The word "can't" is such a subjective thing.
How many times has someone told you that you can't? Better question- how many times have you told yourself you can't?
We're all guilty of it, obviously myself included numerous times.
I had a pretty extensive shoulder surgery in May of 2012 after completing an 8 week cycle of training my ass off. My labrum was torn from 12-6 oclock posteriorly, and on top of that, he tightened my shoulder capsule. He told me I would never be able to bench or overhead press again. I took that to heart, really, but assured myself I would again regardless.
After months and months of grueling and painful rehab, I lost a majority of the range of motion in my shoulder. I was diagnosed with adhesive capsulitis, something people my age don't usually get. I was supposed to have another surgery last November to scope out scar tissue and manipulate my shoulder to regain the range of motion I no longer had. I, instead, chickened out, and had a less invasive (but probably more painful) procedure, where they injected my shoulder capsule with fluid until it burst open like a water balloon. Well that failed as well, and I'm sitting here still stuck with less than satisfactory range of motion.
After over a year of not lifting a weight, and after all this bullshit I've been handed recently, a good friend and awesome trainer got me off my ass to start training with him at Titan's Gym. I was reluctant at first because, a) I was extremely depressed and didnt want to do shit, b) was embarrassed at how undertrained I am, and c) didnt think I could lift heavy ever again because my doc told me I CANT.
I've only been back training for 5 days, and I can tell you that I squatted ass to grass with 95 lbs, benched 65, and deadlifted 155. Not to mention, today I was able to overhead press with 2 20 pound dumbells. None of these are even close to my old personal records, but they are all a great start, and a small amount of weight compared to where Jay and I will get myself.
I was told I cant, and I fucking did, and I will continue to.
A few years back, my psychiatrist put me on 3 different medications- 2 for depression and 1 for anxiety. My first question to her was "when will i be able to get off these medications?" Her answer- "You will be on these for the long run." In other terms- you CANT get off them.
When I decided I wanted to get off of them, I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I am taking myself off the medications. All of them. For good. No more. She told me I CANT without consulting with her first- which means another few doctor's visits, another stack of medical bills. I never went back, and successfully took myself off the medications. It took a long ass time, and I swear to science I thought I was going to die from the withdrawals, but I made it. I've been off all medications since I think March of this year or around then.
I was told I cant, and I fucking did.
Yeah I may be struggling at this point. I'm having bad and good days- right now, mostly bad, but that'll change one day.
The gym has become my safe haven again. Training again is making me both physically and mentally stronger every day. When I walk into the gym, the anxiety and depression go away, and I walk out feeling confident and happy again. Even if it's for a little while, having those few hours to be mentally and physically awesome helps. And I swear to the almighty flying spaghetti monster- I WILL NOT GO BACK TO BEING ON MEDICATION. EVER AGAIN.
So fuck the word can't.
Have a lovely evening and weekend.
Love you guys. All of you.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Keep Breathing
I'm sure most of you have seen my less than positive posts recently.
I hate negative stuff but sometimes you just have to get it out. So I guess I'll bare my soul tonight. Writing usually helps, and maybe some positive feedback and advice from my friends will help.
When it rains, it pours, right?
Seems like everything is crashing down around me recently and I'm just overwhelmed and lost. I'm scraping by with bills, not really enjoying my job or career path, derby is over for a while.
On top of that, my boyfriend dumped me. I won't go into the specifics because I don't want anyone saying bad things about him. I still love and respect him. But this whole situation was out of my control and really happened faster than I remember. I don't recall ever taking a breakup this hard specifically. I think maybe the older you get and the more heartbreaks you've been through, the harder it becomes to be left in the dust. To go through as much as he and I did, and then wake up and no longer have that, has really brought me to my knees. I take breakups harder than most people do, mostly because I truly believe I give my all when I'm with somebody.
My roommate says that being dumped is the second worst feeling in the world, following only the death of someone close. She's very correct.
Everyone has a purpose in life and I have always thought mine was to love and be loved by someone. The more this happens, the more I feel my purpose fades away.
You can sit there and tell me I'll get over it and move on, find someone "better," blah blah blah, but saying that to someone who has given everything and been through this much with a person is really ignorant and unhelpful, especially if you are still so in love with that person. You don't just get up and move right along like it never happened...well, I guess some people do if they don't give a shit about their recent ex. To know that your ex is completely fine being without you after being with them for a long time is pretty crippling to say the least.
People say take him off facebook, delete his number, out of sight out of mind. Easier said than done. Deleting a person out of your social networking and phone book doesn't ease the pain. It just makes you realize that they're gone and you miss them even more, that you can't ever see or talk to them again. It heightens the awareness of being without them. Not to mention I live next to him. That doesn't help.
Havent really told my parents anything. My dad still asks how he's doing, and I just answer "fine." I'm sure my mom knows, just because she's my mom. I don't like to cry to her for things like this. I don't like to cry in front of my parents in general. I've had one mental breakdown to my mom over a year ago and it was painful to see how scared and upset she was for me. I am weary of doing that to her again, but I decided I'm going to open up with her tomorrow and get it all out there. Regardless, she'll back me up. I'm pretty good at putting on a facade with my parents. I'm good at sucking it up and holding it all in in general around people who see me as a strong person. Maybe that just needs to stop. Maybe I just need to stop faking being strong and happy all the time.
With all that is crashing down before me, and how poorly I am handling it, I have given myself a few options. I'm fighting myself with a few.
A) Take a staycation at the local mental health facility.
B) Call my psychiatrist and get back on some, if not all, of my medications.
C) Stay with my brother and sister in law or my parents place for a little bit for a change of scenery.
D) Tough it out and deal with the crippling anxiety and depression, the mental breakdowns, the random crying, etc.
E) Move to Washington to live with my friend permanently when my lease is up for a new start.
Before you all say option D stay strong bro! Realize that I have been doing everything in my power to control my anxiety and breakdowns. I am getting back in the gym and attempting to lift heavy again with the help of a friend/trainer/lifter. I'm keeping myself busy with my friends and family as much as I can. I have my dog keeping me company. I'm leaning on people. I'm writing again. Doing all the things that you'd think would help. Things haven't proved to get better.
I've been off all my medications for a while now, but I was the happiest and most comfortable I've ever been at that point. I was advised by my doctor not to take myself off of them, and I guess shit like this is why. I'd like to think I don't need them anymore, but when you feel like this, I start to think differently.
I've been so anxious that I couldnt eat and dropped 7 lbs (I did start eating again semi normally). Ive been sick to my stomach, not able to sleep, having panic attacks and random breakdowns, having to take Zzzquil every night...I don't want that anymore.
So I guess I'm looking for some input from my friends. Yes, ultimately the decision is mine. Regardless, I will still keep doing healthy things to help me, so no one go freak out on me or anything, but I am really struggling at this point. Today and tonight have pretty much been rock bottom for me, which is why I'm writing to you.
Thanks guiz.
I hate negative stuff but sometimes you just have to get it out. So I guess I'll bare my soul tonight. Writing usually helps, and maybe some positive feedback and advice from my friends will help.
When it rains, it pours, right?
Seems like everything is crashing down around me recently and I'm just overwhelmed and lost. I'm scraping by with bills, not really enjoying my job or career path, derby is over for a while.
On top of that, my boyfriend dumped me. I won't go into the specifics because I don't want anyone saying bad things about him. I still love and respect him. But this whole situation was out of my control and really happened faster than I remember. I don't recall ever taking a breakup this hard specifically. I think maybe the older you get and the more heartbreaks you've been through, the harder it becomes to be left in the dust. To go through as much as he and I did, and then wake up and no longer have that, has really brought me to my knees. I take breakups harder than most people do, mostly because I truly believe I give my all when I'm with somebody.
My roommate says that being dumped is the second worst feeling in the world, following only the death of someone close. She's very correct.
Everyone has a purpose in life and I have always thought mine was to love and be loved by someone. The more this happens, the more I feel my purpose fades away.
You can sit there and tell me I'll get over it and move on, find someone "better," blah blah blah, but saying that to someone who has given everything and been through this much with a person is really ignorant and unhelpful, especially if you are still so in love with that person. You don't just get up and move right along like it never happened...well, I guess some people do if they don't give a shit about their recent ex. To know that your ex is completely fine being without you after being with them for a long time is pretty crippling to say the least.
People say take him off facebook, delete his number, out of sight out of mind. Easier said than done. Deleting a person out of your social networking and phone book doesn't ease the pain. It just makes you realize that they're gone and you miss them even more, that you can't ever see or talk to them again. It heightens the awareness of being without them. Not to mention I live next to him. That doesn't help.
Havent really told my parents anything. My dad still asks how he's doing, and I just answer "fine." I'm sure my mom knows, just because she's my mom. I don't like to cry to her for things like this. I don't like to cry in front of my parents in general. I've had one mental breakdown to my mom over a year ago and it was painful to see how scared and upset she was for me. I am weary of doing that to her again, but I decided I'm going to open up with her tomorrow and get it all out there. Regardless, she'll back me up. I'm pretty good at putting on a facade with my parents. I'm good at sucking it up and holding it all in in general around people who see me as a strong person. Maybe that just needs to stop. Maybe I just need to stop faking being strong and happy all the time.
With all that is crashing down before me, and how poorly I am handling it, I have given myself a few options. I'm fighting myself with a few.
A) Take a staycation at the local mental health facility.
B) Call my psychiatrist and get back on some, if not all, of my medications.
C) Stay with my brother and sister in law or my parents place for a little bit for a change of scenery.
D) Tough it out and deal with the crippling anxiety and depression, the mental breakdowns, the random crying, etc.
E) Move to Washington to live with my friend permanently when my lease is up for a new start.
Before you all say option D stay strong bro! Realize that I have been doing everything in my power to control my anxiety and breakdowns. I am getting back in the gym and attempting to lift heavy again with the help of a friend/trainer/lifter. I'm keeping myself busy with my friends and family as much as I can. I have my dog keeping me company. I'm leaning on people. I'm writing again. Doing all the things that you'd think would help. Things haven't proved to get better.
I've been off all my medications for a while now, but I was the happiest and most comfortable I've ever been at that point. I was advised by my doctor not to take myself off of them, and I guess shit like this is why. I'd like to think I don't need them anymore, but when you feel like this, I start to think differently.
I've been so anxious that I couldnt eat and dropped 7 lbs (I did start eating again semi normally). Ive been sick to my stomach, not able to sleep, having panic attacks and random breakdowns, having to take Zzzquil every night...I don't want that anymore.
So I guess I'm looking for some input from my friends. Yes, ultimately the decision is mine. Regardless, I will still keep doing healthy things to help me, so no one go freak out on me or anything, but I am really struggling at this point. Today and tonight have pretty much been rock bottom for me, which is why I'm writing to you.
Thanks guiz.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Rookie Season
Well, so ends my rookie season as a derby girl with the Burning River Roller Girls. Last night, we played an amazingly hard fought game, but ended up losing 142-141. Pretty heartbreaking to lose by only 1 point, but what can you do?
Derby has changed my life. I was inspired by someone who follows his dreams no matter what. Without his support, I doubt I would have even tried. I remember being so nervous the first time I went to a recruitment. I knew no one and nothing about the sport. I had no gear. But I made some good friends that day, they helped me buy my gear, they took me to open skates and practices, they helped me understand the game, etc.
Mid season tryouts are tough. Basically, you have to have your shit together to make the league mid season. I did it. I made the league. I had been on skates for maybe 2-3 months, but I'm lucky that I grew up rollerblading and playing various sports. Very very helpful.
I was put on the Pyromaniacs, the farm team of BRRG. I loved every one of the ladies on the Pyros. We worked well together and leaned on each other. I skated my first bout vs. a team from Canada alongside the Pyros. Scored 38 points in one jam in that bout. We lost, but hell it was freaking fun.
BRRG had a mid season draft for the home teams. I wasn't sure I would be drafted because I was so new to everything. On draft night, I waited what seemed like forever staring at my phone. I received a phone call from the coaches of the Rolling Pin-Ups. I mean, my reaction was like WHAAAAAAAAT?! I really didn't know what to say, but I was freaking drafted. Epic.
The Pin-Ups were undefeated when I joined the team. I played my first bout with them vs. the Steamers and we won. It felt so amazing. I had to miss our regular season bout vs. the Hellbombers due to my brother getting married and all...I sat at the head table at the reception and stared at the twitter updates of the game. We lost by 5 points in overtime. Sad that I wasn't able to be there.
So now starts the championship bracket. My Pin-Ups were seeded #1 :) We played the Steamers in the semi finals, and won. Mind you, there was no AC in the building, and it had to have been a 90+ degree day. My coaches threw me in as a jammer a few times. I scored 29 points my first time being a jammer as a Pin-Up. I was lead jammer 2/3 times I went up there. Felt so amazing to be able to do that...although I was completely dead by the end.
In my last scrimmage before the championship game, I had the amazing opportunity to skate alongside a few of the Vienna Roller Girls. These women traveled from Austria for a cross USA tour, and we happened to be one of their stops. Coolest thing ever. The derby community is like no other.
Last night was the championship game. Like I said, we lost BY ONE POINT. We were down 15-25 points pretty much the whole game, but worked our asses off to close the gap. The game literally came down to the last second. Next year...next year...
Now I'm on derby break for 2 months...What the hell am I gonna do with my life now?!
Anyways, Season 7, my rookie season, has been amazing. I feel like I've grown so much since I made the league in January. I can't wait to come back stronger than ever in a few months.
See you on the track:)
Derby has changed my life. I was inspired by someone who follows his dreams no matter what. Without his support, I doubt I would have even tried. I remember being so nervous the first time I went to a recruitment. I knew no one and nothing about the sport. I had no gear. But I made some good friends that day, they helped me buy my gear, they took me to open skates and practices, they helped me understand the game, etc.
Mid season tryouts are tough. Basically, you have to have your shit together to make the league mid season. I did it. I made the league. I had been on skates for maybe 2-3 months, but I'm lucky that I grew up rollerblading and playing various sports. Very very helpful.
I was put on the Pyromaniacs, the farm team of BRRG. I loved every one of the ladies on the Pyros. We worked well together and leaned on each other. I skated my first bout vs. a team from Canada alongside the Pyros. Scored 38 points in one jam in that bout. We lost, but hell it was freaking fun.
BRRG had a mid season draft for the home teams. I wasn't sure I would be drafted because I was so new to everything. On draft night, I waited what seemed like forever staring at my phone. I received a phone call from the coaches of the Rolling Pin-Ups. I mean, my reaction was like WHAAAAAAAAT?! I really didn't know what to say, but I was freaking drafted. Epic.
The Pin-Ups were undefeated when I joined the team. I played my first bout with them vs. the Steamers and we won. It felt so amazing. I had to miss our regular season bout vs. the Hellbombers due to my brother getting married and all...I sat at the head table at the reception and stared at the twitter updates of the game. We lost by 5 points in overtime. Sad that I wasn't able to be there.
So now starts the championship bracket. My Pin-Ups were seeded #1 :) We played the Steamers in the semi finals, and won. Mind you, there was no AC in the building, and it had to have been a 90+ degree day. My coaches threw me in as a jammer a few times. I scored 29 points my first time being a jammer as a Pin-Up. I was lead jammer 2/3 times I went up there. Felt so amazing to be able to do that...although I was completely dead by the end.
In my last scrimmage before the championship game, I had the amazing opportunity to skate alongside a few of the Vienna Roller Girls. These women traveled from Austria for a cross USA tour, and we happened to be one of their stops. Coolest thing ever. The derby community is like no other.
Last night was the championship game. Like I said, we lost BY ONE POINT. We were down 15-25 points pretty much the whole game, but worked our asses off to close the gap. The game literally came down to the last second. Next year...next year...
Now I'm on derby break for 2 months...What the hell am I gonna do with my life now?!
Anyways, Season 7, my rookie season, has been amazing. I feel like I've grown so much since I made the league in January. I can't wait to come back stronger than ever in a few months.
See you on the track:)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Nothing Can Hurt Me Today
Hello everyone! Hope you had a magical Saint Patrick's Day!
I'm writing today because on March 18, 2011 (two years ago from today) I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I know I've written about this many times before, but today is a super special day for me. I can now say that I have conquered the hardest part of my life this far. I am off all of my medications finally. I finished weaning off of the antidepressants a few weeks back thankfully. That was such a long and physically taxing process, but I did it all on my own.
Sometimes I wonder how everything got so bad. I mean I know there were a few things that sparked the flame, but to get to that extreme...I just don't know. And trust me, I didn't just snap out of it in one day. What I've been thinking about mostly today is that I never had anyone really tell me that being sad is completely normal. I never had anyone say that life sucks sometimes and that I don't have to be happy at that moment. No one ever said that they understand what I'm going through and that they'll just listen to me whenever. (mind you I hid this well from my family so I didn't go to any of them for help). Firstly I had a boyfriend at the time threaten to never talk to me again if I didn't get on medication. Being on medication at first helped so much that I built up the strength to dump him out of my life for being a controlling asshole. I dated two people who claimed they cared and loved me, but left me without thinking twice when times got hard. That took so much out of me. They made me feel so abnormal and like I didn't deserve someone to just sit back and try to understand. Sucks for them because I knew eventually I'd fall on better times and be happy, but they were too weak to see it through and stand by me.
Things started to get a bit better when I became
closer to my cousin more as a friend than a family member. We probably had the best summer every together even though I had just had surgery and was in a sling the whole time. She introduced me to Steve, who has almost single handedly made me feel like a completely normal person. I honestly don't think I would have thought about quitting taking meds without his constant support. I can always hear him saying to me 'you don't need to be on all those medications, you're normal.' He has been so strong staying by my side through some really crappy times. Never once did he give up on me. 11 months later and we're still freaking sweet together. I've never felt more myself until I started dating him.
And then there's the whole roller derby thing. I started skating in November, and made the team in late January, It's such a release, it makes me feel important, and I'm surrounded by strong women who aren't afraid to be themselves no matter what. Bring around that makes me feel incredibly strong.
I ran into a friend that I haven't seen for a long while. She said to me 'You just look like you're doing so well and you look so happy.'
She was right. I'm doing well, and I'm happier than ever.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
2012 In Review
Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2012 treated you well.
I give it a 3.5/5 stars, and this is why:
I began my first cycle of power lifting.
I began my last semester as a grad student at CSU.
I became a personal trainer at the JCC.
I turned 24.
I lost my cousin to suicide.
I lost a douchey boyfriend.
I gained a much better one.
I chopped off all my hair.
I was hired as a full time ATC for the Cleveland Clinic.
I changed from working at VASJ to working at Cuyahoga Heights.
I had to have shoulder surgery.
I graduated from CSU with my M.Ed.
I quit a job on bad terms for the first time in my life (best decision ever).
My brother got engaged.
I started my journey to detox from my antidepressants.
Gained a few more tattoos and piercings.
Went to some sweet concerts.
Lost a few friends.
Gained a lot of new ones, and a few derby wives ;)
Started my journey to become a Burning River Roller Girl (tryouts in 18 days JESUS).
Those are the things that stick out most to me that will shape my future.
While welcoming 2013, the topic of resolutions came up in the room. I listening to people drone on about quitting smoking, working out more, blah blah blah...and when it came to me, I simply stated that I don't believe in the resolution hype. I no longer see a new year as a new start, but more like a continuance of life. It's really just a change in date. Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Of course I do, but that's for my brain and my heart alone. I'm not going to make some half assed empty promise in front of a crowd of people that I barely know.
I'm excited to continue my life, and that's about it.
<3
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Celexaddiction
.trees.
For those looking for a late night story to bore you to sleep, you're welcome.
Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants, not because I felt super happy and magically better, but because my prescription ran out and I couldn't get a hold of my psychiatrist. I believe that's why I had such a bad weekend...Last Friday night I actually had a really rough night and almost hurt myself pretty badly. It was honestly over nothing, but I was almost convinced that I wasnt going to wake up the next morning. Thankfully I have the best people in the world as friends (to those who were there for me that night, thank you). I woke up the next morning very lost and confused. My man told me I made it through the night because I truly belong here...
Now as far back as I can remember, I dont recall anyone ever telling me that I truly belong here. I'm sure it goes without saying that my friends and family feel that way regardless, but I dont think I've ever heard those words out loud. I thought about it for awhile, and I think it had some profound effect on me. I decided then and there that instead of refilling my prescription, that I would just take myself off completely.
I had been weighing out the consequences of doing this. I knew I might be a lot more emotional than I have been, that maybe I would start getting depressed and tired all the time, that my body would have to withdraw and detox from my prescription...but I didnt think it was going to make me as sick as I got.
I started taking 40mg of Celexa in March of 2011, and have taken it every day since. I used to be on klonopin and welbutrin ontop of the Celexa as well, but was able to take myself off of both on my own. The dosage I am on may not seem like a large amount, but it is a higher dosage than most people take. Its usually given out as 10 and 20mg in milder cases. You don't really realize how much your body becomes addicted and dependent on prescription drugs until you quit them cold turkey.
A few days after I stopped taking the Celexa, I started to experience some serious vertigo and really crazy emotions. At work I would not be able to sit still. I had to be up on my feet all day. I felt like I had some sort of weird OCD. I was extremely emotional...I tried to have conversations with my man about not taking the pills and I would start crying for no reason at all. It actually made me laugh at myself. I'm sure if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was a drug addict or belonged in a straight jacket. I'm awesome.
Anyways, 2 days ago, it started to become unbearable to even stand up or sit still. The only position I could be in without spinning was laying down. It was hard to turn my head and eyes to look to the left or the right. I was so tired and bitchy too, my bad guys :) Work was just fantastic to bare, considering I had to administer concussion baseline tests to my swim and girls basketball teams. I had to monitor a bunch of high schoolers and answer questions while trying not to fall over and be a giant bitch face to everyone at the same time. I gotta hand it to myself, I did a great job.
So yeah I got pretty bad and decided last night that I'd refill my prescription and take one, with a few dramamines to take the edge off...Im so lame and old. I felt better pretty quick after that and was able to have a pretty badass time with my girls.
I am still hell bent on taking myself off of the Celexa. I guess I just need to take it a little easier instead of quitting them all at once. I guess I just feel like I'm not me anymore...it's more like me but masked with chemicals, if that makes any sense. I feel like nowadays I have everything I need in life and I have figured out better ways to cope with stress. I slip sometimes but I always come to my senses pretty quick or get a reality check from at least one of my friends. I know that before I got on medication I used to be unbearable to deal with at times, but at this point I have weeded out my true friends from the weak ones, and stick with people who really know me and how I work, and are able to help instead of making it worse. It's actually pretty sweet being able to trust every single one of your friends. I haven't had that until recently, but I hear it's all part of getting older and maturing....barf. Whatever.
Think twice before anyone wants to throw you on some medication before trying other means first. I wasn't really even given a chance when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was just like "oh well you're depressed, here's 3 prescriptions, have fun bitch!" I mean I saw a therapist to talk with every week, but that was after I was on the medication already. Prescription drugs are really handed out like candy nowadays, but they can be extremely dangerous, and sometimes more abused addictive than street drugs.
Scary that the drugs we are handed LEGALLY actually make us worse...isnt it?
Try something a little more natural before you resort to chemicals.
<3
For those looking for a late night story to bore you to sleep, you're welcome.
Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants, not because I felt super happy and magically better, but because my prescription ran out and I couldn't get a hold of my psychiatrist. I believe that's why I had such a bad weekend...Last Friday night I actually had a really rough night and almost hurt myself pretty badly. It was honestly over nothing, but I was almost convinced that I wasnt going to wake up the next morning. Thankfully I have the best people in the world as friends (to those who were there for me that night, thank you). I woke up the next morning very lost and confused. My man told me I made it through the night because I truly belong here...
Now as far back as I can remember, I dont recall anyone ever telling me that I truly belong here. I'm sure it goes without saying that my friends and family feel that way regardless, but I dont think I've ever heard those words out loud. I thought about it for awhile, and I think it had some profound effect on me. I decided then and there that instead of refilling my prescription, that I would just take myself off completely.
I had been weighing out the consequences of doing this. I knew I might be a lot more emotional than I have been, that maybe I would start getting depressed and tired all the time, that my body would have to withdraw and detox from my prescription...but I didnt think it was going to make me as sick as I got.
I started taking 40mg of Celexa in March of 2011, and have taken it every day since. I used to be on klonopin and welbutrin ontop of the Celexa as well, but was able to take myself off of both on my own. The dosage I am on may not seem like a large amount, but it is a higher dosage than most people take. Its usually given out as 10 and 20mg in milder cases. You don't really realize how much your body becomes addicted and dependent on prescription drugs until you quit them cold turkey.
A few days after I stopped taking the Celexa, I started to experience some serious vertigo and really crazy emotions. At work I would not be able to sit still. I had to be up on my feet all day. I felt like I had some sort of weird OCD. I was extremely emotional...I tried to have conversations with my man about not taking the pills and I would start crying for no reason at all. It actually made me laugh at myself. I'm sure if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was a drug addict or belonged in a straight jacket. I'm awesome.
Anyways, 2 days ago, it started to become unbearable to even stand up or sit still. The only position I could be in without spinning was laying down. It was hard to turn my head and eyes to look to the left or the right. I was so tired and bitchy too, my bad guys :) Work was just fantastic to bare, considering I had to administer concussion baseline tests to my swim and girls basketball teams. I had to monitor a bunch of high schoolers and answer questions while trying not to fall over and be a giant bitch face to everyone at the same time. I gotta hand it to myself, I did a great job.
So yeah I got pretty bad and decided last night that I'd refill my prescription and take one, with a few dramamines to take the edge off...Im so lame and old. I felt better pretty quick after that and was able to have a pretty badass time with my girls.
I am still hell bent on taking myself off of the Celexa. I guess I just need to take it a little easier instead of quitting them all at once. I guess I just feel like I'm not me anymore...it's more like me but masked with chemicals, if that makes any sense. I feel like nowadays I have everything I need in life and I have figured out better ways to cope with stress. I slip sometimes but I always come to my senses pretty quick or get a reality check from at least one of my friends. I know that before I got on medication I used to be unbearable to deal with at times, but at this point I have weeded out my true friends from the weak ones, and stick with people who really know me and how I work, and are able to help instead of making it worse. It's actually pretty sweet being able to trust every single one of your friends. I haven't had that until recently, but I hear it's all part of getting older and maturing....barf. Whatever.
Think twice before anyone wants to throw you on some medication before trying other means first. I wasn't really even given a chance when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was just like "oh well you're depressed, here's 3 prescriptions, have fun bitch!" I mean I saw a therapist to talk with every week, but that was after I was on the medication already. Prescription drugs are really handed out like candy nowadays, but they can be extremely dangerous, and sometimes more abused addictive than street drugs.
Scary that the drugs we are handed LEGALLY actually make us worse...isnt it?
Try something a little more natural before you resort to chemicals.
<3
Monday, October 15, 2012
She Had What Was Coming to Her...
...she brought this upon herself
...she deserved to die
...she was an attention whore
...just another slut
...shoulda drank more bleach
Those are some of the things I have sadly been reading on Facebook and Twitter about this Amanda Todd girl. If you arent familiar with the story, let this video fill in the blanks for you:
**As a disclaimer, if you havent read my past blogs about my own struggle, I suggest you do, just so you can understand why I feel the way I do. It goes without saying that I have been there so many times.
This girl recently committed suicide which has stormed up a ton of controversy. People have been jumping all over this story saying that she was bullied until she died. I think most people would agree with that statement, yet I continue to see people make a joke out of it.
You think a 15 year old girl deserved to die, huh? You think she had it coming? If you truly believe that, you obviously have no heart. She was alone through all of this torture.
Shes a young, impressionable child. Dont most 15 year old girls go boy crazy? I dont know many that dont. She got attention in a negative way, which is definitely not unheard of. Think back to all the dumb things we did when we were young to get attention. That doesnt mean that people have the right to torture you. So this sent her into depression/anxiety/panic attacks, which is more than debilitating.
She tried to move schools many times to get away from it all, but people basically stalked her to torment her instead of letting it go, making her depression worse. Then she goes off with a guy who claimed he liked her, but basically just used her as a joke. (Ive been there a few times, and i think we all have). So this kids girlfriend decides to call attention to her and punch her in the face. Hey guess what, YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON YOU, i'm pretty sure HE was in the wrong here as well. Depression gets worse, she commits suicide, which she tried 2x before, as her peers continuously coaxed her to do.
Listen, regardless of how you feel about how this girl screwed up and "brought in upon herself," you DO NOT have any right to make light of the situation. Look at the video she made...put yourself in her situation for one freaking second. Imagine yourself getting followed and tortured and used and stalked. She felt like she had no one, and that death was the only answer. Do you even know how that feels, to want to die?? Well I do, and I wouldnt wish that upon my worst enemy. Yeah, I'm still here and I didnt take "the easy way out," but not a lot of people have the strength to carry on like I did. When youre just a kid, you are so impressionable and stupid. Littlest problems cause you to see no light at the end of the tunnel. Peers mean everything to young kids. My issues started after I turned 21, so as an adult, I found it easier to stop myself from not being able to turn back.
Imagine these few situations for one minute here, as painful as this may be...
1. You are alone in your room with a bottle of pain pills that you took from someone else, you feel so alone and worthless that you attempt to take as many pills as you can so the pain all goes away from being made fun of or for being used. You think its the only way out. Its the only thing that will make it stop.
2. You hate yourself so much that you chug a bottle of bleach to end it all, and you can feel it burning your insides all the way down.
3. Youre alone in the bathroom floor with a knife in your hand so you can cut, and if youre lucky, youll cut too deep this time and no one will find you until its too late.
4. You are standing on a chair with a rope around your neck, ready to kick the chair out from underneath yourself to end your life of pain.
Yeah, its really not funny at all. If you're laughing at this, you're laughing at everyone who has attempted or succeeded in suicide. You're laughing at me, you're laughing at my cousin (who succeeded this past summer), my neighbor, probably a family member of yours...how does that feel, good? Does it make you feel like you're that much better than everyone? Well you're wrong...it makes you a sick, heartless shell of a person.
Doesnt matter what you think, this girl WAS bullied, regardless of her dumb choices. No one is glorifying her. They are using it as an example to teach kids what NOT to do. I think it was a good thing for the media to cover it, so maybe someone can learn. Learn not to put dumb stuff on the internet, learn that there is always hope and that people do care about you no matter how alone you feel, learn to BE NICE to people around you, learn to not cause drama or continue on with drama from the past, learn to not torture or make fun of other people REGARDLESS of the reason.
A 15 year old girl is dead. She took her own life.
What are you going to take from this?
...she deserved to die
...she was an attention whore
...just another slut
...shoulda drank more bleach
Those are some of the things I have sadly been reading on Facebook and Twitter about this Amanda Todd girl. If you arent familiar with the story, let this video fill in the blanks for you:
**As a disclaimer, if you havent read my past blogs about my own struggle, I suggest you do, just so you can understand why I feel the way I do. It goes without saying that I have been there so many times.
This girl recently committed suicide which has stormed up a ton of controversy. People have been jumping all over this story saying that she was bullied until she died. I think most people would agree with that statement, yet I continue to see people make a joke out of it.
You think a 15 year old girl deserved to die, huh? You think she had it coming? If you truly believe that, you obviously have no heart. She was alone through all of this torture.
Shes a young, impressionable child. Dont most 15 year old girls go boy crazy? I dont know many that dont. She got attention in a negative way, which is definitely not unheard of. Think back to all the dumb things we did when we were young to get attention. That doesnt mean that people have the right to torture you. So this sent her into depression/anxiety/panic attacks, which is more than debilitating.
She tried to move schools many times to get away from it all, but people basically stalked her to torment her instead of letting it go, making her depression worse. Then she goes off with a guy who claimed he liked her, but basically just used her as a joke. (Ive been there a few times, and i think we all have). So this kids girlfriend decides to call attention to her and punch her in the face. Hey guess what, YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON YOU, i'm pretty sure HE was in the wrong here as well. Depression gets worse, she commits suicide, which she tried 2x before, as her peers continuously coaxed her to do.
Listen, regardless of how you feel about how this girl screwed up and "brought in upon herself," you DO NOT have any right to make light of the situation. Look at the video she made...put yourself in her situation for one freaking second. Imagine yourself getting followed and tortured and used and stalked. She felt like she had no one, and that death was the only answer. Do you even know how that feels, to want to die?? Well I do, and I wouldnt wish that upon my worst enemy. Yeah, I'm still here and I didnt take "the easy way out," but not a lot of people have the strength to carry on like I did. When youre just a kid, you are so impressionable and stupid. Littlest problems cause you to see no light at the end of the tunnel. Peers mean everything to young kids. My issues started after I turned 21, so as an adult, I found it easier to stop myself from not being able to turn back.
Imagine these few situations for one minute here, as painful as this may be...
1. You are alone in your room with a bottle of pain pills that you took from someone else, you feel so alone and worthless that you attempt to take as many pills as you can so the pain all goes away from being made fun of or for being used. You think its the only way out. Its the only thing that will make it stop.
2. You hate yourself so much that you chug a bottle of bleach to end it all, and you can feel it burning your insides all the way down.
3. Youre alone in the bathroom floor with a knife in your hand so you can cut, and if youre lucky, youll cut too deep this time and no one will find you until its too late.
4. You are standing on a chair with a rope around your neck, ready to kick the chair out from underneath yourself to end your life of pain.
Yeah, its really not funny at all. If you're laughing at this, you're laughing at everyone who has attempted or succeeded in suicide. You're laughing at me, you're laughing at my cousin (who succeeded this past summer), my neighbor, probably a family member of yours...how does that feel, good? Does it make you feel like you're that much better than everyone? Well you're wrong...it makes you a sick, heartless shell of a person.
Doesnt matter what you think, this girl WAS bullied, regardless of her dumb choices. No one is glorifying her. They are using it as an example to teach kids what NOT to do. I think it was a good thing for the media to cover it, so maybe someone can learn. Learn not to put dumb stuff on the internet, learn that there is always hope and that people do care about you no matter how alone you feel, learn to BE NICE to people around you, learn to not cause drama or continue on with drama from the past, learn to not torture or make fun of other people REGARDLESS of the reason.
A 15 year old girl is dead. She took her own life.
What are you going to take from this?
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