Silence...

That was all I could hear in a room FULL of people tonight.

I got the call Monday afternoon from my mother.  She wondered if I had heard anything about my cousin committing suicide.  We hoped it was just a rumor, that maybe it was the wrong person.  I saw nothing on any of my family's facebooks. Shortly after, I got a message from Lea, one of my other cousins.  She confirmed the story to be true.  No way, not my family.  This was not happening...

My mind began racing back to the times my uncle would take us all ice skating- Me, Tiff, Manty, Lea, Monica...We used to have so much fun together, my cousins and I.  It killed me that the only way Tiff and I kept in touch was facebook, and we hadn't even spoken to each other since I was in college.  I barely remember the last conversation we had...

Our minds always turn to "what could I have done to prevent this...?"  That's how I felt.  I feel that maybe I coulda reached out to her, but I had no idea she was having problems.  If we had only kept in touch more, maybe I could have done something...

That's why I have this blog, guys.  That's the reason I started this whole thing- so that maybe I can save at least one person...make at least ONE person think before they act, to let you all know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been there over and over again. I can tell you from experience that no matter how bad it gets, it will all work out.  I am LIVING PROOF that you can get through anything, no matter how hard it seems or how hopeless you feel. Now that my family has been affected by this tragedy, I will never be let myself get that low again.  I will continue to live.  I choose to live.

Please, please, I'm begging all of you.  If you are having a problem, please just reach out to someone- family, friends, your doctor, someone.  If you're reading this and you need advice, even if we hardly ever speak, please just send me a message. I never would wish upon any of you or your families this horrible feeling or experience.

You will die one day, yes, but will you be done living in the end?

In memoria di Tiffany. Ci mancherai.  Ti amo.  <3

Pawn

Heyyyyy everyone.  Just a precursor before I start my rant: this is wine driven-ish.  

This week, I have been doing a lot of thinking...thinking about my career, my family, my friends, my life in general.  I have been completely stressed out as to how everything has been playing out.  I wont go into much detail about any of the above issues...If you really wanna know, ask in person.  

As the week closes out, I have come to a realization: (not that I havent thought about this before...but whatever) not everyone is going to accept you the way that you are.  Those that do are the keepers.  Those that dont...well, F them. 

I have been involved with some seriously deep conversations this week.  A couple with people I barely know, some with people Ive known for a year or 2, a few with close family, and one specifically important one with someone I have known for 15+ years (tonight).  There are a few comments that have been said to me that will probably stick with me for a long ass time:

1) I bet you're the life of the party wherever you go.  When you show up, the party starts.

2) You have a smile that wakes everybody up in the morning.

3) I dont wanna lose you here, so we're gonna keep you for as long as we can.

4) Youre not afraid to approach anyone and offer them help.  Not everyone can do that. 

5) Share your smile and say goodmorning to everyone to brighten their days too!

6) Please dont ever leave us. 

7) I need you.

8) I love you.

9) I miss you.  

10) Thank you for doing what you do.

11) Do not ever change who you are.  I dont care what the circumstances are. 

While all of them struck a chord in some way, number 11 is probably the most profound thing I've heard all week.  Tonight I went to one of my best friends houses to bullshit, bitch, laugh, and take a load off.  I basically was yelled at for 30 straight minutes (in a good way).  She stood up off her couch, looked at me in disbelief, and started going off about how I should never ever change who I am for anyone.  I fought back with many "yeah, but..." excuses, but she kept repeating "yeah but nothing...thats how YOU ARE.  Stop making excuses as to why you arent good enough.  Too many people love you for you, and dont try to change who you are.  If you need to change yourself, why bother?"

Why bother?...  She's right.  How many times a day do we tell ourselves "if only I could be like this..." "this person would like me better if i did this..." ? Why not just be yourself?  The ones who dont accept you are the ones who dont deserve to kiss the ground you walk on.   Stop worrying about how other people see you, especially if its negative.  9 times out of 10, if someone has a problem with you, THEY'RE the one with the issue.

Dont work your ass off to get others to like you.  Keep the ones who like you for who you are...the rest are trash waiting to be thrown out with the rest of the garbage, trust me.  The majority of people who have a problem with me are two faced, use their friends as pawns, and dont even contribute to society...And I'm letting that stress me out...anyone else want to verbally punch me in the face?  I need to be brought back to reality every once in a while.  

Last year I had zero self esteem.  I was severely depressed, anorexic, couldnt look in the mirror, could barely get out of bed unless forced.  JUST so maybe someone would accept me.  I changed everything about myself to please like...2 people. I became a pawn.  I sacrificed Campo, and became someone else. 

As soon as that ended, I did everything they said they'd dislike about me if I did.  I chopped my hair off, I bleached it, I started lifting again, I ate whatever I wanted, I walked and talked and acted how this Campo is supposed to act.

Somehow I got caught up in it all again and Ive obviously struggled.  I wont let myself get back to that.  Ive come too far.  When and if I start falling, Ive got this amazing group of people in my life to kick my ass.  I have the most fun, crazy, LOUD, hilarious, loving, and ACCEPTING people in my life.  They get along with and welcome anyone new that I bring to the table, unless I say otherwise...then its just an all out shit show.  They dont talk shit like children, they dont ignore or dismiss anyone.  Never have I met a better group of people, and I probably never will.  If my crew is your crew, then you know exactly what I mean.  Its better to be in OUR circle than out ;)  

Here's who I AM:

-I am loud

-I am blunt

-I am opinionated

-I am strong as hell

-I am driven

-I am honest

-I am a best friend

-I am a sister

-I am a daughter

-I am a niece

-I am a cousin

-I am caring

-I am loving

-I am emotional

-I am the epitome of awesome

-I am ME

...I see nothing wrong with any of the above 

 

I AM NOT HERE TO PLEASE ANYONE.  I AM NOT HERE TO BE A PAWN. I am the queen...I can make any move wherever I want, whenever I want, and conquer anyone who gets in my way.  (Chess terms...like that shit?!)

Yeah I'm here...Im emm-effing CAMPO...and you best believe it.  

If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass

OH...AND HAVE A LOVELY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!

Something About This Place Brings Out All the Worst

I think my aunt summed this one up pretty well:

"Gee, back in my day, when a kid got mad, they punched someone, nowadays they get a gun and shoot someone...back in my day, a person would sneak a beer, nowadays they take hard core drugs...back in my day, kids had a strict dress code at school, nowadays they dress in scary gothic attire...back in my day, kids would walk along the beach hand in hand listening to Frankie Avalon, nowadays they listen... to heavy metal and get knocked around in a mosh pit...back in my day, kids would sneak under the football bleachers and sneak a kiss from their steady date, nowadays they are having babies at 14 and 15 years-old...back in my day, we got grounded for getting home late, nowadays, kids are out walking the streets in the middle of the night! I could go on, but suffice it to say, things have changed nowadays!" 

So I'm at my internship this morning when I happened to glance at one of our TVs, which said BREAKING NEWS: Shooting at Chardon High School.  Oddly, I was thinking the best out of a bad situation.  Thinking maybe someone just shot a gun and didnt hit anyone.  Then I see "three injured."  Next thought is "okay good, a couple of injuries, no one is dead."   I got ahold of my mom, who is a teacher at Lake Catholic, just to make sure she was in the loop and that she was okay.

 I drive home, rush to turn on my TV, I see "four injured, one dead."  Okay, this is turning out to be worse than I thought.  I followed the story as closely as possible.  Found out that the boy that was killed is one of my friends' cousins, which is just awful.

Honestly, I just wanted to get to VASJ and see my kids. I just wanted to see them and know they were okay. Those kids mean the world to me, and to think this coulda happened to them...it just sucked even thinking about it....thinking that this could happen anywhere...to anyone.  At VASJ, I learned that another victim is a good friend of one of my kids.  Everyone's connected to someone, guys....this kind of thing affects more people than you think.

It's a sad reality of what society is becoming.  Killing people is now the way to solve your problems.  Communication is 75% done via the internet.  Parenting is completely different.  Things are just not the way they used to be.  

I must say that I was raised in a semi strict household.  Mom and Dad stuck their noses in my business.  We ate dinner as a family every night.  We never had guns in the house. I was in by dark. We talked about stuff.  I had rules, and was punished accordingly if the rules were broken.  Back then, I hated it.  Now, I am thankful for it.  John and I were always allowed to listen to whatever music we wanted.  At some point, him and I were both into very heavy metal and violent video games.  Luckily, we were taught the difference between reality and fantasy.  We were taught the correct way to view things.  We were taught level headedness (that's not a word, too bad).  Never once did either of us resort to violence to bring our points across.  I was bullied in grade school, and some of high school.  I never brought a gun or pulled a knife on anyone, nor would the thought cross my mind.  I fought back with my words like a big girl.

Even today, dealing with my depression and whatnot- people piss me off all the time.  I get bitchy and crabby often, but never would I think to physically harm anyone for making me mad or what have you.  I still listen to a lot of heavy music, but that doesnt ever influence me to harm people. 

So, Campo, who is there to blame??

As you read my next few viewpoints, keep in mind that I dont condone what this kid did.  Ultimately, it is his fault.  He knows what he did was so incredibly wrong, he turned himself in, and he better pay his dues in prison. 

Now let's put this into perspective.  The kid...TJ Lane...He had no one.  He was a loner.  Dad's in trouble with the law over and over again.  Who knows where mom is?  He goes to an "at risk-students" school.  He's bullied.  He's probably lost in his own world.  He had no role models, no one to care for him or look after him.  Does this really come as a surprise to anyone honestly?  TJ is to blame, but consider his circumstances....Parents are to blame in situations like this.  

This TJ kid, he threw all these major hints at people via facebook and twitter.  He wrote a very scary poem and posted it on FB...the last words he wrote in this poem were "die, all of you."  The pictures he put up were pictures of him pointing guns...People saw these things...many people, and no one said a damn thing.  If ONE person would have spoken up, this may not have happened.  The ones who kept their mouths shut should take some blame.

Now, you all know that I like guns.  I like to shoot.  I believe in the right to bare arms.  I do not believe that guns should be abolished.  Guns dont kill people, PEOPLE kill people.  I don't blame this issue on the lack of gun control.  I see no sense in it.  I've never really heard of anyone who has gone through courses and lessons and more courses that has used a gun to harm someone for no reason.  I look forward to getting my CCW possibly this summer and I cant wait to get my pistol, but I hope to god that I never have to use it.  Who knows in this world anymore though, right?? Guns and gun control are NOT to be blamed.

We can blame the music he listened to and his gothic lifestyle...because that makes sense.  Just because someone dresses differently and/or listens to heavy shit does not automatically make them a soon-to-be killer.  Goth is a style, music is music. I know that music nowadays has become and condones violence and whatnot in a lot of cases (which is why I stick with 60s and 70s music usually), but music isnt to be blamed for how someone reacts to situations.  Dont blame music, dont blame style.  Dont judge a book by its cover.

Lets be honest, kids nowadays are soft.  Bullying has become this HUGE thing now.  Bullying has been going on forever.  But for some reason, kids in this society fight back with violence.  They dont know how to talk to people, they dont have family to turn to when they feel threatened.  What does a cat do when you threaten it?  it hisses at you and usually attacks you.  Humans have become the same way.  So why even bother bullying someone?  Does it make you feel better as a person?  Is your life that boring that you need to take the extra time to make someone feel like shit for a dumb reason?  It's senseless to fight fire with fire, but that's sometimes all people know how to do, especially a kid like TJ.  You never know who you are actually pushing.  You dont know what anyone is capable of.  You might just push them too hard one day, and then this shit happens.  Bullies should be blamed.

See, I really just dont know what its like to get raised in a shitty environment.  I dont know what its like to have no one, to be no one.  I dont know what its like to not have a family to come home to every day.  I dont know what its like to have no friends.  I dont know what its like to go to an at risk school.  These kids that DO know what that's like...I feel bad for them.  I wish more kids had parents like mine.  I wish we all lived in a society like the 50s and 60s generations did.  I feel that there's just less and less caring in our society.  Kids can do whatever they want whenever they want...no one cares...blah blah blah.  Thats not how it should be, it just isnt.

I guess, like my aunt said, times have really changed.  It's utterly terrifying.  I'm just thankful for how I was raised, and I will continue that with my future children.  

I hope everyone takes this situation and learns from it.  It's a tragedy, it's terrible, it's heartbreaking.  LEARN.  Do not repeat mistakes.  Hold your kids a little closer, get closer with your parents, treat others well, smile at people even if you dont know them.  Just little things that take next to no effort could make all the difference.

I like a phrase that one of my buddies used today: ELE- Everyone love everyone.  

My heart goes out to everyone effected by today's events.  We will pull through as a city, as a state, as a nation.  Wear red tomorrow to let people know that we have Chardon's back.  

I love you all.  Let's put a stop to this shit.

Where We Learned To Celebrate

Been a while, everyone.  Welcome back to my head. 

Lots has happened since my last post.  My best friend/ex stopped talking to me because he has somehow become a father and is too busy to talk to his friends.  It was heartbreaking to know that i'd probably never talk to him again.  I became even more depressed and was put on another antidepressant.  I was basically sleeping all day every day and was living off a short fuse.  I decided it would be a good idea to purge my room of all of Jon's paintings and stuff.  I couldnt do it by myself, so of course Kate was there for me the whole time.  We didnt get rid of anything, but put in in bags in my attic so I didnt have to look at them anymore.  It was incredibly heartbreaking to get rid of 4 years of stuff from him.  I found old letters and a picture of the engagement ring we were gonna get.  Seeing that stuff was painful to say the least.  I wrote him one last letter, which he never answered.  Im not sure taking his stuff down is helping much.  I actually notice it more that its all gone, and it really hurts.  Kate assured me that one day I'll be able to look at his stuff again...I'm not sure how much I believe that...

...So fast forward to this weekend.  Kate and I decided that since we both had a free weekend that we'd take a trip back to our old stomping grounds in Toledo...We made tattoo appointments which was super exciting.  We were both under the impression that this would be the best weekend ever.  I mean we drove through a blizzard yesterday to get there.

We went out to lunch with some friends, Katie and Brandon.  Katie has been very support of me and somehow always knows when I'm sad.  So it was good to see them again and eat Mongolian BBQ (great place).  Kate and I went back to the apartments we used to live and work at...we tried to take a fake tour and pretend we never lived there, but we got caught.  They foiled our plan...bitch.  So that didnt go as planned.   The rest of the day, we just kinda dicked around and visited a couple more friends until our tattoo appointments.  It was great to see my artist, Mike, again.  He is not only an amazing artist, but a great person to talk to and offer advice.  He is also a lying assface ;) Love you bud.  Kate got a tattoo on her foot that reads "Hope."  It's absolutely beautiful and original...and painful.  I got my thigh piece finished up finally.  That was definitely the highlight of the trip.

That night we planned on going to our favorite bar, Loonies.  Jon used to work there and a lot of our mutual friends still hang out there.  In the back of my mind I was thinking that this was a terrible idea on my part, but I ignored that feeling and we still went.  Everything was fine at first.  We danced and drank and sat on the couch just like we used to...Then it all went to shit when someone informed me that Jon had moved to Sandusky and moved in with his girlfriend and her kid.  After I heard that, I went out back and cried...We decided it was best that we left and went elsewhere.  Kate and Corrinne really kept me from completely losing it.  We had a semi amount of fun at the next bar.  We got tired, went home, and bullshat for a while.  Without going into detail, the girls and I had our own separate breakdowns throughout the night.  I honestly just couldnt wait to go home...

We woke up this morning and decided to hit the road much earlier than we originally planned.  For me, there were just too many memories there.  I used to love that place, and I never wanted to leave it.  The memories are amazing, the people there are awesome...but I guess that's all in the past now.  Now its just different.  I dont think I'll be going back again unless I get another tattoo from Mike.  I am only thankful that I got to spend a whole day with Kate and see some of my good friends again...

To say the least, this trip was painful and I cant go back again.  

No Excuses

I've actually been meaning to write this blog for a while, and it was actually going to primarily deal with people who give excuses for not working out.  I've actually changed that around a little and added a few more things in there after a few people in my life expressed some things.  Now that I have an afternoon to myself, here I go.

This one is all about the excuses that people are full of.  Excuses as to why they can't work out, excuses as to why they can't eat healthy, excuses as to why they cant spend time or have a conversation with their friends or family.

The best excuse:  "I dont have time to work out for an hour,"  "I'm injured."  "I dont have time to make a healthy meal," "I dont have time to shoot a text or a phone call to a friend," "I dont have time to sit down with my family and have a conversation." 

Let me go ahead and share with you a little bit about myself, and we can go ahead and compare our schedules, shall we?  I am a Master's student at Cleveland State.  This is my last semester at CSU, as I will be graduating in May.  In my last semester, I am required to A) go to class once a week for 4 hours (Tuesday nights from 5-9), B) start an internship that adds up to about 150 hours, and C) pass my comp exam in March which covers all of what Ive learned over my 2 years in graduate school- aka I will be studying my ass off for the next 2 months.  I started my internship a little over a week ago.  I am working as a general trainer at the gym at the JCC in Beachwood.  I work there Monday and Friday mornings, 8am-12pm, and Sundays 9am-1pm.  ON TOP of CSU's requirements, I also work as a graduate assistant Athletic Trainer for the Cleveland Clinic.  Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I work in a Physical Therapy Clinic from 8am-12pm (sometimes 1pm if we have a meeting).  AND Monday through Friday I work at VASJ High School as their sole Athletic Trainer.  I am there every day from 2:30pm until 6pm, unless we have games (right now its bball season, so I'm there a couple nights a week til about 9:30, and Saturday evenings until 9:30 as well).  About twice a month we have 6:30am meetings on Friday mornings that we have to attend.  ANNNND I have therapy on Wednesdays from 1pm-2pm.

Somewhere in that insane schedule, I find time to lift/do cardio SIX days a week.  Currently, I am working as hard as I can, ON MY OWN, to be able to compete in a powerlifting meet sometime this year.  I have no personal trainer, I just read my dad's powerlifting mags and get his input as much as I can when I get to see him.  I lift 4 days a week, and I do cardio 2 days a week.  I have a goal and I'm putting as much effort in as possible to be able to reach that goal.  As for the "I'm injured" excuse, I've got a torn shoulder, military neck, an injured disk in my lower back, and arthritis in my thumb.  ALSO, at the clinic, I work with injured patients to rehab them back to health.  Rehab is called therapeutic exercise for a reason.  There is ALWAYS some type of exercise you can do. 

 I find time to drop a line to my friends as much as I can.  Even if it's just a stupid hey whats up or something.  I MAKE time to spend time with them as much as I can as well.  I can't live life and handle all this shit if I shut out my friends.  They understand my schedule, I understand theirs.  Most of them are just as busy as I am, but we still try our best to AT THE VERY LEAST keep in touch as often as possible.  NEVER ONCE have I said "I'm too busy to talk to you."  I LOVE talking to my friends during the week, which is probably mainly why I have friends...cuz I keep in touch and they know I think about them often.  I mean, even if it's JUST on twitter or facebook or something dumb.  I can take a minute to say hi.

Conveniently, I do live with my mom, dad, and brother, I live across the street from my gramma, and I live down the road from my baby cousin who is one of my best friends.  It's weird that regardless of this fact, I barely see any of them.  I see my mom and dad most nights, dad not as much because he is in bed by 9 every night.  I spend as much time as I can with my mom as well- Wednesday and Sunday nights we watch our shows together.  I wander my way to my gramma's house on Sunday nights for scrabble night with her and my mom.  I get to spend Thursday nights watching Parks and Rec and The Office with my brother...since that's pretty much the only time he isnt studying for his PT boards test, and pretty much the only time i get to see him for more than 5 mins.  I take any extra free time I have to go to my cousin's salon to get my hair done just so I can spend some time with her. 

As for eating healthy, yeah my mom cooks most nights, but breakfast, lunch, and snacks are on me.  When I lived in Toledo on my own, I was in charge of buying my own damn groceries and making my own damn dinners.  So yeah, I'm capable of that too.  I eat well, I choose healthy foods, I make good choices...and sometimes I eat some damn chocolate...so what?!   

Lets sum that up and make that less confusing for those of you whose brains just exploded:

M: internship 8am-12pm, lift, shower, VASJ 2:30-6, comps study group 7:30-?
T: PT clinic 8-12, VASJ 2:30-4:30, class 5-9
W: lift, shower, Therapy 1-2, VASJ 2:30-6 (we often have bball on Weds so sometimes 9:30) Modern Fam with my mom and dad at 9:30
R:  PT clinic 8-12 (1 oclock twice a month), run, shower,VASJ 2:30-6 (games usually this night so 9pm sometimes)...if no games, brother/sister time
F: meetings 6:30-7:30, internship 8-12, lift, shower, VASJ 2:30-6 (games til 9:30 or so)
S: lift, shower, VASJ 5-9:30ish
S: internship 9-1, cardio, shower, scrabble night at grams

So uhhh...yeah...whats your excuse for not working out?  Whats your excuse for not having time for your friends?  Whats your excuse for not spending time with your family??  Whats your excuse for not eating right??

Take a piece of paper and a pen, and write down all your excuses for the above.  I'll wait..........................

Good, now take that piece of paper, and throw it away.  Your excuses are garbage, and no one wants to hear them.

Have a nice day, and do something.

This is Not Your Year

2011...

Definitely a year of growth and change for me.  I can't say I'm sad to see it go, and I can say with all honesty this was the roughest year of my life thus far.   It started off poorly, and ended poorly as well.   I can't say I remember everything that has happened (my memory blows), but I remember most.  I want to throw some of these random memories out there so I can leave them behind and move on. 

We rang in the New Year last year at Boo's cousin's house.  We drank our asses off and had a wonderful night.  It was my second year celebrating the New Year with my best friend....this year will be the 3rd, and definitely not the last.  I've written about her a few times and I really dont need to repeat myself, but our relationship has really grown this year.  We spent a few months apart, but we found each other again, and we will, from now on, be inseparable.  My best friend, my sister, was diagnosed with brain cancer this year, but in the years to follow, we're gonna beat that.  We're a united front and nothing can stop us. 

I added a few scars to my body, shed some pounds due to anorexia, and lost a part of myself. I started therapy this year in March. It's a mixed bag I suppose...on one hand I have a therapist that I can vent to and that can give me advice and stimulate my brain.  On the other hand, I have to wake up and take a pill every morning to control my mood.  I will continue on with therapy and whatnot, and see where it takes me in life.

I had a couple terrible break ups this year.  I keep in touch with the guys that had a pretty positive effect on my life.  There are a few that I will never speak to again, and that I regret being with, but it's all part of the learning process I suppose.  I feel like I lost a part of myself this summer as I was pretty much using my single relationship status in the wrong way.  I've learned to be more picky and take my time if I do decide to date again. As a friend told me last night, "all we have is time."  I'm honestly not sure that I will put my heart out there again, and I have lost a TON of hope and trust as a result of some of these break ups.  Who knows, maybe one day someone will be able to sweep me off my feet again...

I lost my Great Aunt Mary and Great Uncle Will this year, one within a month of the other.  They lived a long and happy life together, and it was clear that one could not live without the other simply because they were literally eachother's everything.  This did give me hope that love can in fact last a life time.  They were together their whole lives, and will continue to be together in the afterlife.  Their deaths enabled me to finally visit my Grampa Maher's grave site.  My aunt and uncle were buried within feet of my grampa...which we were unaware of...So it was actually a very touching experience. 

The positives of 2011 that I will not be leaving in the past: 

The new friends I've made

Friendships that have become stronger

The sweet concerts I went to

Family that I have become closer to

Powerlifting and long runs

My crazy hair styles and colors- special shoutout to my little cousin for this one <3

My new tattoos and piercings

My amazing job: my switch to a new PT clinic, and the opportunity to work with people who challenge my knowledge and help me learn how to become better at what I do.  My VASJ kids, who mean the absolute world to me.  

My opportunity to continue my education in the graduate program at CSU. 

It always helps to end with the positive...makes me think that maybe 2011 wasnt THAT awful.

A new year is about to start, which means I am putting an end to this chapter and starting a new one.  Chapter 24 in my life, Chapter 2012...  Have a happy and safe New Year everyone!  Leave the past in the past, and celebrate...there is no greater time than right now, and tomorrow never exists.

So here's to you 2011.  Cheers.

 Much love

Bittersweet

Today, my brother and his girlfriend graduated from PT school.  My big brother was recognized for the first time in front of a crown of thousands as Dr. John Campolieti.  The girl he loves was recognized for the first time in front of that same crowd as Dr. Lindsay Sellers.  Everything they have worked for has finally paid off.  Nine years of grade school, four years of high school, four years of undergraduate, and three long years of PT school, and he's all done.  Words cannot express the joy and pride I felt in my heart today when I got to see MY brother receive his doctoral hood and his diploma.  Today was a good day.

This morning during the ceremony, one of my good friends and I reconciled and apologized to one another and came to an understanding.  The past couple of days, it was sure that we would no longer be friends.  My heart was filled with happiness.  Today was a good day.

Tonight, I got to go to dinner with my family and Lindsay's family at a wonderful restaurant.  I got to buy my parents, brother, and Lindsay a drink at the bar.  I got to spend time with the family of the girl that my brother loves.  Our families shared stories and laughs.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, my boyfriend dumped me via text message out of the blue.  He said he had too much to deal with.  The last time I spoke to him he told me how much he loved me and how he wanted so bad for us to work.  He said he wouldn't leave me through the rough times like my last boyfriend did.  Last night I told him how much he meant to me and how much I miss and love him.  He never answered me until this morning when he said "leave me alone." He dumped me while I was at dinner with our families. My family already insists that my relationships are jokes.  They basically laugh at me when I say I met someone anymore.  Last week, my grandma told my cousin that she probably will never meet my most recent boyfriend because he'll be gone before we know it.  Tonight she said at the dinner table that I go through guys like crazy.  Unfortunately, Gram, it's the guys that go through me so quickly. Tonight was a bad night.

Tonight, I was so shocked, overwhelmed, alone, and sad, that I had to take pills to calm me down.  Tonight was a bad night.

Tonight, I called on my best friend to talk me through yet another break-up even though she has more serious problems going on.  My best friend has cancer, and she took the time out of her night to turn my tears into laughter in a matter of seconds.  She put aside her much more serious problems to help her friend, whose problem is so small and irrelevant.  She has to deal with me like this constantly.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, I had just stopped crying in time to catch the very end of one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption.  I caught it just in time to hear the quote that I have tattood on my leg.  "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, a couple of my closest friends (one being an ex that I have recently become friends with), and my big cousin saw my relationship status had changed on facebook, and took time out of their lives to text me to make sure I was okay, that I could always talk to them about anything at any time of any day.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, I get to spend time with my brother just watching tv.  We probably will hardly talk to each other, but he's home, he's here, he's my big brother...and he's moving up in the world.  Sooner or later I wont be able to have a night like this.  Tonight is a good night.

Tomorrow...well tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will deal with it when it gets here.