Open Ears and Open Eyes...

...Wake up to your starboard bride

Who goes in and then stays inside

Oh the demons come, they can subside.

On December 6, 2011, I wrote a blog about my best friend who had just been diagnosed with brain cancer.

I can't say how long it was that we had stopped talking.  We had a significant falling out with each other over some dumb stuff before she had a craniotomy, where they removed 80% of her tumor.  I had intentions of keeping in contact with her, even after the falling out, but our friendship slowly faded into the mist of time.

Earlier in the year, probably around March, she attempted to contact me via text, saying she would like to be friends, but with a hardened heart, I turned that idea away and wished her well after all that had happened between us.

That was probably the most selfish thing I've ever done. I just turned someone away who was my best friend and sister for years.  I couldn't leave the past in the past, forgive and forget, or move on.  Honestly, I had thought about what I said pretty much every day thereafter.

Tonight, I went out to dinner with my mom and two of my aunts that I don't see very often.  They usually get together for dinner only a few times a year to catch up.  Most of the time I have something else going on, but felt that I really needed this tonight because of shit that's been going on recently.

They asked if I was okay and said they were worried about me.  We talked about the usual family gossip, talked about jobs and friends and whatnot.  Then we came to talking about my cousin's suicide, which i also blogged about on March 28, 2012.  Talking about it is painful still, especially the fact that I have felt that low many times in my life, that I probably know how my cousin felt before she passed away.  The pain in my aunt's eyes as she stated that she can never get over this and how much she still thinks about it really got to me.  I held back tears as we talked about it, and again I was reminded how precious life is and how little time we have on this earth.  I was reminded never to take people for granted that love you, and never leave them behind, because you really just don't know when it's their time or your time.

During the conversation, I decided that it was time to text my old friend in attempt to apologize and try to maybe fix things if possible.  Somehow I remembered her number off the top of my head.  She immediately offered to have me over her apartment to talk tonight.  I was pretty taken aback by her open arms and willingness to get together.  I drove to her place and was pretty nervous.  I hadnt really spoken to her or seen her in probably close to a year, maybe more.  I wasnt sure if things would be awkward and silent, or if we'd just fall back into being like old times. 

She opened the door and I pretty much just wanted to cry, but our usual sarcastic and hilarious banter prevented any tears at the beginning.  We're still hilarious after all this time, just saying.  We talked about old funny and ridiculous memories.  She whipped out the Kwanza book I bought her for Christmas one year.  Yep that happened. 

But we got down to the actual deep conversation.  She told me things that she has been through and endured since her craniotomy.  All I could think was what a terrible person I was for not being there through everything and I cried and apologized a few times I believe.

We talked for over an hour and caught up on as much as possible.  She lent me some good advice about some of the stuff I am going through presently.  We always understood each other's stupid bullshit and that didnt seem to change much.  We promised to keep in touch and hang out and catch up.

I texted her when I got home to apologize again.  She said no need anymore, that all we can do from here on out is make up for lost time.

I feel relieved, thankful, and happy tonight, like another weight has lifted off my shoulders.  Stupid shit isn't worth losing a friend over, especially not a best friend.  Nothing's worth it.  Friendship is everything.  Losing a friend is just stupid.  It's stupid and should never happen, you know, unless they murder your family or whatever.

I want to continue to mend broken relationships that I once had, fix stupid shit in my life, and I want to continue to progress forward.

I have a lot of work to do in the near future, but I vow to do things to make life more enjoyable and happy. 

I want you all to read all this and think about your lives as well.  Call it a personal favor.

Goodnight <3

Can't

The word "can't" is such a subjective thing. 

How many times has someone told you that you can't?  Better question- how many times have you told yourself you can't?

We're all guilty of it, obviously myself included numerous times.

I had a pretty extensive shoulder surgery in May of 2012 after completing an 8 week cycle of training my ass off.  My labrum was torn from 12-6 oclock posteriorly, and on top of that, he tightened my shoulder capsule.  He told me I would never be able to bench or overhead press again.  I took that to heart, really, but assured myself I would again regardless.

After months and months of grueling and painful rehab, I lost a majority of the range of motion in my shoulder.  I was diagnosed with adhesive capsulitis, something people my age don't usually get.  I was supposed to have another surgery last November to scope out scar tissue and manipulate my shoulder to regain the range of motion I no longer had.  I, instead, chickened out, and had a less invasive (but probably more painful) procedure, where they injected my shoulder capsule with fluid until it burst open like a water balloon.  Well that failed as well, and I'm sitting here still stuck with less than satisfactory range of motion.

After over a year of not lifting a weight, and after all this bullshit I've been handed recently, a good friend and awesome trainer got me off my ass to start training with him at Titan's Gym.  I was reluctant at first because, a) I was extremely depressed and didnt want to do shit, b) was embarrassed at how undertrained I am, and c) didnt think I could lift heavy ever again because my doc told me I CANT.

I've only been back training for 5 days, and I can tell you that I squatted ass to grass with 95 lbs, benched 65, and deadlifted 155.  Not to mention, today I was able to overhead press with 2 20 pound dumbells.  None of these are even close to my old personal records, but they are all a great start, and a small amount of weight compared to where Jay and I will get myself. 

I was told I cant, and I fucking did, and I will continue to.


A few years back, my psychiatrist put me on 3 different medications- 2 for depression and 1 for anxiety.  My first question to her was "when will i be able to get off these medications?"  Her answer- "You will be on these for the long run." In other terms- you CANT get off them.

When I decided I wanted to get off of them, I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I am taking myself off the medications.  All of them.  For good.  No more.  She told me I CANT without consulting with her first- which means another few doctor's visits, another stack of medical bills.  I never went back, and successfully took myself off the medications.  It took a long ass time, and I swear to science I thought I was going to die from the withdrawals, but I made it.  I've been off all medications since I think March of this year or around then. 

I was told I cant, and I fucking did. 

Yeah I may be struggling at this point.  I'm having bad and good days- right now, mostly bad, but that'll change one day. 

The gym has become my safe haven again.  Training again is making me both physically and mentally stronger every day.  When I walk into the gym, the anxiety and depression go away, and I walk out feeling confident and happy again.  Even if it's for a little while, having those few hours to be mentally and physically awesome helps.  And I swear to the almighty flying spaghetti monster- I WILL NOT GO BACK TO BEING ON MEDICATION.  EVER AGAIN.

So fuck the word can't.

Have a lovely evening and weekend.


Love you guys.  All of you.