30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 24

What are some of your main triggers?  why?

Being overwhelmed or stressed is a huge trigger.  Sometimes I get lost in everything I have to think about or do, and it drives me crazy.  Although, things have been much better recently as I am able to control and manage things a lot better.

Also, looking at self harm pictures and whatnot.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 23

What is your favorite inspirational quote?

'You're perfectly flawed.' -Otep

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 22

Where do you feel the most calm?

There's a few places I suppose.  My room of course would be on the top of my list.  Steve's room would be another one of my calm places where I can just relax.  The shower after a long derby practice, my living room when I'm home alone at night and able to just listen to music and relax, and probably any place that I can watch the sun setting.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 21

Have you tried to stop in the past?  What have you done differently this time?

Yes I have tried to stop in the past.  Started seeing a psychiatrist and got on medication.  It worked for a while and I got too comfortable and took myself off my medications.  Took a few months for everything to fall apart and I ended up in the hospital for 5 days.  Realized I needed to be on medication and that's okay, Realized how many people care for me, changed some stuff in my own life, and here I am.  I have slipped up once since then, but am doing 100% better than ever.  This time around I am more open and use my resources better and more carefully.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 20

What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm?

I usually can remember what song I was listening to at the time for some reason.

One specific vivid memory is thinking I had to get stitches.  Instead I went to a coworkers home so he could steri-strip and cover them up.  It was pretty horrifying.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 19

List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.

No more hiding cuts.
No new scars.
I can help others recover.
I can be proud of myself for surviving and overcoming.
I don't have to feel so low that I'd want to hurt myself.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 18

Write a letter to the future (recovered) self.

Well I am clean and recovered now...But if I wasn't, it'd go a little something like this:

Dear me,

none of this was worth the pain.  It'll never be worth your pain or your time.  Stay clean.  You're done with this shit for good.  You got through everything and survived no matter how hard it was.  Keep moving forward.  Also, your friends are awesome.  keep them.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 17

Do you know anyone else that self harms?

Unfortunately, yes.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 16

What advice would you give someone about self harm?

Don't start.  For whatever reason, don't start it.  It leads you down such a vicious cycle.  So just don't. Talk to someone who has recovered before you start hurting yourself.  Talk to someone.  Just don't start.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 15

Do you ever visit websites about self harm?  If so, what are they?

Yes I do, honestly.  That's kind of embarrassing to admit to be honest.  I constantly look on social media sites for self harm pictures and stories.  I'm not sure why.  It's weird.  I'm weird.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 14

Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?

No single person, rather, my family, friends, boyfriend, myself, my teammates, my athletes...etc.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 13

What is the biggest realization about self harm you've had?

Harming yourself is counterproductive to helping yourself.  there's so many other things you can do to get that release that you need.  It's a temporary solution to a problem, and what good does it do besides leave scars?

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 12

Where do you keep your 'tools'?

I don't really keep anything.  I used to have pocket knives but those were taken away by my friends a long long time ago.  I used to just find something sharp and go with it.  Usually sharp scissors or something like that.  Nothing that I would have kept hidden away.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 11

Strangest place that you've ever injured yourself?

I don't think anywhere strange really.  Mostly either my bathroom or bedroom I guess.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 10

How do you feel about your scars?

Not proud.  I don't pay too much attention to them anymore really.  Sometimes I feel self conscious about them, like if I'm out in a bikini or whatnot I wonder if people stare at them.  At other times I just forget they're there.  They're just a part of me now.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 9

Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds?  Discuss.

The only time I've ever taken a picture of my wounds is after I got my Otep lyrics tattoo.  I've never taken pics after I've cut.  I don't need to see it or share that with people.  I think taking pictures of your cuts and especially putting them on social media is asking for attention in a negative way.  I've always kept mine a private matter.  I'm not proud of them nor do I want to 'show them off.'

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 8

What is the most supportive thing anyone has ever said to you about self harm?

There's so many things to even directly quote...

I think the most profound thing I heard was from my parents when I was in the hospital.  They both said I could never disappoint them, that they'll always worry about me and love me no matter what, and that everyone needs a little help sometimes.  They said I was intelligent for actually asking for help when I went to the hospital.  It made me feel good that they weren't judging and that they were behind me.

There's also so many things my friends and family have said to me and continue to say to me.  Just their support and love in general Ella me every day.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 7

List 10 activities that help you calm down:

Working out
Derby
Calling a friend, namely, my derby wife
Yoga
Playing with my pup
Hanging with my boyfriend
Watching TV with my roommate
Listening to calming music
Taking a nap
Having my cousin do my hair

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 6

What about it do you enjoy?

Umm...I guess the release is about all that I liked about cutting; maybe feeling in control of my own pain.  I've found healthier ways for the release...Tattoos, piercings, derby, exercise, talking, etc.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 5

What part of self harm do you dislike the most?

I hated the way Id feel before I'd cut; the loneliness and despair and hopelessness.  I'd just listen to a sad song on repeat and cry and cry until I hurt myself.

I hated bleeding and having to clean up my own blood.  I'd have to wait for it to stop before I could go anywhere.

I hated the feeling afterwards; the amount of pain I felt physically.  I couldn't wear pants without feeling them rubbing my cuts and causing more pain.  I'd be exhausted from the amount of adrenalin I used up while cutting.

I hate the stupid scars I still have; I hate when people see them or ask about them.

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 4

Do you consider yourself addicted?  Why or why not?

That's a tough question I guess.  I am clean and haven't struggled much or wanted to for a while, but at the same time I haven't really gone through much to make me want to self harm.  If and when something does come up, I will probably struggle, but I know how to get through it and use my resources instead of self harming.  It's a crutch when you have nothing else to turn to.  At the time and in the moment it seems helpful, like a release or a rush, but when it's over it doesn't do too much to help anything.  You kinda cling to that 'in the moment' feeling.

I guess it is like an addiction...

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 3

What is your motivation to recover?

I don't want anymore self inflicted scars on my body.
-I want to become a role model and advocate for those who struggle with self harm.
-family
-friends
-my job; my athletes and my patients
-my boyfriend
-making myself proud
-being healthy

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 2

Question 2: What part of your body is most affected by it?

I always chose places that no one could see.  I used to cut my sides mostly.  My Alice in Wonderland tattoo covers up the marks on my right side, and I have a tattoo of the lyrics 'you will know me by the scars I bare' over the scars on my left side.  I've also used my thighs in the past.