Silence...

That was all I could hear in a room FULL of people tonight.

I got the call Monday afternoon from my mother.  She wondered if I had heard anything about my cousin committing suicide.  We hoped it was just a rumor, that maybe it was the wrong person.  I saw nothing on any of my family's facebooks. Shortly after, I got a message from Lea, one of my other cousins.  She confirmed the story to be true.  No way, not my family.  This was not happening...

My mind began racing back to the times my uncle would take us all ice skating- Me, Tiff, Manty, Lea, Monica...We used to have so much fun together, my cousins and I.  It killed me that the only way Tiff and I kept in touch was facebook, and we hadn't even spoken to each other since I was in college.  I barely remember the last conversation we had...

Our minds always turn to "what could I have done to prevent this...?"  That's how I felt.  I feel that maybe I coulda reached out to her, but I had no idea she was having problems.  If we had only kept in touch more, maybe I could have done something...

That's why I have this blog, guys.  That's the reason I started this whole thing- so that maybe I can save at least one person...make at least ONE person think before they act, to let you all know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been there over and over again. I can tell you from experience that no matter how bad it gets, it will all work out.  I am LIVING PROOF that you can get through anything, no matter how hard it seems or how hopeless you feel. Now that my family has been affected by this tragedy, I will never be let myself get that low again.  I will continue to live.  I choose to live.

Please, please, I'm begging all of you.  If you are having a problem, please just reach out to someone- family, friends, your doctor, someone.  If you're reading this and you need advice, even if we hardly ever speak, please just send me a message. I never would wish upon any of you or your families this horrible feeling or experience.

You will die one day, yes, but will you be done living in the end?

In memoria di Tiffany. Ci mancherai.  Ti amo.  <3

Pawn

Heyyyyy everyone.  Just a precursor before I start my rant: this is wine driven-ish.  

This week, I have been doing a lot of thinking...thinking about my career, my family, my friends, my life in general.  I have been completely stressed out as to how everything has been playing out.  I wont go into much detail about any of the above issues...If you really wanna know, ask in person.  

As the week closes out, I have come to a realization: (not that I havent thought about this before...but whatever) not everyone is going to accept you the way that you are.  Those that do are the keepers.  Those that dont...well, F them. 

I have been involved with some seriously deep conversations this week.  A couple with people I barely know, some with people Ive known for a year or 2, a few with close family, and one specifically important one with someone I have known for 15+ years (tonight).  There are a few comments that have been said to me that will probably stick with me for a long ass time:

1) I bet you're the life of the party wherever you go.  When you show up, the party starts.

2) You have a smile that wakes everybody up in the morning.

3) I dont wanna lose you here, so we're gonna keep you for as long as we can.

4) Youre not afraid to approach anyone and offer them help.  Not everyone can do that. 

5) Share your smile and say goodmorning to everyone to brighten their days too!

6) Please dont ever leave us. 

7) I need you.

8) I love you.

9) I miss you.  

10) Thank you for doing what you do.

11) Do not ever change who you are.  I dont care what the circumstances are. 

While all of them struck a chord in some way, number 11 is probably the most profound thing I've heard all week.  Tonight I went to one of my best friends houses to bullshit, bitch, laugh, and take a load off.  I basically was yelled at for 30 straight minutes (in a good way).  She stood up off her couch, looked at me in disbelief, and started going off about how I should never ever change who I am for anyone.  I fought back with many "yeah, but..." excuses, but she kept repeating "yeah but nothing...thats how YOU ARE.  Stop making excuses as to why you arent good enough.  Too many people love you for you, and dont try to change who you are.  If you need to change yourself, why bother?"

Why bother?...  She's right.  How many times a day do we tell ourselves "if only I could be like this..." "this person would like me better if i did this..." ? Why not just be yourself?  The ones who dont accept you are the ones who dont deserve to kiss the ground you walk on.   Stop worrying about how other people see you, especially if its negative.  9 times out of 10, if someone has a problem with you, THEY'RE the one with the issue.

Dont work your ass off to get others to like you.  Keep the ones who like you for who you are...the rest are trash waiting to be thrown out with the rest of the garbage, trust me.  The majority of people who have a problem with me are two faced, use their friends as pawns, and dont even contribute to society...And I'm letting that stress me out...anyone else want to verbally punch me in the face?  I need to be brought back to reality every once in a while.  

Last year I had zero self esteem.  I was severely depressed, anorexic, couldnt look in the mirror, could barely get out of bed unless forced.  JUST so maybe someone would accept me.  I changed everything about myself to please like...2 people. I became a pawn.  I sacrificed Campo, and became someone else. 

As soon as that ended, I did everything they said they'd dislike about me if I did.  I chopped my hair off, I bleached it, I started lifting again, I ate whatever I wanted, I walked and talked and acted how this Campo is supposed to act.

Somehow I got caught up in it all again and Ive obviously struggled.  I wont let myself get back to that.  Ive come too far.  When and if I start falling, Ive got this amazing group of people in my life to kick my ass.  I have the most fun, crazy, LOUD, hilarious, loving, and ACCEPTING people in my life.  They get along with and welcome anyone new that I bring to the table, unless I say otherwise...then its just an all out shit show.  They dont talk shit like children, they dont ignore or dismiss anyone.  Never have I met a better group of people, and I probably never will.  If my crew is your crew, then you know exactly what I mean.  Its better to be in OUR circle than out ;)  

Here's who I AM:

-I am loud

-I am blunt

-I am opinionated

-I am strong as hell

-I am driven

-I am honest

-I am a best friend

-I am a sister

-I am a daughter

-I am a niece

-I am a cousin

-I am caring

-I am loving

-I am emotional

-I am the epitome of awesome

-I am ME

...I see nothing wrong with any of the above 

 

I AM NOT HERE TO PLEASE ANYONE.  I AM NOT HERE TO BE A PAWN. I am the queen...I can make any move wherever I want, whenever I want, and conquer anyone who gets in my way.  (Chess terms...like that shit?!)

Yeah I'm here...Im emm-effing CAMPO...and you best believe it.  

If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass

OH...AND HAVE A LOVELY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!