This blog is about what happened to me exactly four years (I'm roughly 24 hours early on this one). Maybe no one will really understand it, but I need to get it out there because it's been weighing heavily on my mind since last night. I didnt even realize the date until I layed down in my bed...and I ended up crying myself to sleep, thinking how life could have been, and how 4 years ago changed everything.
**Flashback to 4 years ago**
It's Friday, the last day of finals. Time for Christmas break! I was considering going home that day, until one of my classmates decided to throw a party at her house. My roomie and I decided we'd think about going...we already had made plans to go to BDubbs with my brother and his friends to celebrate the end of the semester. So we did that and decided what the hell...let's go to her house and have a good time. Little did I know, that was the night that would change my life for a long time coming. I looked like mismatched crap. Brown slip on shoes (the knock off Ugg kind), ripped jeans, black tanktop under a bright blue hoodie, dark hair, barely any makeup. I remember not giving much of a shit to be honest. The one thing I remember is staring across the room and meeting his bright blue eyes and shy smile. He was wearing skater shoes, jeans, a gray half zip up hoodie with no undershirt, and a black skullcap. I swear I met his eyes for maybe a second...but i knew i had to know him. So me, being the overbearingly outspoken girl that I am, decided to yell WHOS PLAYING THUNDERSTRUCK?! I egged him and his friends on to come down to the basement with us to play, and they did. We all played, laughed, danced...and it was fun. I asked for his number, to see if maybe he would wanna come dancing with us sometime. I remember spelling his incredibly simple name wrong in my phone. A couple minutes later, he said he had to leave, and that was it for then.
A couple weeks later, after almost getting killed in a snowy car crash, I took a chance and texted him. Over break we NEVER stopped talking...pretty much every night until 4am we spent the night on AIM (I'm dating myself here) getting to know eachother. We had EVERYTHING in common. I decided to come back from break a day early with my roomie to have him and his best friend over for movies and drinks. That night was our first kiss. I was drunk, yes. Oops...but I'll never forget it. As a matter of fact, I was his first kiss, period. From then on, we were almost inseparable.
I cant really sum up the next 4 years into words really. Most of you know who I'm talking about, most of you have been there for the ride along side me, most of you know the stories. We were on and off for about 3 years. Through everything, he's always been there for me -as a friend, as a boyfriend, as a family member. Three Christmases together, 3 Easters, 3 New Years, 3 Thanksgivings, 3 trips to Canada, a trip to Chicago, 2 trips to Traverse City, countless family get-togethers, amazing concerts, living together, working out together, losing weight together, him saving my life many times, fights, seeing other people, me moving 2 hours away, etc. It's been 4 long and unforgettable years.
My room is filled with his drawings and paintings, the music I have is pretty much all his, I have 3 rings from him that I wear every single day, my bed has a few stuffed animals from him, he has 2 of mine, i even have a pair of his boxers, the laptop with which I am typing on is from him, our "Triangle Force" stones, presents from his parents, etc. Basically, my every day life is full of him. I can't bare to remove anything.
Even though we have different lives now, I still have a hard time thinking that him and I will not end up together. That has always been my plan since we started dating, to be with him my whole life. I will admit that I had screwed up our relationship over and over and over again...due to fear, due to depression, due to selfishness. It was always me that messed up. I regret it, yes, but it's part of life. It's something that will probably always weight heavy in my heart.
This blog is about regrets, acceptance of hardships, and the struggle to move on. This is incredibly painful for me to write. This is something we all will go through. This is one of those shitty parts of life. Nothing much else I can say.
I will leave you with one quote. For Christmas last year, I asked him to make me a picture of a Pooh Bear quote (because he always called me Pooh Bear). As I opened up this gift last Christmas and read it, I had to put it down because I did not want to cry infront of my family. It is possibly the most meaningful gift I ever have and ever will receive. I keep it on my nightstand, and read it almost every night before I go to bed, and it never fails to make me cry. He said he picked this quote because he wanted me to always feel safe:
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." --Winnie the Pooh
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