Hello everyone! Hope you had a magical Saint Patrick's Day!
I'm writing today because on March 18, 2011 (two years ago from today) I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I know I've written about this many times before, but today is a super special day for me. I can now say that I have conquered the hardest part of my life this far. I am off all of my medications finally. I finished weaning off of the antidepressants a few weeks back thankfully. That was such a long and physically taxing process, but I did it all on my own.
Sometimes I wonder how everything got so bad. I mean I know there were a few things that sparked the flame, but to get to that extreme...I just don't know. And trust me, I didn't just snap out of it in one day. What I've been thinking about mostly today is that I never had anyone really tell me that being sad is completely normal. I never had anyone say that life sucks sometimes and that I don't have to be happy at that moment. No one ever said that they understand what I'm going through and that they'll just listen to me whenever. (mind you I hid this well from my family so I didn't go to any of them for help). Firstly I had a boyfriend at the time threaten to never talk to me again if I didn't get on medication. Being on medication at first helped so much that I built up the strength to dump him out of my life for being a controlling asshole. I dated two people who claimed they cared and loved me, but left me without thinking twice when times got hard. That took so much out of me. They made me feel so abnormal and like I didn't deserve someone to just sit back and try to understand. Sucks for them because I knew eventually I'd fall on better times and be happy, but they were too weak to see it through and stand by me.
Things started to get a bit better when I became
closer to my cousin more as a friend than a family member. We probably had the best summer every together even though I had just had surgery and was in a sling the whole time. She introduced me to Steve, who has almost single handedly made me feel like a completely normal person. I honestly don't think I would have thought about quitting taking meds without his constant support. I can always hear him saying to me 'you don't need to be on all those medications, you're normal.' He has been so strong staying by my side through some really crappy times. Never once did he give up on me. 11 months later and we're still freaking sweet together. I've never felt more myself until I started dating him.
And then there's the whole roller derby thing. I started skating in November, and made the team in late January, It's such a release, it makes me feel important, and I'm surrounded by strong women who aren't afraid to be themselves no matter what. Bring around that makes me feel incredibly strong.
I ran into a friend that I haven't seen for a long while. She said to me 'You just look like you're doing so well and you look so happy.'
She was right. I'm doing well, and I'm happier than ever.
