.trees.
For those looking for a late night story to bore you to sleep, you're welcome.
Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants, not because I felt super happy and magically better, but because my prescription ran out and I couldn't get a hold of my psychiatrist. I believe that's why I had such a bad weekend...Last Friday night I actually had a really rough night and almost hurt myself pretty badly. It was honestly over nothing, but I was almost convinced that I wasnt going to wake up the next morning. Thankfully I have the best people in the world as friends (to those who were there for me that night, thank you). I woke up the next morning very lost and confused. My man told me I made it through the night because I truly belong here...
Now as far back as I can remember, I dont recall anyone ever telling me that I truly belong here. I'm sure it goes without saying that my friends and family feel that way regardless, but I dont think I've ever heard those words out loud. I thought about it for awhile, and I think it had some profound effect on me. I decided then and there that instead of refilling my prescription, that I would just take myself off completely.
I had been weighing out the consequences of doing this. I knew I might be a lot more emotional than I have been, that maybe I would start getting depressed and tired all the time, that my body would have to withdraw and detox from my prescription...but I didnt think it was going to make me as sick as I got.
I started taking 40mg of Celexa in March of 2011, and have taken it every day since. I used to be on klonopin and welbutrin ontop of the Celexa as well, but was able to take myself off of both on my own. The dosage I am on may not seem like a large amount, but it is a higher dosage than most people take. Its usually given out as 10 and 20mg in milder cases. You don't really realize how much your body becomes addicted and dependent on prescription drugs until you quit them cold turkey.
A few days after I stopped taking the Celexa, I started to experience some serious vertigo and really crazy emotions. At work I would not be able to sit still. I had to be up on my feet all day. I felt like I had some sort of weird OCD. I was extremely emotional...I tried to have conversations with my man about not taking the pills and I would start crying for no reason at all. It actually made me laugh at myself. I'm sure if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was a drug addict or belonged in a straight jacket. I'm awesome.
Anyways, 2 days ago, it started to become unbearable to even stand up or sit still. The only position I could be in without spinning was laying down. It was hard to turn my head and eyes to look to the left or the right. I was so tired and bitchy too, my bad guys :) Work was just fantastic to bare, considering I had to administer concussion baseline tests to my swim and girls basketball teams. I had to monitor a bunch of high schoolers and answer questions while trying not to fall over and be a giant bitch face to everyone at the same time. I gotta hand it to myself, I did a great job.
So yeah I got pretty bad and decided last night that I'd refill my prescription and take one, with a few dramamines to take the edge off...Im so lame and old. I felt better pretty quick after that and was able to have a pretty badass time with my girls.
I am still hell bent on taking myself off of the Celexa. I guess I just need to take it a little easier instead of quitting them all at once. I guess I just feel like I'm not me anymore...it's more like me but masked with chemicals, if that makes any sense. I feel like nowadays I have everything I need in life and I have figured out better ways to cope with stress. I slip sometimes but I always come to my senses pretty quick or get a reality check from at least one of my friends. I know that before I got on medication I used to be unbearable to deal with at times, but at this point I have weeded out my true friends from the weak ones, and stick with people who really know me and how I work, and are able to help instead of making it worse. It's actually pretty sweet being able to trust every single one of your friends. I haven't had that until recently, but I hear it's all part of getting older and maturing....barf. Whatever.
Think twice before anyone wants to throw you on some medication before trying other means first. I wasn't really even given a chance when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was just like "oh well you're depressed, here's 3 prescriptions, have fun bitch!" I mean I saw a therapist to talk with every week, but that was after I was on the medication already. Prescription drugs are really handed out like candy nowadays, but they can be extremely dangerous, and sometimes more abused addictive than street drugs.
Scary that the drugs we are handed LEGALLY actually make us worse...isnt it?
Try something a little more natural before you resort to chemicals.
<3
