better question- how many times have you told yourself you can't?

We're all guilty of it, obviously myself included numerous times.

I had a pretty extensive shoulder surgery in May of 2012 after completing an 8 week cycle of training my ass off.  My labrum was torn from 12-6 oclock posteriorly, and on top of that, he tightened my shoulder capsule.  He told me I would never be able to bench or overhead press again.  I took that to heart, really, but assured myself I would again regardless.

After months and months of grueling and painful rehab, I lost a majority of the range of motion in my shoulder.  I was diagnosed with adhesive capsulitis, something people my age don't usually get.  I was supposed to have another surgery last November to scope out scar tissue and manipulate my shoulder to regain the range of motion I no longer had.  I, instead, chickened out, and had a less invasive (but probably more painful) procedure, where they injected my shoulder capsule with fluid until it burst open like a water balloon.  Well that failed as well, and I'm sitting here still stuck with less than satisfactory range of motion.

After over a year of not lifting a weight, and after all this bullshit I've been handed recently, a good friend and awesome trainer got me off my ass to start training with him at Titan's Gym.  I was reluctant at first because, a) I was extremely depressed and didnt want to do shit, b) was embarrassed at how undertrained I am, and c) didnt think I could lift heavy ever again because my doc told me I CANT.

I've only been back training for 5 days, and I can tell you that I squatted ass to grass with 95 lbs, benched 65, and deadlifted 155.  Not to mention, today I was able to overhead press with 2 20 pound dumbells.  None of these are even close to my old personal records, but they are all a great start, and a small amount of weight compared to where Jay and I will get myself. 

I was told I cant, and I fucking did, and I will continue to.


A few years back, my psychiatrist put me on 3 different medications- 2 for depression and 1 for anxiety.  My first question to her was "when will i be able to get off these medications?"  Her answer- "You will be on these for the long run." In other terms- you CANT get off them.

When I decided I wanted to get off of them, I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I am taking myself off the medications.  All of them.  For good.  No more.  She told me I CANT without consulting with her first- which means another few doctor's visits, another stack of medical bills.  I never went back, and successfully took myself off the medications.  It took a long ass time, and I swear to science I thought I was going to die from the withdrawals, but I made it.  I've been off all medications since I think March of this year or around then. 

I was told I cant, and I fucking did. 

Yeah I may be struggling at this point.  I'm having bad and good days- right now, mostly bad, but that'll change one day. 

The gym has become my safe haven again.  Training again is making me both physically and mentally stronger every day.  When I walk into the gym, the anxiety and depression go away, and I walk out feeling confident and happy again.  Even if it's for a little while, having those few hours to be mentally and physically awesome helps.  And I swear to the almighty flying spaghetti monster- I WILL NOT GO BACK TO BEING ON MEDICATION.  EVER AGAIN.

So fuck the word can't.

Have a lovely evening and weekend.


Love you guys.  All of you.