Celexaddiction

.trees.

For those looking for a late night story to bore you to sleep, you're welcome.

Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants, not because I felt super happy and magically better, but because my prescription ran out and I couldn't get a hold of my psychiatrist.   I believe that's why I had such a bad weekend...Last Friday night I actually had a really rough night and almost hurt myself pretty badly.  It was honestly over nothing, but I was almost convinced that I wasnt going to wake up the next morning.  Thankfully I have the best people in the world as friends (to those who were there for me that night, thank you).  I woke up the next morning very lost and confused.  My man told me I made it through the night because I truly belong here...

Now as far back as I can remember, I dont recall anyone ever telling me that I truly belong here.  I'm sure it goes without saying that my friends and family feel that way regardless, but I dont think I've ever heard those words out loud.  I thought about it for awhile, and I think it had some profound effect on me.  I decided then and there that instead of refilling my prescription, that I would just take myself off completely.

I had been weighing out the consequences of doing this. I knew I might be a lot more emotional than I have been, that maybe I would start getting depressed and tired all the time, that my body would have to withdraw and detox from my prescription...but I didnt think it was going to make me as sick as I got.

I started taking 40mg of Celexa in March of 2011, and have taken it every day since.  I used to be on klonopin and welbutrin ontop of the Celexa as well, but was able to take myself off of both on my own.  The dosage I am on may not seem like a large amount, but it is a higher dosage than most people take.  Its usually given out as 10 and 20mg in milder cases.  You don't really realize how much your body becomes addicted and dependent on prescription drugs until you quit them cold turkey.

A few days after I stopped taking the Celexa, I started to experience some serious vertigo and really crazy emotions.  At work I would not be able to sit still.  I had to be up on my feet all day.  I felt like I had some sort of weird OCD.  I was extremely emotional...I tried to have conversations with my man about not taking the pills and I would start crying for no reason at all.  It actually made me laugh at myself.  I'm sure if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was a drug addict or belonged in a straight jacket.  I'm awesome.

Anyways, 2 days ago, it started to become unbearable to even stand up or sit still.  The only position I could be in without spinning was laying down.  It was hard to turn my head and eyes to look to the left or the right.  I was so tired and bitchy too, my bad guys :)  Work was just fantastic to bare, considering I had to administer concussion baseline tests to my swim and girls basketball teams.  I had to monitor a bunch of high schoolers and answer questions while trying not to fall over and be a giant bitch face to everyone at the same time.  I gotta hand it to myself, I did a great job. 

So yeah I got pretty bad and decided last night that I'd refill my prescription and take one, with a few dramamines to take the edge off...Im so lame and old. I felt better pretty quick after that and was able to have a pretty badass time with my girls.

I am still hell bent on taking myself off of the Celexa.  I guess I just need to take it a little easier instead of quitting them all at once.  I guess I just feel like I'm not me anymore...it's more like me but masked with chemicals, if that makes any sense.  I feel like nowadays I have everything I need in life and I have figured out better ways to cope with stress.  I slip sometimes but I always come to my senses pretty quick or get a reality check from at least one of my friends.  I know that before I got on medication I used to be unbearable to deal with at times, but at this point I have weeded out my true friends from the weak ones, and stick with people who really know me and how I work, and are able to help instead of making it worse.  It's actually pretty sweet being able to trust every single one of your friends.  I haven't had that until recently, but I hear it's all part of getting older and maturing....barf.  Whatever.

Think twice before anyone wants to throw you on some medication before trying other means first.  I wasn't really even given a chance when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  It was just like "oh well you're depressed, here's 3 prescriptions, have fun bitch!"  I mean I saw a therapist to talk with every week, but that was after I was on the medication already.  Prescription drugs are really handed out like candy nowadays, but they can be extremely dangerous, and sometimes more abused addictive than street drugs.

Scary that the drugs we are handed LEGALLY actually make us worse...isnt it?
Try something a little more natural before you resort to chemicals. 

<3

She Had What Was Coming to Her...

...she brought this upon herself

...she deserved to die

...she was an attention whore

...just another slut

...shoulda drank more bleach

Those are some of the things I have sadly been reading on Facebook and Twitter about this Amanda Todd girl.  If you arent familiar with the story, let this video fill in the blanks for you:

 **As a disclaimer, if you havent read my past blogs about my own struggle, I suggest you do, just so you can understand why I feel the way I do.  It goes without saying that I have been there so many times.

This girl recently committed suicide which has stormed up a ton of controversy.  People have been jumping all over this story saying that she was bullied until she died.  I think most people would agree with that statement, yet I continue to see people make a joke out of it. 

You think a 15 year old girl deserved to die, huh?  You think she had it coming?  If you truly believe that, you obviously have no heart.  She was alone through all of this torture. 

Shes a young, impressionable child.  Dont most 15 year old girls go boy crazy?  I dont know many that dont.  She got attention in a negative way, which is definitely not unheard of.  Think back to all the dumb things we did when we were young to get attention.  That doesnt mean that people have the right to torture you.  So this sent her into depression/anxiety/panic attacks, which is more than debilitating. 

She tried to move schools many times to get away from it all, but people basically stalked her to torment her instead of letting it go, making her depression worse.  Then she goes off with a guy who claimed he liked her, but basically just used her as a joke. (Ive been there a few times, and i think we all have).  So this kids girlfriend decides to call attention to her and punch her in the face.  Hey guess what, YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON YOU, i'm pretty sure HE was in the wrong here as well.  Depression gets worse, she commits suicide, which she tried 2x before, as her peers continuously coaxed her to do.


Listen, regardless of how you feel about how this girl screwed up and "brought in upon herself," you DO NOT have any right to make light of the situation.  Look at the video she made...put yourself in her situation for one freaking second.  Imagine yourself getting followed and tortured and used and stalked.  She felt like she had no one, and that death was the only answer.  Do you even know how that feels, to want to die??  Well I do, and I wouldnt wish that upon my worst enemy.  Yeah, I'm still here and I didnt take "the easy way out," but not a lot of people have the strength to carry on like I did.  When youre just a kid, you are so impressionable and stupid.  Littlest problems cause you to see no light at the end of the tunnel.  Peers mean everything to young kids.  My issues started after I turned 21, so as an adult, I found it easier to stop myself from not being able to turn back.

Imagine these few situations for one minute here, as painful as this may be...

1. You are alone in your room with a bottle of pain pills that you took from someone else, you feel so alone and worthless that you attempt to take as many pills as you can so the pain all goes away from being made fun of or for being used.  You think its the only way out.  Its the only thing that will make it stop.

2. You hate yourself so much that you chug a bottle of bleach to end it all, and you can feel it burning your insides all the way down. 

3. Youre alone in the bathroom floor with a knife in your hand so you can cut, and if youre lucky, youll cut too deep this time and no one will find you until its too late.

4. You are standing on a chair with a rope around your neck, ready to kick the chair out from underneath yourself to end your life of pain.

Yeah, its really not funny at all.  If you're laughing at this, you're laughing at everyone who has attempted or succeeded in suicide.  You're laughing at me, you're laughing at my cousin (who succeeded this past summer), my neighbor, probably a family member of yours...how does that feel, good?  Does it make you feel like you're that much better than everyone?  Well you're wrong...it makes you a sick, heartless shell of a person.

Doesnt matter what you think, this girl WAS bullied, regardless of her dumb choices.   No one is glorifying her.  They are using it as an example to teach kids what NOT to do.  I think it was a good thing for the media to cover it, so maybe someone can learn.  Learn not to put dumb stuff on the internet, learn that there is always hope and that people do care about you no matter how alone you feel, learn to BE NICE to people around you, learn to not cause drama or continue on with drama from the past, learn to not torture or make fun of other people REGARDLESS of the reason.

A 15 year old girl is dead.  She took her own life. 

What are you going to take from this?

I'm In Need...

So as most of you know, I had shoulder surgery on May 10.  For those who care to know exactly what I had done, my labrum was torn from 12-6 oclock down the posterior.  I had that tacked up, and then had a capsular shift to get rid of some instability. The tears in my shoulder are from playing fastpitch, and had gotten worse over the past year from benching and whatnot.  Doc says Im gonna eventually have to have the left shoulder done as well if I want to keep lifting because of the amount of instability I have...He was able to dislocate both shoulders 75% prior to my surgery.  

We keep telling everyone I either got bit by a tiger, shot by a gun, or the ever popular "you should see the other guy" response. Keep it on the hush hush.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me.  I didnt even think I was going to make it through the first couple of days after surgery.  I had never been in so much pain in my life.  The pain killers they gave me barely helped and through me off balance...I fell down the stairs the day after surgery so that was fun times.  Thankfully I landed straight on my ass, but my pride was pretty much broken.  That was the first time I cried infront of my parents since I was a kid probably.  

I couldnt shower, I couldnt eat without help, no driving, no working, no working out, couldnt change clothes. Basically just layed down for a couple days and slept.  For those of you who know me well enough, that's pretty much like taking a trip to hell for me.  I dont like to sit on my ass.  Thank god for my cousin for taking care of me the whole first weekend.  She washed my hair for me everyday, did my makeup, made sure I took my pills and iced, and constantly made sure i was comfortable and felt ok.  (mind you, two and a half weeks later, shes still doing the same thing for me).  

My first post-op appointment ( 3 days after my surgery) was pure hell.  I had to take the brace off and get this thing moving a bit.  I about passed out 3 times during that appointment.  Great times.

The first time I was able to shower and change on my own was one of the best days of my life.  Ive never been so happy about something so stupid.  I made sure to text everyone to let them know I didnt smell like a pile of garbage anymore, and that i was becoming semi independent again.  Oh the little things in life...

My first goal after surgery was to make it back to work the next Monday.  My bosses pretty much laughed at me when I told them that.  I overshot that landing a bit and wasnt able to work until the next Wednesday.  I would say that Im pretty proud of myself for making it back that quick.  I was able to drive finally...Its not that easy to have one hand and drive...Shifting and turning my key blow! 

  

I started formal Physical Therapy the next Thursday at the PT clinic that I work at.  Very convenient to have an appointment with a PT I've worked with for a year, and be able to get therapy right after getting off work. Also very convenient to have a brother who is a Physical Therapist so I can get help at home.   

Fast forward a couple weeks later...I am stuck in a sling and abduction pillow for another 4 weeks.  And since I am right hand dominant, Im pretty much useless.  I was put on restriction from really doing anything physical.  I can only do passive range of motion with my right shoulder for another 4 weeks.  Right now Im stuck at about 90 degrees of flexion and 20 degrees of external rotation.  My goals for the next couple of weeks are 120 degrees and 45 degrees.  Its not looking great right now as my shoulder is extremely tight and gets sore at the endpoints of my range.  My PT says I have to just push through the pain as much as possible to get to where I need to be.  Therapy was very rough this week trying to get a good range, and it pretty much knocked me on my ass afterwards.  I have been told that therapy is gonna continue to get harder and harder as we try to regain more range...not looking forward to it.

 Right now I can pretty much do everything on my own- minus my hair and scratching my left arm (thanks for the help Kree). 

I want to work out more than anything.  Lifting and running have been more helpful with my depression than the medication I'm on, so this is exceptionally hard for me to deal with. I try to stay as active as possible, but about all I can really do without hurting myself is walking or biking.  It's discouraging and I cant seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.  I know I'll get there eventually but its gonna be a very long and hard recovery.  Ive been told I may never be able to bench press again, but there's still that chance.  What's a powerlifter without benching?  I cant rely on deadlifting and squatting alone if I want to compete in the future still.  Obviously Im gonna miss my deadline of competing by November this year, but hopefully Ive got a lot of life to live and I'll someday be able to make my goal. 

I just keep trying to push myself to keep going every day.  I know eventually I'll get back to being super active again.  Thankfully, Im lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people through this whole thing.  All my friends and family have been super supportive and have never ceased to remind me that I WILL get through this and that it's just another hill to climb.  I also have the people who force me to stop being upset or sad or lazy and keep me on my feet and keep me active.  I need that more than anything right now.  I've had to catch myself feeling sorry for myself alot in the past 2 weeks.  I cant do that or this is gonna get the best of me. 

Ive got a list of shoutouts to make if you dont mind...

Mom- thank you for taking the day off work to take care of me after surgery and for making sure I had my pills and water and food and ice constantly.  

Dad- thank you for not treating me like a cripple and for reminding me of my weight lifting goals.

Kree-  Thank you for taking care of my hair, my face, for helping me shower and change, for driving me around all the time, for keeping me active and making sure I was having fun and smiling constantly, for being extremely overprotective, and for putting up with my whiney ass 24/7

Phil and Kell-  thank you for the ace wrap bra and for opening up your house to me if I ever need help.

John and Lindz- thank you for being my at home therapists.  Lindz thanks for your skills with a razor lol!

Aunts, Uncles, Gram, cousins- thank you for the get well cards and the good wishes and for being the best family ever.

My JCC family-  Thanks for letting me come back to work with one arm and continue to train people, and for helping me get my red shirt on and off :)  I love my job.

My VASJ family-  I miss you all more than anything.  Thank you for the huge get well card and the flowers.  So proud to be a Viking!

Random friends and people-  Thanks for being the reason I smile and laugh all the time.  You all make it so much easier to get out of bed in the morning.  And you push me to want to shower and look half way decent because god knows I dont go out in public looking like crap. 

If I missed anyone, feel free to punch me in my shoulder.

Thats about all I needed to get out of my brain tonight.  So happy I can type again:)  Thanks for reading, love all of yall.

Silence...

That was all I could hear in a room FULL of people tonight.

I got the call Monday afternoon from my mother.  She wondered if I had heard anything about my cousin committing suicide.  We hoped it was just a rumor, that maybe it was the wrong person.  I saw nothing on any of my family's facebooks. Shortly after, I got a message from Lea, one of my other cousins.  She confirmed the story to be true.  No way, not my family.  This was not happening...

My mind began racing back to the times my uncle would take us all ice skating- Me, Tiff, Manty, Lea, Monica...We used to have so much fun together, my cousins and I.  It killed me that the only way Tiff and I kept in touch was facebook, and we hadn't even spoken to each other since I was in college.  I barely remember the last conversation we had...

Our minds always turn to "what could I have done to prevent this...?"  That's how I felt.  I feel that maybe I coulda reached out to her, but I had no idea she was having problems.  If we had only kept in touch more, maybe I could have done something...

That's why I have this blog, guys.  That's the reason I started this whole thing- so that maybe I can save at least one person...make at least ONE person think before they act, to let you all know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been there over and over again. I can tell you from experience that no matter how bad it gets, it will all work out.  I am LIVING PROOF that you can get through anything, no matter how hard it seems or how hopeless you feel. Now that my family has been affected by this tragedy, I will never be let myself get that low again.  I will continue to live.  I choose to live.

Please, please, I'm begging all of you.  If you are having a problem, please just reach out to someone- family, friends, your doctor, someone.  If you're reading this and you need advice, even if we hardly ever speak, please just send me a message. I never would wish upon any of you or your families this horrible feeling or experience.

You will die one day, yes, but will you be done living in the end?

In memoria di Tiffany. Ci mancherai.  Ti amo.  <3

Pawn

Heyyyyy everyone.  Just a precursor before I start my rant: this is wine driven-ish.  

This week, I have been doing a lot of thinking...thinking about my career, my family, my friends, my life in general.  I have been completely stressed out as to how everything has been playing out.  I wont go into much detail about any of the above issues...If you really wanna know, ask in person.  

As the week closes out, I have come to a realization: (not that I havent thought about this before...but whatever) not everyone is going to accept you the way that you are.  Those that do are the keepers.  Those that dont...well, F them. 

I have been involved with some seriously deep conversations this week.  A couple with people I barely know, some with people Ive known for a year or 2, a few with close family, and one specifically important one with someone I have known for 15+ years (tonight).  There are a few comments that have been said to me that will probably stick with me for a long ass time:

1) I bet you're the life of the party wherever you go.  When you show up, the party starts.

2) You have a smile that wakes everybody up in the morning.

3) I dont wanna lose you here, so we're gonna keep you for as long as we can.

4) Youre not afraid to approach anyone and offer them help.  Not everyone can do that. 

5) Share your smile and say goodmorning to everyone to brighten their days too!

6) Please dont ever leave us. 

7) I need you.

8) I love you.

9) I miss you.  

10) Thank you for doing what you do.

11) Do not ever change who you are.  I dont care what the circumstances are. 

While all of them struck a chord in some way, number 11 is probably the most profound thing I've heard all week.  Tonight I went to one of my best friends houses to bullshit, bitch, laugh, and take a load off.  I basically was yelled at for 30 straight minutes (in a good way).  She stood up off her couch, looked at me in disbelief, and started going off about how I should never ever change who I am for anyone.  I fought back with many "yeah, but..." excuses, but she kept repeating "yeah but nothing...thats how YOU ARE.  Stop making excuses as to why you arent good enough.  Too many people love you for you, and dont try to change who you are.  If you need to change yourself, why bother?"

Why bother?...  She's right.  How many times a day do we tell ourselves "if only I could be like this..." "this person would like me better if i did this..." ? Why not just be yourself?  The ones who dont accept you are the ones who dont deserve to kiss the ground you walk on.   Stop worrying about how other people see you, especially if its negative.  9 times out of 10, if someone has a problem with you, THEY'RE the one with the issue.

Dont work your ass off to get others to like you.  Keep the ones who like you for who you are...the rest are trash waiting to be thrown out with the rest of the garbage, trust me.  The majority of people who have a problem with me are two faced, use their friends as pawns, and dont even contribute to society...And I'm letting that stress me out...anyone else want to verbally punch me in the face?  I need to be brought back to reality every once in a while.  

Last year I had zero self esteem.  I was severely depressed, anorexic, couldnt look in the mirror, could barely get out of bed unless forced.  JUST so maybe someone would accept me.  I changed everything about myself to please like...2 people. I became a pawn.  I sacrificed Campo, and became someone else. 

As soon as that ended, I did everything they said they'd dislike about me if I did.  I chopped my hair off, I bleached it, I started lifting again, I ate whatever I wanted, I walked and talked and acted how this Campo is supposed to act.

Somehow I got caught up in it all again and Ive obviously struggled.  I wont let myself get back to that.  Ive come too far.  When and if I start falling, Ive got this amazing group of people in my life to kick my ass.  I have the most fun, crazy, LOUD, hilarious, loving, and ACCEPTING people in my life.  They get along with and welcome anyone new that I bring to the table, unless I say otherwise...then its just an all out shit show.  They dont talk shit like children, they dont ignore or dismiss anyone.  Never have I met a better group of people, and I probably never will.  If my crew is your crew, then you know exactly what I mean.  Its better to be in OUR circle than out ;)  

Here's who I AM:

-I am loud

-I am blunt

-I am opinionated

-I am strong as hell

-I am driven

-I am honest

-I am a best friend

-I am a sister

-I am a daughter

-I am a niece

-I am a cousin

-I am caring

-I am loving

-I am emotional

-I am the epitome of awesome

-I am ME

...I see nothing wrong with any of the above 

 

I AM NOT HERE TO PLEASE ANYONE.  I AM NOT HERE TO BE A PAWN. I am the queen...I can make any move wherever I want, whenever I want, and conquer anyone who gets in my way.  (Chess terms...like that shit?!)

Yeah I'm here...Im emm-effing CAMPO...and you best believe it.  

If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass

OH...AND HAVE A LOVELY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!

Something About This Place Brings Out All the Worst

I think my aunt summed this one up pretty well:

"Gee, back in my day, when a kid got mad, they punched someone, nowadays they get a gun and shoot someone...back in my day, a person would sneak a beer, nowadays they take hard core drugs...back in my day, kids had a strict dress code at school, nowadays they dress in scary gothic attire...back in my day, kids would walk along the beach hand in hand listening to Frankie Avalon, nowadays they listen... to heavy metal and get knocked around in a mosh pit...back in my day, kids would sneak under the football bleachers and sneak a kiss from their steady date, nowadays they are having babies at 14 and 15 years-old...back in my day, we got grounded for getting home late, nowadays, kids are out walking the streets in the middle of the night! I could go on, but suffice it to say, things have changed nowadays!" 

So I'm at my internship this morning when I happened to glance at one of our TVs, which said BREAKING NEWS: Shooting at Chardon High School.  Oddly, I was thinking the best out of a bad situation.  Thinking maybe someone just shot a gun and didnt hit anyone.  Then I see "three injured."  Next thought is "okay good, a couple of injuries, no one is dead."   I got ahold of my mom, who is a teacher at Lake Catholic, just to make sure she was in the loop and that she was okay.

 I drive home, rush to turn on my TV, I see "four injured, one dead."  Okay, this is turning out to be worse than I thought.  I followed the story as closely as possible.  Found out that the boy that was killed is one of my friends' cousins, which is just awful.

Honestly, I just wanted to get to VASJ and see my kids. I just wanted to see them and know they were okay. Those kids mean the world to me, and to think this coulda happened to them...it just sucked even thinking about it....thinking that this could happen anywhere...to anyone.  At VASJ, I learned that another victim is a good friend of one of my kids.  Everyone's connected to someone, guys....this kind of thing affects more people than you think.

It's a sad reality of what society is becoming.  Killing people is now the way to solve your problems.  Communication is 75% done via the internet.  Parenting is completely different.  Things are just not the way they used to be.  

I must say that I was raised in a semi strict household.  Mom and Dad stuck their noses in my business.  We ate dinner as a family every night.  We never had guns in the house. I was in by dark. We talked about stuff.  I had rules, and was punished accordingly if the rules were broken.  Back then, I hated it.  Now, I am thankful for it.  John and I were always allowed to listen to whatever music we wanted.  At some point, him and I were both into very heavy metal and violent video games.  Luckily, we were taught the difference between reality and fantasy.  We were taught the correct way to view things.  We were taught level headedness (that's not a word, too bad).  Never once did either of us resort to violence to bring our points across.  I was bullied in grade school, and some of high school.  I never brought a gun or pulled a knife on anyone, nor would the thought cross my mind.  I fought back with my words like a big girl.

Even today, dealing with my depression and whatnot- people piss me off all the time.  I get bitchy and crabby often, but never would I think to physically harm anyone for making me mad or what have you.  I still listen to a lot of heavy music, but that doesnt ever influence me to harm people. 

So, Campo, who is there to blame??

As you read my next few viewpoints, keep in mind that I dont condone what this kid did.  Ultimately, it is his fault.  He knows what he did was so incredibly wrong, he turned himself in, and he better pay his dues in prison. 

Now let's put this into perspective.  The kid...TJ Lane...He had no one.  He was a loner.  Dad's in trouble with the law over and over again.  Who knows where mom is?  He goes to an "at risk-students" school.  He's bullied.  He's probably lost in his own world.  He had no role models, no one to care for him or look after him.  Does this really come as a surprise to anyone honestly?  TJ is to blame, but consider his circumstances....Parents are to blame in situations like this.  

This TJ kid, he threw all these major hints at people via facebook and twitter.  He wrote a very scary poem and posted it on FB...the last words he wrote in this poem were "die, all of you."  The pictures he put up were pictures of him pointing guns...People saw these things...many people, and no one said a damn thing.  If ONE person would have spoken up, this may not have happened.  The ones who kept their mouths shut should take some blame.

Now, you all know that I like guns.  I like to shoot.  I believe in the right to bare arms.  I do not believe that guns should be abolished.  Guns dont kill people, PEOPLE kill people.  I don't blame this issue on the lack of gun control.  I see no sense in it.  I've never really heard of anyone who has gone through courses and lessons and more courses that has used a gun to harm someone for no reason.  I look forward to getting my CCW possibly this summer and I cant wait to get my pistol, but I hope to god that I never have to use it.  Who knows in this world anymore though, right?? Guns and gun control are NOT to be blamed.

We can blame the music he listened to and his gothic lifestyle...because that makes sense.  Just because someone dresses differently and/or listens to heavy shit does not automatically make them a soon-to-be killer.  Goth is a style, music is music. I know that music nowadays has become and condones violence and whatnot in a lot of cases (which is why I stick with 60s and 70s music usually), but music isnt to be blamed for how someone reacts to situations.  Dont blame music, dont blame style.  Dont judge a book by its cover.

Lets be honest, kids nowadays are soft.  Bullying has become this HUGE thing now.  Bullying has been going on forever.  But for some reason, kids in this society fight back with violence.  They dont know how to talk to people, they dont have family to turn to when they feel threatened.  What does a cat do when you threaten it?  it hisses at you and usually attacks you.  Humans have become the same way.  So why even bother bullying someone?  Does it make you feel better as a person?  Is your life that boring that you need to take the extra time to make someone feel like shit for a dumb reason?  It's senseless to fight fire with fire, but that's sometimes all people know how to do, especially a kid like TJ.  You never know who you are actually pushing.  You dont know what anyone is capable of.  You might just push them too hard one day, and then this shit happens.  Bullies should be blamed.

See, I really just dont know what its like to get raised in a shitty environment.  I dont know what its like to have no one, to be no one.  I dont know what its like to not have a family to come home to every day.  I dont know what its like to have no friends.  I dont know what its like to go to an at risk school.  These kids that DO know what that's like...I feel bad for them.  I wish more kids had parents like mine.  I wish we all lived in a society like the 50s and 60s generations did.  I feel that there's just less and less caring in our society.  Kids can do whatever they want whenever they want...no one cares...blah blah blah.  Thats not how it should be, it just isnt.

I guess, like my aunt said, times have really changed.  It's utterly terrifying.  I'm just thankful for how I was raised, and I will continue that with my future children.  

I hope everyone takes this situation and learns from it.  It's a tragedy, it's terrible, it's heartbreaking.  LEARN.  Do not repeat mistakes.  Hold your kids a little closer, get closer with your parents, treat others well, smile at people even if you dont know them.  Just little things that take next to no effort could make all the difference.

I like a phrase that one of my buddies used today: ELE- Everyone love everyone.  

My heart goes out to everyone effected by today's events.  We will pull through as a city, as a state, as a nation.  Wear red tomorrow to let people know that we have Chardon's back.  

I love you all.  Let's put a stop to this shit.

Where We Learned To Celebrate

Been a while, everyone.  Welcome back to my head. 

Lots has happened since my last post.  My best friend/ex stopped talking to me because he has somehow become a father and is too busy to talk to his friends.  It was heartbreaking to know that i'd probably never talk to him again.  I became even more depressed and was put on another antidepressant.  I was basically sleeping all day every day and was living off a short fuse.  I decided it would be a good idea to purge my room of all of Jon's paintings and stuff.  I couldnt do it by myself, so of course Kate was there for me the whole time.  We didnt get rid of anything, but put in in bags in my attic so I didnt have to look at them anymore.  It was incredibly heartbreaking to get rid of 4 years of stuff from him.  I found old letters and a picture of the engagement ring we were gonna get.  Seeing that stuff was painful to say the least.  I wrote him one last letter, which he never answered.  Im not sure taking his stuff down is helping much.  I actually notice it more that its all gone, and it really hurts.  Kate assured me that one day I'll be able to look at his stuff again...I'm not sure how much I believe that...

...So fast forward to this weekend.  Kate and I decided that since we both had a free weekend that we'd take a trip back to our old stomping grounds in Toledo...We made tattoo appointments which was super exciting.  We were both under the impression that this would be the best weekend ever.  I mean we drove through a blizzard yesterday to get there.

We went out to lunch with some friends, Katie and Brandon.  Katie has been very support of me and somehow always knows when I'm sad.  So it was good to see them again and eat Mongolian BBQ (great place).  Kate and I went back to the apartments we used to live and work at...we tried to take a fake tour and pretend we never lived there, but we got caught.  They foiled our plan...bitch.  So that didnt go as planned.   The rest of the day, we just kinda dicked around and visited a couple more friends until our tattoo appointments.  It was great to see my artist, Mike, again.  He is not only an amazing artist, but a great person to talk to and offer advice.  He is also a lying assface ;) Love you bud.  Kate got a tattoo on her foot that reads "Hope."  It's absolutely beautiful and original...and painful.  I got my thigh piece finished up finally.  That was definitely the highlight of the trip.

That night we planned on going to our favorite bar, Loonies.  Jon used to work there and a lot of our mutual friends still hang out there.  In the back of my mind I was thinking that this was a terrible idea on my part, but I ignored that feeling and we still went.  Everything was fine at first.  We danced and drank and sat on the couch just like we used to...Then it all went to shit when someone informed me that Jon had moved to Sandusky and moved in with his girlfriend and her kid.  After I heard that, I went out back and cried...We decided it was best that we left and went elsewhere.  Kate and Corrinne really kept me from completely losing it.  We had a semi amount of fun at the next bar.  We got tired, went home, and bullshat for a while.  Without going into detail, the girls and I had our own separate breakdowns throughout the night.  I honestly just couldnt wait to go home...

We woke up this morning and decided to hit the road much earlier than we originally planned.  For me, there were just too many memories there.  I used to love that place, and I never wanted to leave it.  The memories are amazing, the people there are awesome...but I guess that's all in the past now.  Now its just different.  I dont think I'll be going back again unless I get another tattoo from Mike.  I am only thankful that I got to spend a whole day with Kate and see some of my good friends again...

To say the least, this trip was painful and I cant go back again.  

No Excuses

I've actually been meaning to write this blog for a while, and it was actually going to primarily deal with people who give excuses for not working out.  I've actually changed that around a little and added a few more things in there after a few people in my life expressed some things.  Now that I have an afternoon to myself, here I go.

This one is all about the excuses that people are full of.  Excuses as to why they can't work out, excuses as to why they can't eat healthy, excuses as to why they cant spend time or have a conversation with their friends or family.

The best excuse:  "I dont have time to work out for an hour,"  "I'm injured."  "I dont have time to make a healthy meal," "I dont have time to shoot a text or a phone call to a friend," "I dont have time to sit down with my family and have a conversation." 

Let me go ahead and share with you a little bit about myself, and we can go ahead and compare our schedules, shall we?  I am a Master's student at Cleveland State.  This is my last semester at CSU, as I will be graduating in May.  In my last semester, I am required to A) go to class once a week for 4 hours (Tuesday nights from 5-9), B) start an internship that adds up to about 150 hours, and C) pass my comp exam in March which covers all of what Ive learned over my 2 years in graduate school- aka I will be studying my ass off for the next 2 months.  I started my internship a little over a week ago.  I am working as a general trainer at the gym at the JCC in Beachwood.  I work there Monday and Friday mornings, 8am-12pm, and Sundays 9am-1pm.  ON TOP of CSU's requirements, I also work as a graduate assistant Athletic Trainer for the Cleveland Clinic.  Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I work in a Physical Therapy Clinic from 8am-12pm (sometimes 1pm if we have a meeting).  AND Monday through Friday I work at VASJ High School as their sole Athletic Trainer.  I am there every day from 2:30pm until 6pm, unless we have games (right now its bball season, so I'm there a couple nights a week til about 9:30, and Saturday evenings until 9:30 as well).  About twice a month we have 6:30am meetings on Friday mornings that we have to attend.  ANNNND I have therapy on Wednesdays from 1pm-2pm.

Somewhere in that insane schedule, I find time to lift/do cardio SIX days a week.  Currently, I am working as hard as I can, ON MY OWN, to be able to compete in a powerlifting meet sometime this year.  I have no personal trainer, I just read my dad's powerlifting mags and get his input as much as I can when I get to see him.  I lift 4 days a week, and I do cardio 2 days a week.  I have a goal and I'm putting as much effort in as possible to be able to reach that goal.  As for the "I'm injured" excuse, I've got a torn shoulder, military neck, an injured disk in my lower back, and arthritis in my thumb.  ALSO, at the clinic, I work with injured patients to rehab them back to health.  Rehab is called therapeutic exercise for a reason.  There is ALWAYS some type of exercise you can do. 

 I find time to drop a line to my friends as much as I can.  Even if it's just a stupid hey whats up or something.  I MAKE time to spend time with them as much as I can as well.  I can't live life and handle all this shit if I shut out my friends.  They understand my schedule, I understand theirs.  Most of them are just as busy as I am, but we still try our best to AT THE VERY LEAST keep in touch as often as possible.  NEVER ONCE have I said "I'm too busy to talk to you."  I LOVE talking to my friends during the week, which is probably mainly why I have friends...cuz I keep in touch and they know I think about them often.  I mean, even if it's JUST on twitter or facebook or something dumb.  I can take a minute to say hi.

Conveniently, I do live with my mom, dad, and brother, I live across the street from my gramma, and I live down the road from my baby cousin who is one of my best friends.  It's weird that regardless of this fact, I barely see any of them.  I see my mom and dad most nights, dad not as much because he is in bed by 9 every night.  I spend as much time as I can with my mom as well- Wednesday and Sunday nights we watch our shows together.  I wander my way to my gramma's house on Sunday nights for scrabble night with her and my mom.  I get to spend Thursday nights watching Parks and Rec and The Office with my brother...since that's pretty much the only time he isnt studying for his PT boards test, and pretty much the only time i get to see him for more than 5 mins.  I take any extra free time I have to go to my cousin's salon to get my hair done just so I can spend some time with her. 

As for eating healthy, yeah my mom cooks most nights, but breakfast, lunch, and snacks are on me.  When I lived in Toledo on my own, I was in charge of buying my own damn groceries and making my own damn dinners.  So yeah, I'm capable of that too.  I eat well, I choose healthy foods, I make good choices...and sometimes I eat some damn chocolate...so what?!   

Lets sum that up and make that less confusing for those of you whose brains just exploded:

M: internship 8am-12pm, lift, shower, VASJ 2:30-6, comps study group 7:30-?
T: PT clinic 8-12, VASJ 2:30-4:30, class 5-9
W: lift, shower, Therapy 1-2, VASJ 2:30-6 (we often have bball on Weds so sometimes 9:30) Modern Fam with my mom and dad at 9:30
R:  PT clinic 8-12 (1 oclock twice a month), run, shower,VASJ 2:30-6 (games usually this night so 9pm sometimes)...if no games, brother/sister time
F: meetings 6:30-7:30, internship 8-12, lift, shower, VASJ 2:30-6 (games til 9:30 or so)
S: lift, shower, VASJ 5-9:30ish
S: internship 9-1, cardio, shower, scrabble night at grams

So uhhh...yeah...whats your excuse for not working out?  Whats your excuse for not having time for your friends?  Whats your excuse for not spending time with your family??  Whats your excuse for not eating right??

Take a piece of paper and a pen, and write down all your excuses for the above.  I'll wait..........................

Good, now take that piece of paper, and throw it away.  Your excuses are garbage, and no one wants to hear them.

Have a nice day, and do something.