What is Campo Thankful for??

Good morning everyone!  It is a BEAUTIFUL day here in Cleveland.  The sun is up, it's not super cold, and it's one of my favorite holidays!  I already made a couple pumpkin pies with my mom, so as they sit in the oven and bake, I'd like to take a few and reflect upon what I am thankful for today.

My Family

Without my fam, I'd be nowhere.  I am blessed with one of the best families on this earth.  They're there for me constantly, pushing me to be my best, supporting me, and feeding me (thanks Ma).  I mean, today I got to run downstairs, hug my mom, and make pies with her, just like every single year in the past.  I am beyond thankful for that little moment.  Anyways, I've already made a giant blog about them, and I'm sure you've read it from start to finish, so refer to "Scattered Blacks and Whites" for a continuation of this paragraph.

My Friends

I surround myself with the best group of people.  I've got a wide variety of friends- crazy, hilarious, supportive, loud, driven, wise, fun.  I've got friends just like me and I've got friends who aren't anything like me at all.  I'm thankful for all the friends I've had in the past, even the ones that I've lost touch with, because they were all part of who I was and who I have become.  I have the type of friends that would drop anything they're doing just to spend some time with me, and they also know that they can lean on me for whatever they need.  Friendships need to be reciprocated, ya know?  I'd also like to make a special shoutout to the ones that have been there for me holding me up for the past month or so and through all the rough times I've had in the past.  These are my go-to's-  Panda, Boo, K, DDR, Machine, Check, Strunz, Karms...Thank you guys so much for always being there, whether it's in person, via text, phone, twitter, what have you, you have kept me going.  

My Job/Education

I have to give a shoutout to the Cleveland Clinic for providing me with this amazing opportunity. I love my job like crazy.  I love my kids, I love my patients, I love having the opportunity to help people and change their lives.  It gives me this amazing sense of pride that I was part of something huge.  Not many people at the age of 23 have a steady career, a college degree, or the opportunity to have their Master's degree by the age of 24.  I have that, and I don't take it for granted.  I am VERY thankful for my kids as well, I have to give them a shoutout.  You guys are the light of my life.  I love being by your sides and working for and with you every day. All I can do is smile when I walk into VASJ, knowing that I get to see your wonderful smiling faces ;)  All of you kids have the potential to do something great in this world, never forget that, and DONT FORGET YOUR AWESOME ATHLETIC TRAINER!!!!  Not only is it the kids that I am thankful for, it's the whole VASJ family.  The staff, parents, fans...You guys have welcomed me with open arms and made me part of this awesome family and I am proud to be a Viking!

My Depression

Yep, I am thankful for this nasty demon I was given.  I am thankful for what it has taught me about myself.  I am thankful that I was strong enough to get help. I am thankful that I am fighting it like a beast.  I am thankful that I have been given the opportunity to help and support other people that are going through the same thing.  I am thankful that this depression has taught me that I can lean on people, and that I actually have amazing people that I CAN lean on.  

My Boyfriend

Yep I am dating again lol.  Scary how I swore off dating after the last disaster, but I am thankful that I grew a pair and was able to take a crazy chance.  How lame is it that I looked across the room, saw him, wrote my name and number on my receipt, gave it to him, then quickly walked away?!  Yep, that's what I did, and that's where it started- he loved it, and i looked like a total nerd.  He has taught me that I deserve someone who UNDERSTANDS me, who will SUPPORT me no matter what's going on, someone I can be absolutely goofy with and be MYSELF with, someone that'll do stupid shit just to see me smile, someone that my friends, family, and kids actually approve of and get along with, someone patient.  I'm still scared, but as one of my best friends said "If he's making you smile, something has to be right."  I am thankful that being with him has given me the power to leave the past in the past, and  to let myself be happy.  

There are many other things I am thankful for on a daily basis, but today, these are the ones that I am especially thankful for.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  Make sure you take some time to think about what you have in this life to be thankful for.  If nothing else, be thankful that you are alive- that's the greatest gift of all.

Love to you and your families.  Enjoy the day!

A Letter From My Best Friend

I must admit today was not the best day in the world for me.  This morning I learned that one of my closest friends/ex bf is dating again.  I know it sounds selfish but I was upset to learn about it, although I will support him and I am happy for him.  It is hard to see someone you were in love with for so long with someone else, but I learned that if you TRULY care, you want nothing more than to see that person happy.  He's been there and supported me through everything that has happened in the past 4 years, and now it's time for me to get my head out of my ass and return the favor.  He will always be an amazing friend and part of my family, as he has been for years.  I love you (you know who you are).

Also, I spoke with my boo today (no names), and she has been having some medical problems that have been worrying the shit out of me.  She's having all sorts of tests done on Saturday and I am scared for her and I'm worried, although I'm sure it'll all be okay.  I would not be able to live without this girl...that's all I was thinking tonight, and then, as I was laying on my couch about to take a nap she sent me an attachment via a facebook message. 

Tessa-

I feel a little weird and lame writing you a note-letter(? Haha) but I feel like I want you to know how I really feel about everything and I think it might be easier for me to express it if I write it down.  Obviously, you know that I love you and I care about how you’re feeling but I don’t think I can say it enough so I wanted to share it with you in a way it could be heard over and over.

Ever since we started hanging out…in like, 2009 (haha….so loonnng) I have been able to tell you stuff about me that very few people know.  We learned early that we have a lot in common and we can relate to one another on many levels.  We both try to appear confident and like we don’t need help, but inside we both struggle to hold it together on the outside.  When I found out who you are on the inside it only made me appreciate your friendship even more. 

You were the person that showed me that I should say what I’m thinking and take chances because then I won’t have regrets.  You encouraged me to do things I was on the fence about and fully supported me when I took steps to do them.   You showed me how to be me and for that, I’m thankful. 

You have always been there for me when I needed you the most.  You were the one to show me how to have fun again after getting out of a 4 year relationship, for that alone you deserve an award (but don’t count on actually getting one J).   

When we went a couple months without talking and then my life got really overwhelming, you were the first and only person I called.  You are always there to tell me the truth even if it isn’t something I want to hear and I couldn’t appreciate it more.  You are the best friend I have probably ever had and I can count on you and trust you more than my own sister. 

So after all this it hurts me to see you in so much pain, probably because there is nothing I can do to take it away, like you did mine (mostly).  I miss the happy go lucky Tess that I had as my partner in crime at the beginning of this year.  I know that will come back but it will take time.  While we are waiting I will be standing by you in everything you do.  I will be there to support you no matter what the reason or endeavor.  I know there have been times in the past when I wasn’t as supportive as I could have been (certain relationships), and I have always regretted not being there to support you when you were doing what made you happy.  Ever since then I have made a promise to myself that I would support you, because after all, I just want you to be smiling and loving your life. 

When we met for coffee a couple weeks ago at Starbucks and you told me you have tried to commit suicide and things were getting really bad I started crying (one of the several times I have cried in public while talking to you….it’s kinda my thing).  And to be honest, I think it was out of selfishness.  I honestly don’t know what I would do without you in my life.  You mean the world to me and are part of the reason I am Me.  You are one of the best people I know in this world.  You are; hardworking, gorgeous, outspoken, funny, outgoing, sarcastic, warm-hearted, professional, intelligent (need I go on….?).  You are you, and anyone who doesn’t love you is crazy.  I have no doubt you will be happy and in-love again soon....because if anyone deserves it, it’s you.  And until then, and forever, I will be here for you encouraging you to do what you love and supporting you in everything you do.  Like I have said before, any time any day, if you need me you can call.  Because I want you to know, I will do whatever I can to make you feel better.  I love you Tess, and I always will.  You’re my best friend and my sister <3

Words cannot describe the emotion that overcame me when I read this letter.  I can't stop crying- mostly happy tears, but some sad- sad because she's right...I havent been the happy go lucky partner in crime that I used to be. This girl is my best friend, my sister, and my soul mate (even though we arent gay...sometimes).  Meeting her was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  We've been through so much crazy, hilarious, drunk, bad shit together, and even went through a couple months of no communication, but here we are...just like always, making eachother laugh and cry.  Nothing can break this friendship, its very obvious that this is legit.  So we're probably going to get married.  

I needed to share this with everyone, not to brag about how my friends are better than yours ;) but so maybe you can realize how much your friends mean to you, how much they have a baring on your life, and how far they would go just to make you smile.  Maybe you havent been the best friend ever, and maybe you should start writing a letter or making a phone call- anything to let your friends know that you care.  You have no idea how much something like this can turn your life or someone else's life around. 

I am forever grateful for the amazing friends that I have in my life.  

Pinks + Scoots = Jam and Toast (one person will understand this, the rest of you can back OFF)

<3

A Coma Might Feel Better Than This...

...So say goodbye to love, and hold your head up high.

It's so easy to blame all your problems and mistakes on other people.  Makes you feel like less of a screw up for a while, because in that moment, it's "not your fault." 

The last thing I tweeted before I went out last night was "You go respect yourself, and I'll go have fun."  I knew exactly what I was doing.  I had a plan in mind.  But guess what...if you don't respect yourself, don't expect other people to respect you.  Especially you ladies...don't hang yourself like a piece of meat so guys can attack you like hungry lions.  A lot of times, things wouldn't turn out that bad, but last night I put myself in a pretty bad position and I payed for it.  I won't go into detail but I got what I had coming to me.  

I tried to blame it on my ex for leaving me with a void that I feel the need to fill.  I'm not sure I remember the whole conversation that I had with him, but I get the jist of what I said.  The key take home point it, when you screw up, it's your fault, and no one wants to hear about the problems that you cause yourself.

Slight change of subject.  I was told a few things that I don't exactly like.  A) I was told to "live and learn" after I told my ex I shouldnt have let him break down my wall,  and B) I was told that I was miserable before I met "him," by "him."  I gotta say I disagree with both statements whole heartedly.  I mean honestly, the way it was presented to me was, well, painful.  It seems to me now that he only wanted to be with me so he could teach me a lesson.  Well, lesson learned!  

So let's break points A and B down shall we?

First off, I believed a while ago that I had lived and learned not to be stupid and fall in love.  My therapist even reminded me basically not to be stupid and to keep my guard up after my LAST breakup.  So I learned to keep my guard up, keep everyone at an arms distance, and taught myself how to keep from getting my heart broken again.  Over the summer, (and I'm sure this sounds awful to some people), I was the heart breaker, not the heart broken.  I used guys, I never let them have the chance to use me.  I ignored guys that approached me, and contacted them when I felt like it.  I had people at my beck and call, and I can't lie to you, it felt pretty good.  The summer/ start of fall was pretty good for me.  I actually even started seeing someone, knowing that he would treat me like shit, and knowing that it wouldn't be going anywhere, but I honestly didnt give a shit, and I never let the words he said hurt me.  I just did what I wanted and got what I wanted and I felt very powerful and I felt like a badass.  So point B really didn't apply to me whatsoever, because my life was actually pretty sweet.  I mean if I was miserable then, I'd welcome misery with open hands right now.  If that was miserable, I'm not exactly sure that there is a word bad enough to describe how I am presently. 

The first thing "he" said he noticed about me was my "I don't give a shit" attitude.  Guys LOVE that, they crave it, and as soon as you start caring, they lose interest.  I regret not sticking with that attitude because I had I worked hard to achieve it.  I feel like I should have just played with his heart just like I did to the guys over the summer, and in all honesty that was my first intention with "him" until I got to know "him."  It was easy for me to walk away from him one night, but "he" said "I finally found the girl I wanna spend my life with and you're gonna just take that away?"  That stopped me dead in my tracks when I knew I should have just kept walking.  I ignored my brain, and listened to my heart.  But obviously I didn't stick with point A, because I did know better, I just chose to think that this time it would be different.  The only advice I can really offer is don't think with your heart.  Your heart is so naive and foolish, and it'll pretty much always steer you wrong.  Listen to your BRAIN, people.  When your mind hints something at you, don't ignore it. 

So I've decided to work again on achieving that same "I dont give a shit" attitude. Honestly, it is going to be a HUGE struggle to get back to that because of the amount of love that I did feel for "him" and how happy I was when I was with "him," but I liked the way I was before I met "him."  Letting someone break down your wall always leads to heart ache.  So I'm done with heart ache, I'm done with love, I'm done with trying.  I honestly could care less if I stay single the rest of my life.  I'll go back to being "miserable" just like I was before I met "him."  As I said before, I'll take that kinda "misery" over what I am currently feeling.

Here's a few things to think about:  If you don't give a shit about anything, you have no feelings. If you have no feelings, no one can smash them. If you don't love, no one can damage your heart. If you don't have a heart, no one can break it.

Most of you may disagree with me, but this time I have truly "lived and learned."  Thanks for the life lesson bud. 

***I would like to add a disclaimer:  This is me purely venting out of anger, and I'm not sure how much of it I actually mean, but it feels good to get it all out there.  I guess we'll see where life takes me now.

Walking With a Ghost

I'm an avid fan of Ghost Hunters, I will admit that right off the bat.

Do I believe in ghosts? I've had plenty of my own experiences to say yes.  Do I believe in what goes on on the TV shows?  Sometimes.  Some of the stuff that happens I believe have explanations, which is why i choose to watch Ghost Hunters- usually they debunk the majority of what goes on around them, as opposed to the guys on Ghost Adventures, who go into old buildings, MF and yell at the entities that may still reside there, and believe that every single noise they hear is a ghost.  I am a true believe of respecting spirits/ghosts/what have you.  Whether you believe in them or not, think about walking into someone's home and how you would usually act.  You treat that person with respect because you are entering into THEIR place, right?  I believe the same should go for the dead.  You are walking into their place of  residence, usually somewhere that they have ties to- their old house, their hospital room (be it a sanitarium, mental hospital, etc.), their jail cell, what have you.  Understand what I'm going for here?  Respect.  

Anyways...

As I've said before, my Gramma Campo lived with us until she passed away when I was 10 years old.  Her and I were extremely close.  Fast forward to the present time, and I will say with 300% confidence that I have felt her presence, felt her hand on my shoulder, felt her comfort me in times of need.  There's a few stories that I feel like sharing tonight, especially because one of the experiences JUST happened to me a few minutes ago.

One of the weirder moments I experienced last year- You kinda have to understand how John and I keep the upstairs.  We have a lamp, and a ceiling light.  The switches on our walls turn on the ceiling light, and the lamp is old as sin, used to be Grambo's (keep in mind the lamp is located underneath Grambo and Grampa's wedding picture), and it needs to be turned on by turning one of those old crank thingies, which I might add is hard to turn.  I always go to bed after John.  When he walks into his room and shuts his door, its lights off upstairs.  I usually watch TV for a bit then head to my room shut the door, and pass out with music playing.  So this one particular night, I had to get up to pee at 3am.  When I woke up, I looked at my door and noticed that it was illuminated, like the light in my living room had been turned on.  So before I opened the door I'm thinking "Okay, John got up to use the bathroom or something and forgot to turn the light back off."  But I opened my door and saw that the LAMP was on...NO ONE EVER uses that lamp, and it's nowhere near the bathroom.  I didnt really think a thing of it, turned the lamp off, smiled at their picture, peed, and went back to bed.  The next morning I asked John if he had turned on the lamp for some reason.  He looked at me weird and said no.  So I'm thinking maybe mom or dad came upstairs in the middle of the night for one reason or another.  Talked to both of them- it wasnt either of them.  Weird, right?  Coincidence?  I dont think so.  I think it was Grambo poppin in to say hi in the middle of the night.

We all know Ive had a rough couple of weeks, which I'm still not recovering from as well as I'd like.  I got home from a 10 hour conference today, feeling kinda down, my ribs and back are sore from my neck issues from the other day, my house is empty, I hate it, blah blah blah.  Im thinkin I'll take a nice long hot shower.  So I throw my pj's into the bathroom by the sink like I always do.  I get out of the shower, and there, laying face up, is the Prayer of St. Francis that my Gram had put up in the bathroom a long time ago.  (No, I dont believe in god or praying, but I've never had the heart to take her stuff down).  The prayer that she put up was nailed to the wall, and on the wall adjacent and far away from my pajamas.  I look at the wall thinking the nail fell down or something.  No- the nail was still in the wall nice and tight.  So how did this block of wood go from that wall, and travel down and across the room to lay perfectly on my PJs??  Hmmm...

I've got this "ghost app" on my iPod.  For all of those who dont know it, google it, it's actually kind of cool.  I sat down in the middle of my living room and leaned against my Gram's couch, and turned the ghost app on.  I started talking...feeling a little weird, but why the heck not try?  I say "Hey Grambo, its me, I need you."  The ghost app suddenly reads out "available".  Weird...So I say, "Can we try to talk?"  It answers "Conversation."  So I'm convinced.  I shut the app off and started talking to her, just saying things.  I can totally feel her presence. I moved into my brothers room (which is my Gram's old room), turned on the app and said "Remember when I used to come in here during the day and you'd sneak me candy?  I miss that..."  And the app read out "miss."  ...I dont really need to say more, but my Gram was there with me.

I bet most of you dont believe any of this is real, I bet you're all judging and thinking I'm crazy, saying ghosts dont exist...whatever.  That's hard enough evidence to convince me that she was here.  It's a comforting feeling, knowing that when I'm having a rough, extremely lonely night, she is here for me.  

I'm gonna type out something my momma wrote to me during my senior retreat in high school.  Our teachers asked our parents to write us letters for the retreat.  The teachers then read the letters out loud and made us guess which letter was about us.  This is what convinced me that this was MY letter...Believe me when I tell you as soon as I heard it, my arm hit the sky...and it's only the 2nd sentence in her letter:

"Gramma told me many times she wished she could be around to see the amazing person she knew you would become.  I'm sure that now she's watching over you and smiling because her prediction is coming true."

Reading this letter from mom always makes me cry, especially those words.  I cried as I was typing it (it actually took me a few tries to type it out because I could barely see), and I'm still crying because those words are so overwhelmingly true, and they make me miss my Grambo so much...

...But mom was right, she's here watching over me, and she always will be.  Call me what you will, but I take comfort in knowing that I never have to be alone, even when I'm alone.  

<3

Struck Brightly by the Winter...

...When the snow falls thick and silent, I can only hear you breathing.

I'll make this one short...I have meetings from 7 -5 tomorrow and Saturday so I have to get to bed...

 

So I'm driving home from my buddy's house, totally dreading the weekend I have ahead of me, and suddenly the heavens open up and start pouring out this crazy beautiful white stuff called snow.  So I started laughing...I dont remember the last time I smiled THAT big, and then I started to cry (happy tears guys, happy tears).  I became overwhelmed by the beauty of it all, and it overtook my emotions...or maybe I'm just a hormonal woman. 

Snow evokes crazy emotions in most people.  You either love it or you hate it...OR you love it for a week and then you hate it.  I get it...being frozen isnt the most fun thing in the world, but think of all the good that comes from snowfalls- I mean the first thing I think of is Christmas, one of my favorite holidays. I think of getting a tree and decorating it with my family while listening to Christmas records.  I think of 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS.  I think of The Airing of Grievances (Campo Christmas Eve), and openings presents the next morning with my family. I think of watching Christmas movies wrapped up in a blanket with hot chocolate and snuggled up to someone I love. I think about turning off all my lights at night and watching the big giant flakes of snow fall ever so gently onto the ground, lit up by the streetlights.  I think of snowmen and snowball fights.  I think of going to Brandywine with Check to snowboard (which reminds me I need to wax up the Zebbrah for this season).  I think of snowdays (lucky me, I work at a highschool and i DO get snowdays.  Im pretty sure I get more excited than my kids). I think about shoveling snow with my mom and us pushing eachother into the snow piles that we make.  I think about Thanksgiving and going to Canada that weekend with my family.  I think about New Years Eve with my friends, and the New Years Day Campo Chili Bowl.  I think and reflect upon the past year, and look forward to starting a new one.  

I could probably go on and on about what I feel when I see the first snow fall.  You probably get it- I like snow. Y'all probably think I'm nuts.  I've checked my twitter and facebook timelines and 95% of my people seem to be pretty displeased with the weather.  Get used to it guys, stop complaining.  The complaints arent gonna bring summer back, so just enjoy the change of the season.  Not everyone gets to experience all 4 seasons in their all out glory...accept it...it's here!   

Scattered Black and Whites

This one is dedicated to my amazing family.

Not everyone can say this with confidence, but I can honestly say I have been blessed with one of the most amazing families in the world.  This isn't just about my brother, mom, and dad, but about my WHOLE family.

Two things prompted me to write this one: A) my little cousin graffitied my car this week, and B) my mom totally made my favorite dinner in the world tonight.  Both things, although little, really made me realize how much my family means to me.

First off, I am a daddy's girl.  I have been my whole entire life.  Him and I are so alike in so many different ways.  We're both sarcastic and hilarious, have terrible attitudes, we love to rip it up in the gym, we have the same mannerisms, and we're both pretty slobby.  I enjoy nothing more than being able to sit with my father and have a nice cold beer, and just b.s. with him.  We never really have super in-depth conversations about life, but every time we speak, we make eachother laugh.  He never fails to tell me how proud of me he is, and never fails to support my dreams.  We have this new found connection in weight lifting now that I have begun to take it seriously.  My father is an avid weightlifter- he loves going to competitions to watch, and always reads up on the newest strength and conditioning articles.  He's very wise and educated, and is always ready to lend a helping hand in the gym.  I'll never forget the look of utter pride he had on his face when I was loading up my squat bar.  I had 165 pounds on it (I wasnt finished racking) and he asked "What are you gonna do with that?"  I said "Im gonna put more weight on, duh."  :)

My mom and I used to have a pretty rough relationship.  I would say this is mostly due to the fact that I was a teenage girl and she was my mother.  But during college, after I moved away, I realized that I had been taking her for granted.  I began to become very close to her not only as a parent, but as a friend.  I have been able to open up to her about personal stuff more recently.  I was never one to share my feelings with her because I know she worries about me a lot.  But that changed once I started therapy.  I think she began to realize that I'm not as hard assed as I act.  Dont get me wrong, her and I do tend to go at it every once in a while, but we always talk it out.  Her and I have a pretty damn good connection nowadays that most girls dont have with their mother.  We shop together often, we go out to lunch together when we can, we text eachother pretty much all day every day...Not to mention she's a badass in the gym just like my dad.  Her and I always play wrestle, and she always beats me.  I hate to admit it. 

Then there's the big bro bro.  Growing up with a big brother really was hard.  Probably more so on him than it was on me.  I always aspired to be like him (I was a really big tomboy growing up).  I always wanted to hang out with him and his friends and do guy stuff- you know, watch scary movies, play video games, play with action figures (I did not like barbies...barf).  When he moved away to go to college I would say our relationship improved.  I missed him a ton, and I was lonely at home often (him and I share the upstairs).  I took after him and went to University of Toledo as well to become an Athletic Trainer.  We hung out semi often for the year we both were in Toledo.  Now that we're both home again and still both in school (he's getting his doctorate in PT and I'm getting my Masters in Ex. Science), we live together again.  Time's can be tough, we argue with eachother semi often, but at the end of the day, he's my big brother and I love him.  Thursday nights are probably my favorite time of the week- him and I usually spend the evening watching our favorite TV shows, Community, Parks and Rec, and The Office.  It's always awesome to share a couple laughs with him.  We always have funny crap to talk about, which is great when I'm feeling down.  I swear he might be one of the few people on this earth that can make me laugh my ass off on a shitty day. 

My mom makes us homemade dinners pretty much every night of the week, and a nice big breakfast on Sunday mornings.  I spend as much time with the 3 of them as possible.  My mom, dad, and I have out little family nights on Wednesdays to watch Modern Family.  It's something little, but its something that we share, and I wouldnt give it up for the world.  And another thing I love is when my mom or dad throw their ipod on the speakers and we turn off the tv and just jam together.  We dance a little, we sing together...again, it's the little moments like that that really make me smile.

My Gramma Maher lives right across the street from me, which is an absolute blessing.  I cant even describe what an amazing woman she is.  I mean, shes 81 and she still works out.  She's in better shape than most of her grandkids, and I truly believe that she is the glue that holds this family together.  She jumps to do anything and everything for us all, and never asks for anything in return.  The least we can do is shovel her driveway or take in/out her garbage, but she doesnt even like when we do that for her!  Most of my friends do know her, and know what an amazing person she is.  She raised 5 kids pretty much single handedly after my Grampa Maher passed away at the age of 49.  She never remarried, and never needed help.  That's a real woman for ya.

Then there's the rest of my moms side- the Irish in me.  This side of the family is extremely close.  My aunts and uncles all live around the same area, and I am very close with all of my cousins.  I actually work with my oldest cousin at the PT clinic, and my youngest cousin is one of my best friends.  There's the boys- Phil, Matt, Phil, Joe, John, and Andy, Joe, Tony, and Tim...and the girls- Lauren, Lindz, me, and Kree.  I'm telling you when we all get together for holidays, it is the best time of my life over and over again.  From the jokes and the catching up and the old stories to the Trivial Pursuit and Scrabble games...It never ever gets old.  Out of all of the cousins, I spend most of my time with Kree.  She does my hair every Friday, we catch up and complain and she washes or dyes or cuts my hair, we laugh and joke and make fun of people.  I look forward to Fridays every week.  And then this one time, her and her best friend decided to write funny crap all over my car this week, and I almost peed my pants.  My aunts and uncles are all amazingly awesome as well.  I can't even describe it...like I was given the coolest family in the world.  I LOVVVEEEE bringing my friends to family get togethers.  Its the best way to show them all off :)

Then there's my dad's side of the family- The Italian side.  We arent as close as my mom's side, but we're pretty close none the less.  Let's start off with my Gramma Camp.  She lived in my house until she passed away when I was about 10 years old. Now THATS a woman.  She never let my mom clean, cook, do laundry, etc.  Her and I were so extremely close.  Her and I shopped on QVC together, watched the food channel together (especially Emeril), prayed together, she taught me how to cook...the right way- everything from scratch.  The cousins and I always called her Grambo- that's exactly who she was- Gramma Rambo.  If you crossed her, that was it for you.  Ive heard so many stories of her flipping the dinner table on her sons if they made her mad, and the best story is of my cousins walking in on Gram holding up a couch with one arm, and vaccuuming under it with her other arm.  That's right, she was a total BA!  So then there's my dad and his 3 brothers.  One lives in Cali and I havent seen him since high school, but we do keep in touch.  And there's the cousins- I am the youngest next to my bro, we have Timmy, Greg, and Annie, Michael John, Pat, Michelle, Terry and Brian.  Let me tell you...we have this side of the family over for Christmas Eve every year, and we call it the Airing of Grievances.  The girls gossip, and the men complain.  It's loud and obnoxious and crazy and so much fun.  

So yeah.  This is my family.  Maybe it's time for you to reflect upon your family.  Think about the amazing moments you've all shared- the dumb stuff, the sad stuff, the funny stuff, the happy stuff.  Every little moment spent with your family should be the most precious moments of your life.  In the end, all you have is your family.  Those are the people who will ALWAYS catch you when you fall.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have even one family member.  So be thankful for them.  Dont take them for granted.  You only have a short time with them on this earth.  Make it count.

<3

Outrun My Gun

I never grew up with guns in the house, I never shot a gun until i was probably 21 or so, so obviously I am no expert at shooting.  I do love it though.  It's a wonderful way to get out aggression and have a damn good time doing it.

So as we all know, last week I sort of went though a fit of rage for a couple days for one reason or another...So I decided to call up an old friend...who actually happens to be an ex boyfriend.  We had a very shitty breakup in June, and tried to be friends, but we're both hard headed douchebags so that didnt work out.  He is a former marine, and a gun toting mad man.  Basically, if there's a zombie apocalypse, this is the man you want to have on your side.  Back in the Toledo days, he had taken me shooting a couple few times and I grew to love it.  He also sorta gave me one of his guns because I basically kick ass with her. 

But back to the point...I hadnt talked to him for a long ass time, and decided to give him a ring out of complete madness.  I wasnt counting on him answering because of our long history of pissing in eachothers' Cheerios.  But he did.  I have pretty much always been able to count on him.  I basically said "hey listen, Im angry, Im upset, I dont know how to deal with it right now, I need guns."  Without question, he told me to get my ass to Toledo stat before I lost my mind and hurt someone or myself.  (He is very aware of my depression and how angry I can get at times).  So of course, I took him up on his offer.

Fast forward to this weekend.  My football boys lost in the regional quarterfinals, I was still letting my breakup eat me alive.  I needed guns.  Sunday morning I left for the long hike to Toledo.  I met 

(lets for sake of privacy call him Machine) at his place, we packed up 3 guns: his glock .40 , his AR-15, and  my GSG-5 (.22 cal version of an MP5), tons of ammo, and off we went.  Of course we needed to stop off for snacks (aka a big giant bag of pretzels for ME and some pop), and on the way down we listened to the angriest of angry music in the camaro - Tool, Rob Zombie, etc.  That's just how we roll when we hang out- anger, anger, anger, and pretzels....and anger.  I would have been content with listening to angry music while rolling around the countryside all day...but add in guns, and Im a happy girl.

                                                 

So we get to the range and set up.  Filled up 5 mags for my .22, 3 for the glock, and I believe 5 for the AR.  And we were ready to go. Now like I said, I am no expert, and I hadnt been shooting for a long ass time before this, at least not with those guns.  I semi had to relearn how to lock and load each of them, proper positioning, etc, but I caught on again pretty quick.  

The new range Machine belongs to is great.  The people there were extremely awesome.  Everyone tells stories about their guns and shows them off, they let everyone take a look and hold their guns, they knock on eachother and make jokes- basically everyone there communicates whether they know eachother or not.  My favorite part of the day was when I was shooting my GSG with a cig in my mouth, one of the older gentlemen made a comment to me "Look at her shootin' and smokin'!"  I turned to him and said "That's right sir, I'm a real woman." How many times do you go somewhere and NO ONE talks to eachother?  Its always awesome to meet someone new and share smiles and laughs...and guns ;)  Keep that in mind.

I am a sure shot with my GSG- which is the reason she is now my gun.  I love her, she has little to no kick, she's badass looking, easy to play around with...I just love her.  Could shoot her all day.  Towards the end of the day at the range, I may or may not have had a moment with her...aka I hugged her for like 5 minutes before I packed her up.  

I have become decent with the AR.  I hit the target every time which is great.  I know how to lock her and load her.  I know how to stand with her and hold her correctly, and I know what to expect when I shoot her.  If any of you had ever shot one before, they have a stellar kick to them, and they're heavy as hell for someone my size.  But man I'll tell you, the amount of badass that you feel while holding and shooting one...I mean, on a scale from 1-badass, it is holy shit badass.  

                                                      

And then there's the glock.  I am definitely not the best at shooting this pistol, mostly because it is a ton bigger than my little hands.  It's hard to get a good grip on a gun that doesnt fit you.  I have shot this one a couple times before, and Im pretty good, but a smaller gun would be much better for me.  She has a nasty kick to her for sure.  Again, you pretty much feel like a badass shooting it. 

Machine is a pro with each and every one of these guns.  He's got all of his certifications and all that legit stuff, and can take apart, clean, and put each of these guns back together pretty much blindfolded.  Keep that in mind when I tell you, if you want to go shooting, you need to do it with someone who has experience, and someone that can teach you the right way to handle them.  Over a year ago, I was taught how to shoot each gun without putting any bullets in them, just so I can get the proper mechanics down.  You need to know your gun before you load it and shoot it.  

I'm telling you, this is one of the best ways for me to let go of my anger (besides hitting the weights).  I cannot disclose what I said to myself in my head as I shot each bullet, I won't disclose what I saw as the target.  Everyone has their own thing going on in their head- but the point is, at the end of the day, you're shooting paper, you're killing paper, you're inflicting harm upon paper.  So it's healthy- you arent putting anyone in danger or taking your anger out on anyone physically. 

It's just enough to bring you back to sanity for a while.

We Will NEVER Hide...

THAT VIKING PRIDE!!!

That's right, this one is for you, men- My 2011 Viking Football team.  (Mostly directed towards the 20 kids of the class of 2012). 

Welcome to game 11!  We've got a little more than 24 hours until we head down to Berlin Center to show em how it's done.  Take these next 24 or so hours to reflect upon your season, and your career as a Viking football player.  As I said, this is mostly directed toward my senior class, so you've got the past 4 seasons to reflect upon.  This is the first time since 2003 that we have made it to week 11, so you should already be incredibly proud of yourselves.  Now, I've only been with you guys for this season and the last, but I have come to know each and every one of you pretty well.  After the season ended last year, I couldnt help but look forward to this year.  We've got this incredible group of freaking 20 driven, strong leaders.  This is what you guys have been talking about and working for since I've been working with you.  

I remember Tim saying "Man I cant wait til next season...we gonna show em how its done."  I could see the fire and passion is his eyes as he said these words.  I remember ya'll asking me "Tess, you ready?  You excited?"  And my answer was always "Hell YES."  I knew that this season was gonna be something special.  I am so incredibly proud of each and every one of you, you have no idea.  You have reached your number 1 goal...Make it to post season.  Now it's time to reach the other goal: Conquer each opponent week by week and head to states.  And trust me when I tell you, Ive got my Northface and my Columbia jackets ready for December 3rd. 

So we have this team - Western Reserve.  Yeah, theyre 10-0, but who have they played?  Uh...no one.  Let's see them try and take on the teams we have faced this year.  Most of you have played at a higher division towards the beginning of your football career.  We werent always D6, and we most definitely dont play against many D6 schools.  I dont need to tell you that we play at a higher caliber than most D6 schools.  You know this.

So we're gonna get down to Berlin Center tomorrow and face up against these "corn fed" boys.  My sources tell me that you guys have been eating alotta corn this week anyways, so I guess that makes you "corn fed" as well.  Their line is averaging about 300lbs a boy.  Yeah thats alotta boy, but you know how it goes, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall."  I hear they do alot of standing up on the line...push em over and go on through.  Vikings don't get intimidated.  Start talking at them like Joe the Equipment Man when youre facing up with them...I think that'll be enough to make them fat boys scared!

So to those that I've taped every day, to those that I've spatted, to those that I've run out on the field for, to those that have been through crappy injuries, to those that annoy the crap outta me just to make me laugh,  to those that I've kicked out of my office, to those who ask me if I have my bitch pants on, to those who make it a point to say hi to me every day, to those who try to kick down my door with the force of Michael Jackson, to those who I have secret handshakes with, to those that haven't been injured the past 2 years, and to those who just started playing football this season:  Thank you.  Thank you for making me part of your family, thank you for the laughs, thank you for annoying me.  YOU GUYS are the reason that I wear a smile on my face every single day.  YOU GUYS are the reason that I'm the happiest and proudest Athletic Trainer in the world.  Not only are you  my athletes, but you are my KIDS!  Yes, Im 23 years old and I have about 300 kids, and I LOVE IT.

Gal, Timmy, Stef, Celli, Toes, Chris, Johnny D, Chay, Eddie, Paul, Jack John, Rodney, Ant, CJ, Dan, DeShawn, Diante, Adam, Bubs, and Gabe:  This is your year...your post season...your legacy.  No one gets in your way.  No one stops you.

...and yes, I will spat you tomorrow so dont bug me about it.  

We'll scream at night, to make them go away...

Ever listen to a song that makes you think, "hey, this is totally about me?"  Well this is definitely MY song.  The link is above, lyrics are included.  This whole process would make more sense if you could take the 4 minutes to watch/listen. 

I'll wait.....hmhmhmhmhm (thats me humming).

OKAY so you've got the jist of what this song is all about.  Let's break it down shall we?

He knows and understands the baggage with which she comes.  He knows she's not eating and is there to tell her she's beautiful- that she lost the weight she wanted to lose.  The pills she has to take, he reassures her that they will always be there to keep her stable.  And yet, through this shit, he'd go anywhere and do anything for her.  He's caving in to her.  She cuts herself and tries to hide it from him, but she cant, and he finds out -you bled til you spoke up.  He says this aint pretty dear, but there he is, still standing by her.  He'll be there to protect her and help fight away her demons - we'll scream at night to make them go away.  WE WILL- aka TOGETHER they will work through it.  He stands for her.  He is her support.  

Some people, like me, we have these demons that we were handed, and we need that support.  We need that extra helping hand.  We need to be reminded that we are not in this fight alone, but are fighting for life hand in hand with someone who loves us.  Not everyone can stand on their own at all times, and that's okay.

I have had a rough day starting with when I woke up- more dreams.  Woke up feeling semi empty, but at the same time, ready to take on the day.  I've made it through, but barely.  No suicidal thoughts, no bodily harm, just painful heartache that wont go away.  I feel like a part of my heart is missing.  I think it'll always be missing.  I can physically feel that hole in my heart. 

I dont wanna spend the night alone, so I have, once again, called on my best friend to babysit.  I need someone to cry with, someone to hold my hand tonight, and she's been the one to give that to me.  It's a little embarrassing to call your friend up and say, "hey listen, its not gonna be a good night for me, can i please lean on you?"  But her and I have been friends since the 1st grade, and she knows me like the back of her hand.  Everyone has a friend or two like that...lean on them when you need them.  It'll help a lot.  Ask for help.  It's okay to do.  Dont be superman, dont be too proud.  Fight it hand in hand with someone who cares.  Two voices screaming at once are louder than one lonely voice. (Yeah Im John Madden).

I got a text from her saying "VERONICA CORNINGSTONE AND I HAD SEX, AND WE ARE IN LOVE!"....wait that is totally the wrong text, but it is from her...

 

Here's the one I was looking for: 

"Anytime youre not feeling good just call me.  No matter what time it is or where I'm at or where you're at, it doesnt matter, okay? You're gonna be my maid of honor at my wedding and my baby's god mother and favorite aunt and you're gonna be with me from the day I need a walker to the day I'm on my death bed.  We've gone through everything together so far and that's how I want it to stay."

Yes, be jealous, my best friend is totally the most amazing person in the world.  But I'm willing to bet you've got one just like her.  Maybe she doesnt have your name tattood on her stomach, and maybe you both dont have matching tattoos (yeah that would be us), but everyone has a friend like her that will stand up and fight with you.

At least think about who it is in your life that has been that person for you.  Maybe give them a call or shoot them a text after reading this.  Talk about heavy stuff.  Laugh and cry together.  Tell them you'll always be there for them and are always willing to fight with and for them.  

Now I gotta get my ass to her house before she beats me up. 

Love to all. 

The Woman With the Tattood Hands

Hello my peeps!  Today I have decided to write about tats...other peoples' tats, my own, the stereotypes, and so forth.

As the majority of you know, I have several tattoos that I'm completely proud of.  Not everyone knows that side of me.  I mean my patients see me on a weekly basis dressed in khakis and a Cleveland Clinic polo or what have you.  I look and act very professional, blah blah blah.  That's how I got this job.  Besides my crazy hair, I look like a pretty "normal" person (I use the term normal very loosely, because there is no such thing).  Not many people would guess that I've got 7 tattoos and 00 gauges in my ears.  All a part of the stereotyping right?  "She looks clean cut and professional...so she's normal."

I guarantee most people that DONT know me would scoff at the mere sight of my tattoos, especially the older generation.  My parents don't get it.  My mom and dad both think it's a waste of money.  Dad once said "cartoon characters are for newspapers," which is funny because I dont have any cartoon character tattoos.  He said tattoos "make you look like some white trash hillbilly waitress that makes 8000 a year."  Well pops, I work for a pretty bad ass hospital system, and am currently getting my master's degree in exercise physiology.  News flash!  This chick's doing pretty well for herself. 

Mind you, back in the day, tattoos DID mean mostly negative things and all that.  It was definitely not the norm.  Oh how the times have changed.  Tats are pretty much the norm for my generation.  In fact, I dont know too many people who DONT have at least one.  It all depends on the person.  Most people dont look at tattoos as art, but thats exactly what it is- body art, drawn on by amazing artists - an outward sign of something that means something to you...mostly. We all know the idiot who got the stupid tattoo of their ex's name, let's not lie.  But at the same time, I cannot judge.  People put whatever they want, or dont want, on their own bodies.

The biggest problem we have in this world is a lack of acceptance- whether it be gay people, people that look differently, race and religious issues, right down to the tatty tat tats and the piercings.  All I can say is, it isnt your body.  You have no right to judge what a person does to their own body.  You are not holier than thou. There's a little saying that goes "dont judge a book by its cover."  Hiiiii, practice what you preach.  If someone chose to NOT get to know me because of the way I dress, look, or cover my body with amazing art, then so be it.  Theyre missing out on an awesome person, cuz let's face it, I'm pretty awesome ;)

So I was thinking about writing this one last night, but then was pushed to do it even harder when I saw one of my patient's tattoos today.  On the inside of his upper arm, it said "I am fucking sweet."  And of course I began to judge.  I thought to myself, what the hell was this kid thinking?  That's so stupid, blah blah blah.  I had to immediately check myself.  It may mean something to him, he probably got it for a good reason.  Maybe it's a reminder to himself that he is actually fucking sweet.  Some people need to be reminded of that constantly.  So I cant judge, and neither can anyone else.  He got it for a reason, he likes it, it's his body.  If you dont like it, look away. 

So I want to share with you all my tattoo journey today.  I'd like to get out the meanings that each of them has, and give reasons as to why I have them.  People tend to understand me more when they understand the meaning behind my tattoos.  I love when people ask me about them because I am that proud of each and every one of them!  Hopefully I can figure out how to throw pics of them on here as well...

So tattoo #1 I got when I was probably 19.  It was one of those...hey I want this moments.  Not my brightest moment but I dont regret it.  I knew I wanted a celtic cross (i am mostly irish).  Maybe something to dedicate to my gramma who had passed when I was 10.  She was very Irish and very religious.  We have her celtic cross hanging in our living room, and she left me her celtic cross necklace after she passed.  So those are the basic reasons.  I cant say I thought it through as well as I should have, but as I said, I dont regret it. 

Tattoo # 2 was placed on my left foot.  It is the kanji symbol for love.  At first I had gotten this tattoo as a dedication to the man I was dating at the time.  I got the tattoo with both of our favorite colors mixed in (blue and purple).  I did decide that no matter if we stay together I will always love him.  Well, we broke up, and he's still one of my best friends.  After him and I broke up, I got the purple removed and had it straight blue faded to match Jon's infinity symbol tattoo (him and I were dating at the time).  All in all, whether this tat was dedicated to someone or not, it's a nice little reminder that love is that important.  Dont forget to love- love your family, love your friends, love yourself.

Tattoo #3 is the Maloik (aka Dego Joe).  I did post something on facebook as to the story of the maloik.  It's an Italian symbol for protection/goodluck/dont fuck with me or i'll fuck with you twice as bad.  Google it if you wanna read up on it.  This guy has serious meaning to me.  My dad had one hanging from him rearview mirror in his old truck, which was moved to his new truck.  He got my brother one for his first car, and one for me for my first car.  Basically, my dad sat me down and told me the story behind the maloik.  In the car, it will help protect you from harm, and if anyone gives you any bad looks, he'll be pointing right back at them.  So I got him on my back...get it?  He has my back at all times.  If I never find a real man, he'll suffice :)

 Tat # 4.  Peace sign with the lyrics "live for today" underneath.  Now all my close friends know that I'm a giant hippie.  This whole idea was formulated by my boo, Kate and I after we had attended a concert called the "Happy Together Tour."  The Turtles, the Grass Roots, Mickey Dolenz, and so on.  Cant get any better than that right?  So me and Boo decided we would both get this tattoo to A) commemorate that concert, which was an amazing experience and B) to always remember to live for TODAY!  dont live for the past, dont live for the future, live for the here and now.  Yeah, I fail at that constantly.  But when I look at my shoulder it's a nice reminder.

 Tat #5 is the kanji symbol for laugh on my right foot.  So now i've got love AND laugh on my feet.  Two great reminders to do two very important things.  Ive been told a million times that my laugh is contagious, and that I have a great gift of making other people laugh their asses off.  I got this tattoo in a time where my laughter was silenced.  I needed that little reminder to laugh- laugh it off, make others smile, dont take life too seriously...and purple is my favorite color ever (besides plaid).

Tat #6, my most prized possession.  This was 10+ hours of nothing but pain and excitement.  The mural is a portrait of Alice slaying the Jabberwocky (from the original Alice in Wonderland book).  I love when people ask why the hell Ive got a dragon on my side lol.  But no....look at the picture and really think about the meaning.  This poor, defenseless, lost little girl was able to take down a giant man eating beast with just a sword and her own will power.  This tattoo signified to me that I can take down anything that gets in my way- mainly my struggle with depression.  This tattoo does cover up some of the scars I have from the cutting.  I got very sick of looking at the carvings that I had made on my own body because I was upset.  What a way to cover it all up huh?  Now you can look at this one a little differently.  Not many people understand why I have it. 

Tattoo #7 is on my right thigh.  It reads "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."  Powerful right?  It is a direct quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption, which happens to be one of my faves.  My best friend Katie and I decided we would get this one together (it's one of her faves as well.)  First off, that movie is completely bad ass.  It is a movie consisting of people being in peril, and holding onto hope that they will one day escape this peril.  Andy Duphresne writes this quote to Red at the end of the movie when Red gets out of jail.  And what a quote it is.  Never let go of hope.  There is ALWAYS hope. 


So those are my tats guys.  I love each and every one of them.  I do have another in the works.  It will be dedicated to my Grampa Maher.  He was a Cleveland Policeman and died in the line of duty while saving another man.  I have never met my gramps, but always hear about what an amazing man he was and how much i would have loved him.  He is now in the Police Hall of Fame in Washington DC, and also has a street named after him in Cleveland (Maher Square off of Lakeshore).  There is a plaque dedicated to him in front of the BBQ place that resides on that street corner now.  Funny joke, I heard gramps LOVED BBQ!  SO my next tattoo will be on my left side (mirroring the Alice tat), and will consist of his Cleveland Police badge #988, surrounded by shamrocks, all in black and white.  Cool right?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeelp in summary, dont judge a book by its cover.  Get to know people regardless of what they have on their bodies.  You never know, you might be inspired and decide to get your own personal body art ;)

Have a good one guys!

To Those Who Pretend They Can be Superman...

Tell everybody
Waiting for Superman
That they should try to
Hold on the best they can
He hasn't dropped them, forgot them or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift 

- Iron and Wine

This one's all about asking for help when you know you need it.  Don't be superman.  Be you.  Real people break.  Real people have glass jaws.  Real people can lose it.  Real people are not super heroes.  I pretended I was for a very long time...

I've been battling depression for probably the last 6 years.  It's had its ups and downs throughout the years, but began to slowly become an uphill battle in March of 2011.  I finally had the courage...let me emphasize that word...COURAGE...to ask for help.  Mostly because a friend really pushed me to do it.  And I really needed help, just didn't want to admit it.  No way in hell did I need help dealing with anything.  Not me.  I was superman. 

I wasn't sure that I wanted to be alive anymore, I was cutting, taking sleeping pills, I acquired an eating disorder.  I was content with balling up and crying every chance I had, sleeping throughout the day, lifting weights and running knowing that I had no decent nutrition for my body.  I dropped about 15 pounds in a month.  Friends were asking why my body was disappearing and why I looked like a walking zombie. But I always had some sort of excuse.  Excuses, excuses. 

So finally, I said screw it, I'm going to the doctor.  It was actually the day after St. Patricks Day.  All I remember was trying to keep my cool.  I didnt even tell my mother why I had made the appointment, just for a regular check-up.  I dont like her to worry.  To this day she has never known the extent to how poorly I was doing.

So the appointment came and went, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression.  I was given pills to ease the anxiety, and was told that I need to start therapy ASAP.  I managed to call my mother and explain to her what was going on, and then got my first speeding ticket on my way home (slap in the faaaace).  Needless to say, it was NOT a good day.  Taking pills and talking to someone to help me??  No way, I was above that.  Totally in denial.

But I went through with it.  Saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me with anti-depressants (yay more pills), and she referred me to a therapist to see on a weekly basis.  I started on the pills-Celexa, which made me lose more weight.  They cause stomach issues for one reason or another.  And then one day I started therapy.

Yes, the first appointment is weird as hell.  This is someone that you have never seen before in your life, and you have to tell them all your problems?  FUDGE.  The night before my first visit, I took a pen to my journal and wrote everything I needed to get out in the open, just to be completely prepared for everything.  So the next morning I'm sure I talked his ear off and all that...

Skip a little to the future...

I went from seeing him weekly, to seeing him every two weeks, to every three, and so on.  I was getting stronger, standing on my own two feet.  I wrote down everything I felt all the time.  Now yes, there were ups and downs where I thought I was gonna break, but it always got better.  I was eating normally, I wasnt cutting, no pain or sleeping pills, started body building and running more often.  Great stuff.

Skip to the past few weeks....

Life was perfect for a while.  I stopped therapy all together, even asked my psychiatrist to take me off the Celexa (which she said no lol).  I found this little missing puzzle piece in a truly amazing man.  I went to bed with a smile every night, slept well, woke up with a smile every morning, walked with this crazy swag, smiled like the Cheshire Cat every minute of the day.  People noticed.  Friends, my kids, some of the kids' parents.  I even had someone ask me "Who are YOU in love with?!"  Just glowing.  Life was as close to perfect as it could get...I had met my match.  His family was amazing, especially his mother.  For the little amount of time that I knew him and his family, I fell in love with them all. I had met "the one."...

Well sometimes things just don't work out in the way you think they should.  He left me.  (See rule #3 in previous post about me pushing people away).  I pushed him away because some weird shit went on one week.  I had an ex call and threaten my job and reduce me to nothing, and I got into a fight with my mother.  I let that affect me so much that I had pushed this guy away from me, let my depression take over, and told him to find someone who was happier.  Didnt expect that he wouldnt push back, but I dont blame him. 

Needless to say, the depression I experienced in the week to follow was crippling, and still tends to be.  It was to the point that I was awake for only 6 hours a day, wasnt eating, cutting again, wanted to die, cried for hours on end, could barely go to work, stopped lifting.  I just lost myself when I lost him.  Some people say you have to move on and stand on your own, but everyone works a little differently.  When I fall, I fall hard.  I love with my whole heart and give everything I have.  My heart has been badly bruised in the past, but this time i felt as if it had been crushed.  I blamed him to make myself feel better.  And then came down VERY hard on myself and took all the blame.

I contemplated suicide two or three times, but was strong enough to get my ass on the phone to A) my therapist, and B) some of my closest friends.  I wont use real names in my blogs, but Panda was the first one there for me when I had a bottle of pain pills in my hand.  On the phone with me at midnight just talking me through, trying to talk about the good old days and funny memories.  It helped.  I made it through that night.  I ended up having the weekend off to be with him and be in a wedding so it was a nice getaway.  There's someone who has never, and will never let me down. 

The next week had its ups and downs as well.  I tried again for the pain pills, but again got my ass on the phone to DDR who talked me through this one.  Had therapy again that week, and felt better...for that day at least.  Thursday and Friday were awful for me.  I had enough of it.  I called my Boo and my K and planned myself a little rehab sesh with the girls.  Boo and I met for coffee, she took my knife for good reason.  We talked and bitched and cried...mind you we were in a Starbucks lol.  And then I spent the night at K's.  I texted her the night before telling her I needed her to basically babysit me- in real terms, I put myself on suicide watch.  She helped me make it through the weekend and has checked on me every day since. 

Come Monday I decided to let my anger and rage take over.  I basically put all my effort into being one pissed off bitch.  I decided I would blame "him" for everything, blah blah blah.  I raged on twitter and raged to my friends.  Decided I functioned better as an angry guarded bitch rather than a sad depressed loser.  That lasted all of about two days.

Last night I fell asleep on my couch and had a dream about him- *after we had broken up he had gotten a girl pregnant, and he broke down and told me about it all.  Said the next 9 months were going to be hell for him and that the girl he was having a kid with wasnt who he wanted.  He cried like mad outta those hazel eyes.  Told me that we belonged together and to forgive him for whatever.  I'll never forget how freaking detailed this dream was, but I remember looking into his eyes and saying "I will always support you and be there for you through everything. We belong together dont we?" And he nodded his head "yes" and took me in his arms.* Then I woke up at 2am and cried for a while.  That dream hit me so hard.  Most of my friends know that I do tend to have very vivid dreams that affect me like crazy.  That was probably the hardest hitting dream of them all.  I was finally channeling my sadness into anger, and then that dream just hammered my soft spot.  I wished that it wasnt a dream, I still do wish it was real.  I would do anything to get the chance to undo this and have my meathead back, ya know? 

Thankfully, I had therapy today.  Cried with my therapist for about an hour, felt exhausted and run down, and cancelled a date with someone who only wanted to get in my pants.  Yay me, I made a great decision.  No more disrespecting myself like that.  And I dont regret it.  I need to respect myself and stop trying to fill voids in the wrong way. 

I do feel better today in a way though.  This blog is helping me, and I feel like it may help others who can relate to me.  I know this is an extremely long one, but I felt like sharing my journey with this depression.  I do not hide it, I am not ashamed of it.  It is part of who I am. It will never defeat me, and although I may never defeat it, I will fight it full force and stare it straight in the eye.

The bottom line is, we can all overcome this kind of stuff.  It's not a bad thing to ask for help, it just shows that you're ready to fight for yourself.  I could have taken the easy way out several times, but I didnt.  I fought.  I continue to fight right now, and I will continue to fight in the future.  You can all do the same, trust me.  It's not worth it to take the easy way out.  How would you become stronger? 

Ive had this said to me many times by the man that I fell in love with:  "Is this how you want to be remembered?  Are you gonna let depression become your legacy?"  No.  My legacy will be how I overcame and conquered this beast.  I will do it standing on my own two feet, but I will always use my support system if I need something to lean against: My family, my friends, my therapist, my kids, my patients. 

I am willing to bet that you've got a great support system as well.  Dont be afraid to ask them for help.  Talk to them.  Let them guide you.  Stand up.  Love yourself. 

A Little Advice on Love...

 ...From Someone Who Always Screws it Up

I won't even begin to say I'm good at love.  I've been through a couple few relationships, some good, most bad.  I've seen physical and extreme mental abuse.  I've also been blessed enough to have spent time with some of the best men on this earth- you know who you are

I'm still single, not by choice, but it is what it is, right?  I hate that saying by the way- it is what it is.  Bite me.

I've recently gone through a pretty tough breakup.  I was not the breaker upper, but the breakee uppee.  Like that?  Copywritten...back off.  I thought I was doing everything right, I did love with all my heart, and I thought I had found the one.  Shit went sour, probably 75% my fault.  I tend to push the ones I love away when I'm going through adversity.  That's usually my biggest problem.  Hoping to learn from it. 

So anyways, I'm gonna throw a couple of things that I've learned about love out there for ya'll to learn from.  Mostly because I don't want any of you to make the same mistakes I have.  Remember, I AM NOT A PRO AT LOVE.  Obviously...since I'm on my own.

1. Do not hide your feelings.  Feelings are there for a reason.  Use them. No matter what, you always communicate how you feel, regardless of if you're afraid of the reaction.  If your significant other makes you feel like shit for feeling the way you do, GET OUT NOW!

2. If/when you fall in love, love with everything you have.  Love is the most beautiful gift you can be given.  Let yourself love with your all.  You never know when it can come to a tragic ending.

3. Do not push the one you love away.  This should really be #1 but I'm scatter brained so whatever.  If you're having trouble dealing with something in your life and your significant other lends a helping hand, lean on them and take that hand.  Don't act like you're tough shit.  Your sig. oth. (copywrite) may just have some amazing advice to offer.  Take it.  Don't push it.

4. If you feel like your sig. oth. is trying to change you (in the negative direction), get out.  You need to always be YOU.  You dress, act, look, however it is that YOU want.  Be true to yourself first.  Now on the contrary, if they are trying to change you to be a more positive person, take the damn advice for christ's sake.  It may just make your life that much better.

5. Take the time to tell your sig. oth. that you love them and you're crazy about them and all that.  My most recent relationship was FULL of that.  It may seem lame and highschool-ish, but its a great way to keep eachother smiling and happy...and completely giddy.  I mean who doesnt wanna wake up to a text that says "I love you, Im so lucky to have you, blah blah blah."  Makes ya smile, dont it?

6. PDA is the cutest way to show eachother how you feel.  Take a walk in public, hug, kiss (no sloppy gross makeouts), hold hands, grab eachother's butts (hehe).  If you cant outwardly show how you feel about eachother when youre around others, then you need to check your relationship.

7. Support eachother in everything that you do.  Your sig. oth. likes to play guitar, take pics, lift like a madman, eat 2398743209847 calories a day, and claim to be a doctor, then you support them.  I mean if you wanna laugh at them behind their backs thats totally ok.  But in all seriousness, support them like you want to be supported. 

8. If you're gonna fight, make sure it's about something super important.  Fights and arguments are time that you'll never get back.

9. Play fight constantly.  Whether it's just busting eachother's balls or judo chopping eachother's faces, it makes the relationship a little more fun.  Be the fun couple.

10. Do crazy shit together.  Let's not get too crazy, but you know what I mean.  Those crazy experiences that you have are much more meaningful when shared.

11. Think before you speak.  Dont say things you know you'll regret right away.  Words can be forgiven but they almost always don't go forgotten.  If you're in the middle of some kind of fight, leave eachother's presence for like 10 minutes.  Breathe and think.  Dont say stupid thing that you cant take back.  The one you love may just up and leave.

12.  Dont take the one you love for granted.  They may not always be there, and you know the saying "you dont know what you have until it's gone."  True story.

13. Take it slow.  Life's about the journey, not the destination.  Same goes for love.  Take the time to enjoy EVERY SINGLE moment of the relationship.  Let yourself feel the amazing happiness that is love.  Dont rush.  Get to know eachother fully. 

14. Love is about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.  Your sig. oth. has some quirks?  Learn to love those quirks.  Your sig. oth. may think they've got A, B, and C wrong with them.  In your eyes, that A, B, and C shouldnt even be noticeable.  You should see them as perfect.

15. Trust and be trustworthy.  Nuff said.

16. Don't be afraid to open your heart.  You may want to remain guarded and armored and blah blah blah, but when you find that right person, it'll take them 1.334 seconds to knock that wall right down.  You'll know when it's right.


OKAY KIDDIES!  Those are the best things I can come up with.  In all honesty I have probably screwed all 16 of these up in some way.  Learn from my mistakes please.  I dont want anyone ending up in a shitty place and being bitter about love.  It truly is the best thing in the world.

If you wanna add, throw a few comments at me.

Welcome to the Inside of My Head

So most people keep their blogs to certain subjects.  Mine will not be.  It will be all over the place JUST like what's going on in my brain.  I'll bitch and moan, I'll give advice, I'll make you smile, I'll make you laugh, I'll make you cry- depending how I feel that day.  I'm as real and honest as a person can be.  I'm not anyone special, I don't do many ground breaking things.  I'm just me. 

Enjoy something real.