Something About This Place Brings Out All the Worst

I think my aunt summed this one up pretty well:

"Gee, back in my day, when a kid got mad, they punched someone, nowadays they get a gun and shoot someone...back in my day, a person would sneak a beer, nowadays they take hard core drugs...back in my day, kids had a strict dress code at school, nowadays they dress in scary gothic attire...back in my day, kids would walk along the beach hand in hand listening to Frankie Avalon, nowadays they listen... to heavy metal and get knocked around in a mosh pit...back in my day, kids would sneak under the football bleachers and sneak a kiss from their steady date, nowadays they are having babies at 14 and 15 years-old...back in my day, we got grounded for getting home late, nowadays, kids are out walking the streets in the middle of the night! I could go on, but suffice it to say, things have changed nowadays!" 

So I'm at my internship this morning when I happened to glance at one of our TVs, which said BREAKING NEWS: Shooting at Chardon High School.  Oddly, I was thinking the best out of a bad situation.  Thinking maybe someone just shot a gun and didnt hit anyone.  Then I see "three injured."  Next thought is "okay good, a couple of injuries, no one is dead."   I got ahold of my mom, who is a teacher at Lake Catholic, just to make sure she was in the loop and that she was okay.

 I drive home, rush to turn on my TV, I see "four injured, one dead."  Okay, this is turning out to be worse than I thought.  I followed the story as closely as possible.  Found out that the boy that was killed is one of my friends' cousins, which is just awful.

Honestly, I just wanted to get to VASJ and see my kids. I just wanted to see them and know they were okay. Those kids mean the world to me, and to think this coulda happened to them...it just sucked even thinking about it....thinking that this could happen anywhere...to anyone.  At VASJ, I learned that another victim is a good friend of one of my kids.  Everyone's connected to someone, guys....this kind of thing affects more people than you think.

It's a sad reality of what society is becoming.  Killing people is now the way to solve your problems.  Communication is 75% done via the internet.  Parenting is completely different.  Things are just not the way they used to be.  

I must say that I was raised in a semi strict household.  Mom and Dad stuck their noses in my business.  We ate dinner as a family every night.  We never had guns in the house. I was in by dark. We talked about stuff.  I had rules, and was punished accordingly if the rules were broken.  Back then, I hated it.  Now, I am thankful for it.  John and I were always allowed to listen to whatever music we wanted.  At some point, him and I were both into very heavy metal and violent video games.  Luckily, we were taught the difference between reality and fantasy.  We were taught the correct way to view things.  We were taught level headedness (that's not a word, too bad).  Never once did either of us resort to violence to bring our points across.  I was bullied in grade school, and some of high school.  I never brought a gun or pulled a knife on anyone, nor would the thought cross my mind.  I fought back with my words like a big girl.

Even today, dealing with my depression and whatnot- people piss me off all the time.  I get bitchy and crabby often, but never would I think to physically harm anyone for making me mad or what have you.  I still listen to a lot of heavy music, but that doesnt ever influence me to harm people. 

So, Campo, who is there to blame??

As you read my next few viewpoints, keep in mind that I dont condone what this kid did.  Ultimately, it is his fault.  He knows what he did was so incredibly wrong, he turned himself in, and he better pay his dues in prison. 

Now let's put this into perspective.  The kid...TJ Lane...He had no one.  He was a loner.  Dad's in trouble with the law over and over again.  Who knows where mom is?  He goes to an "at risk-students" school.  He's bullied.  He's probably lost in his own world.  He had no role models, no one to care for him or look after him.  Does this really come as a surprise to anyone honestly?  TJ is to blame, but consider his circumstances....Parents are to blame in situations like this.  

This TJ kid, he threw all these major hints at people via facebook and twitter.  He wrote a very scary poem and posted it on FB...the last words he wrote in this poem were "die, all of you."  The pictures he put up were pictures of him pointing guns...People saw these things...many people, and no one said a damn thing.  If ONE person would have spoken up, this may not have happened.  The ones who kept their mouths shut should take some blame.

Now, you all know that I like guns.  I like to shoot.  I believe in the right to bare arms.  I do not believe that guns should be abolished.  Guns dont kill people, PEOPLE kill people.  I don't blame this issue on the lack of gun control.  I see no sense in it.  I've never really heard of anyone who has gone through courses and lessons and more courses that has used a gun to harm someone for no reason.  I look forward to getting my CCW possibly this summer and I cant wait to get my pistol, but I hope to god that I never have to use it.  Who knows in this world anymore though, right?? Guns and gun control are NOT to be blamed.

We can blame the music he listened to and his gothic lifestyle...because that makes sense.  Just because someone dresses differently and/or listens to heavy shit does not automatically make them a soon-to-be killer.  Goth is a style, music is music. I know that music nowadays has become and condones violence and whatnot in a lot of cases (which is why I stick with 60s and 70s music usually), but music isnt to be blamed for how someone reacts to situations.  Dont blame music, dont blame style.  Dont judge a book by its cover.

Lets be honest, kids nowadays are soft.  Bullying has become this HUGE thing now.  Bullying has been going on forever.  But for some reason, kids in this society fight back with violence.  They dont know how to talk to people, they dont have family to turn to when they feel threatened.  What does a cat do when you threaten it?  it hisses at you and usually attacks you.  Humans have become the same way.  So why even bother bullying someone?  Does it make you feel better as a person?  Is your life that boring that you need to take the extra time to make someone feel like shit for a dumb reason?  It's senseless to fight fire with fire, but that's sometimes all people know how to do, especially a kid like TJ.  You never know who you are actually pushing.  You dont know what anyone is capable of.  You might just push them too hard one day, and then this shit happens.  Bullies should be blamed.

See, I really just dont know what its like to get raised in a shitty environment.  I dont know what its like to have no one, to be no one.  I dont know what its like to not have a family to come home to every day.  I dont know what its like to have no friends.  I dont know what its like to go to an at risk school.  These kids that DO know what that's like...I feel bad for them.  I wish more kids had parents like mine.  I wish we all lived in a society like the 50s and 60s generations did.  I feel that there's just less and less caring in our society.  Kids can do whatever they want whenever they want...no one cares...blah blah blah.  Thats not how it should be, it just isnt.

I guess, like my aunt said, times have really changed.  It's utterly terrifying.  I'm just thankful for how I was raised, and I will continue that with my future children.  

I hope everyone takes this situation and learns from it.  It's a tragedy, it's terrible, it's heartbreaking.  LEARN.  Do not repeat mistakes.  Hold your kids a little closer, get closer with your parents, treat others well, smile at people even if you dont know them.  Just little things that take next to no effort could make all the difference.

I like a phrase that one of my buddies used today: ELE- Everyone love everyone.  

My heart goes out to everyone effected by today's events.  We will pull through as a city, as a state, as a nation.  Wear red tomorrow to let people know that we have Chardon's back.  

I love you all.  Let's put a stop to this shit.

Where We Learned To Celebrate

Been a while, everyone.  Welcome back to my head. 

Lots has happened since my last post.  My best friend/ex stopped talking to me because he has somehow become a father and is too busy to talk to his friends.  It was heartbreaking to know that i'd probably never talk to him again.  I became even more depressed and was put on another antidepressant.  I was basically sleeping all day every day and was living off a short fuse.  I decided it would be a good idea to purge my room of all of Jon's paintings and stuff.  I couldnt do it by myself, so of course Kate was there for me the whole time.  We didnt get rid of anything, but put in in bags in my attic so I didnt have to look at them anymore.  It was incredibly heartbreaking to get rid of 4 years of stuff from him.  I found old letters and a picture of the engagement ring we were gonna get.  Seeing that stuff was painful to say the least.  I wrote him one last letter, which he never answered.  Im not sure taking his stuff down is helping much.  I actually notice it more that its all gone, and it really hurts.  Kate assured me that one day I'll be able to look at his stuff again...I'm not sure how much I believe that...

...So fast forward to this weekend.  Kate and I decided that since we both had a free weekend that we'd take a trip back to our old stomping grounds in Toledo...We made tattoo appointments which was super exciting.  We were both under the impression that this would be the best weekend ever.  I mean we drove through a blizzard yesterday to get there.

We went out to lunch with some friends, Katie and Brandon.  Katie has been very support of me and somehow always knows when I'm sad.  So it was good to see them again and eat Mongolian BBQ (great place).  Kate and I went back to the apartments we used to live and work at...we tried to take a fake tour and pretend we never lived there, but we got caught.  They foiled our plan...bitch.  So that didnt go as planned.   The rest of the day, we just kinda dicked around and visited a couple more friends until our tattoo appointments.  It was great to see my artist, Mike, again.  He is not only an amazing artist, but a great person to talk to and offer advice.  He is also a lying assface ;) Love you bud.  Kate got a tattoo on her foot that reads "Hope."  It's absolutely beautiful and original...and painful.  I got my thigh piece finished up finally.  That was definitely the highlight of the trip.

That night we planned on going to our favorite bar, Loonies.  Jon used to work there and a lot of our mutual friends still hang out there.  In the back of my mind I was thinking that this was a terrible idea on my part, but I ignored that feeling and we still went.  Everything was fine at first.  We danced and drank and sat on the couch just like we used to...Then it all went to shit when someone informed me that Jon had moved to Sandusky and moved in with his girlfriend and her kid.  After I heard that, I went out back and cried...We decided it was best that we left and went elsewhere.  Kate and Corrinne really kept me from completely losing it.  We had a semi amount of fun at the next bar.  We got tired, went home, and bullshat for a while.  Without going into detail, the girls and I had our own separate breakdowns throughout the night.  I honestly just couldnt wait to go home...

We woke up this morning and decided to hit the road much earlier than we originally planned.  For me, there were just too many memories there.  I used to love that place, and I never wanted to leave it.  The memories are amazing, the people there are awesome...but I guess that's all in the past now.  Now its just different.  I dont think I'll be going back again unless I get another tattoo from Mike.  I am only thankful that I got to spend a whole day with Kate and see some of my good friends again...

To say the least, this trip was painful and I cant go back again.  

No Excuses

I've actually been meaning to write this blog for a while, and it was actually going to primarily deal with people who give excuses for not working out.  I've actually changed that around a little and added a few more things in there after a few people in my life expressed some things.  Now that I have an afternoon to myself, here I go.

This one is all about the excuses that people are full of.  Excuses as to why they can't work out, excuses as to why they can't eat healthy, excuses as to why they cant spend time or have a conversation with their friends or family.

The best excuse:  "I dont have time to work out for an hour,"  "I'm injured."  "I dont have time to make a healthy meal," "I dont have time to shoot a text or a phone call to a friend," "I dont have time to sit down with my family and have a conversation." 

Let me go ahead and share with you a little bit about myself, and we can go ahead and compare our schedules, shall we?  I am a Master's student at Cleveland State.  This is my last semester at CSU, as I will be graduating in May.  In my last semester, I am required to A) go to class once a week for 4 hours (Tuesday nights from 5-9), B) start an internship that adds up to about 150 hours, and C) pass my comp exam in March which covers all of what Ive learned over my 2 years in graduate school- aka I will be studying my ass off for the next 2 months.  I started my internship a little over a week ago.  I am working as a general trainer at the gym at the JCC in Beachwood.  I work there Monday and Friday mornings, 8am-12pm, and Sundays 9am-1pm.  ON TOP of CSU's requirements, I also work as a graduate assistant Athletic Trainer for the Cleveland Clinic.  Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I work in a Physical Therapy Clinic from 8am-12pm (sometimes 1pm if we have a meeting).  AND Monday through Friday I work at VASJ High School as their sole Athletic Trainer.  I am there every day from 2:30pm until 6pm, unless we have games (right now its bball season, so I'm there a couple nights a week til about 9:30, and Saturday evenings until 9:30 as well).  About twice a month we have 6:30am meetings on Friday mornings that we have to attend.  ANNNND I have therapy on Wednesdays from 1pm-2pm.

Somewhere in that insane schedule, I find time to lift/do cardio SIX days a week.  Currently, I am working as hard as I can, ON MY OWN, to be able to compete in a powerlifting meet sometime this year.  I have no personal trainer, I just read my dad's powerlifting mags and get his input as much as I can when I get to see him.  I lift 4 days a week, and I do cardio 2 days a week.  I have a goal and I'm putting as much effort in as possible to be able to reach that goal.  As for the "I'm injured" excuse, I've got a torn shoulder, military neck, an injured disk in my lower back, and arthritis in my thumb.  ALSO, at the clinic, I work with injured patients to rehab them back to health.  Rehab is called therapeutic exercise for a reason.  There is ALWAYS some type of exercise you can do. 

 I find time to drop a line to my friends as much as I can.  Even if it's just a stupid hey whats up or something.  I MAKE time to spend time with them as much as I can as well.  I can't live life and handle all this shit if I shut out my friends.  They understand my schedule, I understand theirs.  Most of them are just as busy as I am, but we still try our best to AT THE VERY LEAST keep in touch as often as possible.  NEVER ONCE have I said "I'm too busy to talk to you."  I LOVE talking to my friends during the week, which is probably mainly why I have friends...cuz I keep in touch and they know I think about them often.  I mean, even if it's JUST on twitter or facebook or something dumb.  I can take a minute to say hi.

Conveniently, I do live with my mom, dad, and brother, I live across the street from my gramma, and I live down the road from my baby cousin who is one of my best friends.  It's weird that regardless of this fact, I barely see any of them.  I see my mom and dad most nights, dad not as much because he is in bed by 9 every night.  I spend as much time as I can with my mom as well- Wednesday and Sunday nights we watch our shows together.  I wander my way to my gramma's house on Sunday nights for scrabble night with her and my mom.  I get to spend Thursday nights watching Parks and Rec and The Office with my brother...since that's pretty much the only time he isnt studying for his PT boards test, and pretty much the only time i get to see him for more than 5 mins.  I take any extra free time I have to go to my cousin's salon to get my hair done just so I can spend some time with her. 

As for eating healthy, yeah my mom cooks most nights, but breakfast, lunch, and snacks are on me.  When I lived in Toledo on my own, I was in charge of buying my own damn groceries and making my own damn dinners.  So yeah, I'm capable of that too.  I eat well, I choose healthy foods, I make good choices...and sometimes I eat some damn chocolate...so what?!   

Lets sum that up and make that less confusing for those of you whose brains just exploded:

M: internship 8am-12pm, lift, shower, VASJ 2:30-6, comps study group 7:30-?
T: PT clinic 8-12, VASJ 2:30-4:30, class 5-9
W: lift, shower, Therapy 1-2, VASJ 2:30-6 (we often have bball on Weds so sometimes 9:30) Modern Fam with my mom and dad at 9:30
R:  PT clinic 8-12 (1 oclock twice a month), run, shower,VASJ 2:30-6 (games usually this night so 9pm sometimes)...if no games, brother/sister time
F: meetings 6:30-7:30, internship 8-12, lift, shower, VASJ 2:30-6 (games til 9:30 or so)
S: lift, shower, VASJ 5-9:30ish
S: internship 9-1, cardio, shower, scrabble night at grams

So uhhh...yeah...whats your excuse for not working out?  Whats your excuse for not having time for your friends?  Whats your excuse for not spending time with your family??  Whats your excuse for not eating right??

Take a piece of paper and a pen, and write down all your excuses for the above.  I'll wait..........................

Good, now take that piece of paper, and throw it away.  Your excuses are garbage, and no one wants to hear them.

Have a nice day, and do something.

This is Not Your Year

2011...

Definitely a year of growth and change for me.  I can't say I'm sad to see it go, and I can say with all honesty this was the roughest year of my life thus far.   It started off poorly, and ended poorly as well.   I can't say I remember everything that has happened (my memory blows), but I remember most.  I want to throw some of these random memories out there so I can leave them behind and move on. 

We rang in the New Year last year at Boo's cousin's house.  We drank our asses off and had a wonderful night.  It was my second year celebrating the New Year with my best friend....this year will be the 3rd, and definitely not the last.  I've written about her a few times and I really dont need to repeat myself, but our relationship has really grown this year.  We spent a few months apart, but we found each other again, and we will, from now on, be inseparable.  My best friend, my sister, was diagnosed with brain cancer this year, but in the years to follow, we're gonna beat that.  We're a united front and nothing can stop us. 

I added a few scars to my body, shed some pounds due to anorexia, and lost a part of myself. I started therapy this year in March. It's a mixed bag I suppose...on one hand I have a therapist that I can vent to and that can give me advice and stimulate my brain.  On the other hand, I have to wake up and take a pill every morning to control my mood.  I will continue on with therapy and whatnot, and see where it takes me in life.

I had a couple terrible break ups this year.  I keep in touch with the guys that had a pretty positive effect on my life.  There are a few that I will never speak to again, and that I regret being with, but it's all part of the learning process I suppose.  I feel like I lost a part of myself this summer as I was pretty much using my single relationship status in the wrong way.  I've learned to be more picky and take my time if I do decide to date again. As a friend told me last night, "all we have is time."  I'm honestly not sure that I will put my heart out there again, and I have lost a TON of hope and trust as a result of some of these break ups.  Who knows, maybe one day someone will be able to sweep me off my feet again...

I lost my Great Aunt Mary and Great Uncle Will this year, one within a month of the other.  They lived a long and happy life together, and it was clear that one could not live without the other simply because they were literally eachother's everything.  This did give me hope that love can in fact last a life time.  They were together their whole lives, and will continue to be together in the afterlife.  Their deaths enabled me to finally visit my Grampa Maher's grave site.  My aunt and uncle were buried within feet of my grampa...which we were unaware of...So it was actually a very touching experience. 

The positives of 2011 that I will not be leaving in the past: 

The new friends I've made

Friendships that have become stronger

The sweet concerts I went to

Family that I have become closer to

Powerlifting and long runs

My crazy hair styles and colors- special shoutout to my little cousin for this one <3

My new tattoos and piercings

My amazing job: my switch to a new PT clinic, and the opportunity to work with people who challenge my knowledge and help me learn how to become better at what I do.  My VASJ kids, who mean the absolute world to me.  

My opportunity to continue my education in the graduate program at CSU. 

It always helps to end with the positive...makes me think that maybe 2011 wasnt THAT awful.

A new year is about to start, which means I am putting an end to this chapter and starting a new one.  Chapter 24 in my life, Chapter 2012...  Have a happy and safe New Year everyone!  Leave the past in the past, and celebrate...there is no greater time than right now, and tomorrow never exists.

So here's to you 2011.  Cheers.

 Much love

Bittersweet

Today, my brother and his girlfriend graduated from PT school.  My big brother was recognized for the first time in front of a crown of thousands as Dr. John Campolieti.  The girl he loves was recognized for the first time in front of that same crowd as Dr. Lindsay Sellers.  Everything they have worked for has finally paid off.  Nine years of grade school, four years of high school, four years of undergraduate, and three long years of PT school, and he's all done.  Words cannot express the joy and pride I felt in my heart today when I got to see MY brother receive his doctoral hood and his diploma.  Today was a good day.

This morning during the ceremony, one of my good friends and I reconciled and apologized to one another and came to an understanding.  The past couple of days, it was sure that we would no longer be friends.  My heart was filled with happiness.  Today was a good day.

Tonight, I got to go to dinner with my family and Lindsay's family at a wonderful restaurant.  I got to buy my parents, brother, and Lindsay a drink at the bar.  I got to spend time with the family of the girl that my brother loves.  Our families shared stories and laughs.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, my boyfriend dumped me via text message out of the blue.  He said he had too much to deal with.  The last time I spoke to him he told me how much he loved me and how he wanted so bad for us to work.  He said he wouldn't leave me through the rough times like my last boyfriend did.  Last night I told him how much he meant to me and how much I miss and love him.  He never answered me until this morning when he said "leave me alone." He dumped me while I was at dinner with our families. My family already insists that my relationships are jokes.  They basically laugh at me when I say I met someone anymore.  Last week, my grandma told my cousin that she probably will never meet my most recent boyfriend because he'll be gone before we know it.  Tonight she said at the dinner table that I go through guys like crazy.  Unfortunately, Gram, it's the guys that go through me so quickly. Tonight was a bad night.

Tonight, I was so shocked, overwhelmed, alone, and sad, that I had to take pills to calm me down.  Tonight was a bad night.

Tonight, I called on my best friend to talk me through yet another break-up even though she has more serious problems going on.  My best friend has cancer, and she took the time out of her night to turn my tears into laughter in a matter of seconds.  She put aside her much more serious problems to help her friend, whose problem is so small and irrelevant.  She has to deal with me like this constantly.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, I had just stopped crying in time to catch the very end of one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption.  I caught it just in time to hear the quote that I have tattood on my leg.  "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, a couple of my closest friends (one being an ex that I have recently become friends with), and my big cousin saw my relationship status had changed on facebook, and took time out of their lives to text me to make sure I was okay, that I could always talk to them about anything at any time of any day.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, I get to spend time with my brother just watching tv.  We probably will hardly talk to each other, but he's home, he's here, he's my big brother...and he's moving up in the world.  Sooner or later I wont be able to have a night like this.  Tonight is a good night.

Tomorrow...well tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will deal with it when it gets here. 

Let Go, Babydoll

This blog is about what happened to me exactly four years (I'm roughly 24 hours early on this one).  Maybe no one will really understand it, but I need to get it out there because it's been weighing heavily on my mind since last night.  I didnt even realize the date until I layed down in my bed...and I ended up crying myself to sleep, thinking how life could have been, and how 4 years ago changed everything. 

**Flashback to 4 years ago**

It's Friday, the last day of finals.  Time for Christmas break!  I was considering going home that day, until one of my classmates decided to throw a party at her house.  My roomie and I decided we'd think about going...we already had made plans to go to BDubbs with my brother and his friends to celebrate the end of the semester.  So we did that and decided what the hell...let's go to her house and have a good time.  Little did I know, that was the night that would change my life for a long time coming.  I looked like mismatched crap.  Brown slip on shoes (the knock off Ugg kind), ripped jeans, black tanktop under a bright blue hoodie, dark hair, barely any makeup.  I remember not giving much of a shit to be honest.  The one thing I remember is staring across the room and meeting his bright blue eyes and shy smile.  He was wearing skater shoes, jeans, a gray half zip up hoodie with no undershirt, and a black skullcap.  I swear I met his eyes for maybe a second...but i knew i had to know him.  So me, being the overbearingly outspoken girl that I am, decided to yell WHOS PLAYING THUNDERSTRUCK?!  I egged him and his friends on to come down to the basement with us to play, and they did.  We all played, laughed, danced...and it was fun.  I asked for his number, to see if maybe he would wanna come dancing with us sometime.  I remember spelling his incredibly simple name wrong in my phone.  A couple minutes later, he said he had to leave, and that was it for then.  

A couple weeks later, after almost getting killed in a snowy car crash, I took a chance and texted him.  Over break we NEVER stopped talking...pretty much every night until 4am we spent the night on AIM (I'm dating myself here) getting to know eachother.  We had EVERYTHING in common. I decided to come back from break a day early with my roomie to have him and his best friend over for movies and drinks.  That night was our first kiss.  I was drunk, yes.  Oops...but I'll never forget it.  As a matter of fact, I was his first kiss, period.  From then on, we were almost inseparable.

I cant really sum up the next 4 years into words really.  Most of you know who I'm talking about, most of you have been there for the ride along side me, most of you know the stories.  We were on and off for about 3 years.  Through everything, he's always been there for me -as a friend, as a boyfriend, as a family member.  Three Christmases together, 3 Easters, 3 New Years, 3 Thanksgivings, 3 trips to Canada, a trip to Chicago, 2 trips to Traverse City, countless family get-togethers, amazing concerts, living together, working out together, losing weight together, him saving my life many times, fights, seeing other people, me moving 2 hours away, etc.  It's been 4 long and unforgettable years.

My room is filled with his drawings and paintings, the music I have is pretty much all his, I have 3 rings from him that I wear every single day, my bed has a few stuffed animals from him, he has 2 of mine, i even have a pair of his boxers, the laptop with which I am typing on is from him, our "Triangle Force" stones, presents from his parents, etc.  Basically, my every day life is full of him.  I can't bare to remove anything.

Even though we have different lives now, I still have a hard time thinking that him and I will not end up together.  That has always been my plan since we started dating, to be with him my whole life.  I will admit that I had screwed up our relationship over and over and over again...due to fear, due to depression, due to selfishness.  It was always me that messed up.  I regret it, yes, but it's part of life.  It's something that will probably always weight heavy in my heart. 

This blog is about regrets, acceptance of hardships, and the struggle to move on.  This is incredibly painful for me to write.  This is something we all will go through.  This is one of those shitty parts of life.  Nothing much else I can say. 

I will leave you with one quote.  For Christmas last year, I asked him to make me a picture of a Pooh Bear quote (because he always called me Pooh Bear).  As I opened up this gift last Christmas and read it, I had to put it down because I did not want to cry infront of my family.  It is possibly the most meaningful gift I ever have and ever will receive.  I keep it on my nightstand, and read it almost every night before I go to bed, and it never fails to make me cry.  He said he picked this quote because he wanted me to always feel safe:

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,  and smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."  --Winnie the Pooh

We Were Never Meant to Worry...

...The Way That People Do.

So I haven't written for a while now...It's been a crazy busy couple of weeks.  Tonight I actually have some free time to write, and a pretty damn good reason to do so.  

As some of you have read, I have a friend, "Boo," who has been struggling with some medical issues.  I haven't really kept anyone updated about it, but she has been diagnosed with a slow growing brain tumor.  They don't know what it is exactly, but according to the doc, it's something that is manageable.

Tomorrow is a big day for her. She is having her biopsy done in the afternoon.  So before I continue on, make sure you keep her in your thoughts/prayers, regardless of your religious beliefs or whatnot.  Just do her and her family that favor.  

Since she's been going through this, I feel completely helpless.  I'm used to being able to help fix her problems, but this is one thing I have no control over.  As her best friend/sister, I want to be able to take this off of her shoulders, but I have quickly learned that the most I can do is be there for her as much as possible.  I know I am not PHYSICALLY going through what she is going through, but I feel like MENTALLY I am right there with her.  I feel her fear, sadness, confusion, frustration, etc, every single day.  I recently told her that although I've been very happy lately, I cannot be 100% happy knowing that this is happening.  This whole situation is in the foreground of my thoughts constantly.

As I said, as her best friend, all I can do is be there to support her and do whatever it is that she needs me to do, whether it's take her out, play a stupid board game with her, text her, call her...whatevs.  So tomorrow I have decided that I need to be there for her at the hospital before she goes into surgery.  I have 2 basketball games to work tomorrow night, but I am going to stay at the hospital with her family as long as possible.  I just want to hold her hand for a second, hug her, and tell her I love her before this procedure starts...as well as give her an awesome good luck charm which will make her day.  If that's all I can do, then so be it.  I mean, I would totally do the surgery myself but I don't want her ending up dead...so yeah, that's about all I can do.

Something I have been struggling to do is keep my composure and keep my fears to myself around her.  I believe her and I had this conversation already.  If I can't be strong for her, how can she be strong for herself?  Yes, I'm worried, I'm scared, I cry about it, but that's not something she needs to listen to.  Whenever I talk to her, I act as strong and fearless as possible.  In the back of my mind, I have no doubt that everything will end up okay, so that really helps.   We all tend to think the worst at times like this, and that's okay, but it's not how any of us should think.  No one knows what's going to happen in the future anyways, so while we wait, we have to enjoy the here and now.  "Live for Today," as mine and Boo's tattoos say.  All I can do is be hopeful and have faith that everything really will turn out okay.

She's my best friend, and has been since we started hanging out.  I could not live a day without her.  She will be standing next to me at my wedding, she will be an aunt to my kids, and we'll grow old together and throw our dentures at each other when we're geriatric patients in a nursing home (hopefully at Millionaire Estates, where the Life chips are plentiful). 

Boo, if you're reading this, remember that you won at the game of Life, so obviously that shows you that you'll get through this with ease. I love you, I need you in my life always, and I'm so thankful to have a friend like you.  All of our mutual friends care about you so much and love you dearly (not as much as I, of course).  And the people in the future that will meet you will be lucky that you have graced their presence. 

We will get through this together...magic fingazzzz and all.  

<3