...So say goodbye to love, and hold your head up high.
It's so easy to blame all your problems and mistakes on other people. Makes you feel like less of a screw up for a while, because in that moment, it's "not your fault."
The last thing I tweeted before I went out last night was "You go respect yourself, and I'll go have fun." I knew exactly what I was doing. I had a plan in mind. But guess what...if you don't respect yourself, don't expect other people to respect you. Especially you ladies...don't hang yourself like a piece of meat so guys can attack you like hungry lions. A lot of times, things wouldn't turn out that bad, but last night I put myself in a pretty bad position and I payed for it. I won't go into detail but I got what I had coming to me.
I tried to blame it on my ex for leaving me with a void that I feel the need to fill. I'm not sure I remember the whole conversation that I had with him, but I get the jist of what I said. The key take home point it, when you screw up, it's your fault, and no one wants to hear about the problems that you cause yourself.
Slight change of subject. I was told a few things that I don't exactly like. A) I was told to "live and learn" after I told my ex I shouldnt have let him break down my wall, and B) I was told that I was miserable before I met "him," by "him." I gotta say I disagree with both statements whole heartedly. I mean honestly, the way it was presented to me was, well, painful. It seems to me now that he only wanted to be with me so he could teach me a lesson. Well, lesson learned!
So let's break points A and B down shall we?
First off, I believed a while ago that I had lived and learned not to be stupid and fall in love. My therapist even reminded me basically not to be stupid and to keep my guard up after my LAST breakup. So I learned to keep my guard up, keep everyone at an arms distance, and taught myself how to keep from getting my heart broken again. Over the summer, (and I'm sure this sounds awful to some people), I was the heart breaker, not the heart broken. I used guys, I never let them have the chance to use me. I ignored guys that approached me, and contacted them when I felt like it. I had people at my beck and call, and I can't lie to you, it felt pretty good. The summer/ start of fall was pretty good for me. I actually even started seeing someone, knowing that he would treat me like shit, and knowing that it wouldn't be going anywhere, but I honestly didnt give a shit, and I never let the words he said hurt me. I just did what I wanted and got what I wanted and I felt very powerful and I felt like a badass. So point B really didn't apply to me whatsoever, because my life was actually pretty sweet. I mean if I was miserable then, I'd welcome misery with open hands right now. If that was miserable, I'm not exactly sure that there is a word bad enough to describe how I am presently.
The first thing "he" said he noticed about me was my "I don't give a shit" attitude. Guys LOVE that, they crave it, and as soon as you start caring, they lose interest. I regret not sticking with that attitude because I had I worked hard to achieve it. I feel like I should have just played with his heart just like I did to the guys over the summer, and in all honesty that was my first intention with "him" until I got to know "him." It was easy for me to walk away from him one night, but "he" said "I finally found the girl I wanna spend my life with and you're gonna just take that away?" That stopped me dead in my tracks when I knew I should have just kept walking. I ignored my brain, and listened to my heart. But obviously I didn't stick with point A, because I did know better, I just chose to think that this time it would be different. The only advice I can really offer is don't think with your heart. Your heart is so naive and foolish, and it'll pretty much always steer you wrong. Listen to your BRAIN, people. When your mind hints something at you, don't ignore it.
So I've decided to work again on achieving that same "I dont give a shit" attitude. Honestly, it is going to be a HUGE struggle to get back to that because of the amount of love that I did feel for "him" and how happy I was when I was with "him," but I liked the way I was before I met "him." Letting someone break down your wall always leads to heart ache. So I'm done with heart ache, I'm done with love, I'm done with trying. I honestly could care less if I stay single the rest of my life. I'll go back to being "miserable" just like I was before I met "him." As I said before, I'll take that kinda "misery" over what I am currently feeling.
Here's a few things to think about: If you don't give a shit about anything, you have no feelings. If you have no feelings, no one can smash them. If you don't love, no one can damage your heart. If you don't have a heart, no one can break it.
Most of you may disagree with me, but this time I have truly "lived and learned." Thanks for the life lesson bud.
If living and learning means to build walls and shelter yourself from allowing anyone to hurt you, you risk not allowing those few who actually have the capacity to truely love you. I do agree that you have to be careful, but that should be based on your personal values and your self esteem to know who is good for you and who isn't compatible (see what I did there?). When a person breaks down our walls, its actually usually us lowering our defenses because we're willing to take the risk, only to find we've mis-judged, and now we're left with resentment. That truly "right one"... the one you are really wishing would come, will be the one to challenge all of your walls, barriers and defenses, and will actually work along side you to break them down mutually. So don't be completely jaded. Broken hearts and love are like money and tattoos. You gotta invest a little of the temporary things to get the permanent goods.
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