This is Not Your Year

2011...

Definitely a year of growth and change for me.  I can't say I'm sad to see it go, and I can say with all honesty this was the roughest year of my life thus far.   It started off poorly, and ended poorly as well.   I can't say I remember everything that has happened (my memory blows), but I remember most.  I want to throw some of these random memories out there so I can leave them behind and move on. 

We rang in the New Year last year at Boo's cousin's house.  We drank our asses off and had a wonderful night.  It was my second year celebrating the New Year with my best friend....this year will be the 3rd, and definitely not the last.  I've written about her a few times and I really dont need to repeat myself, but our relationship has really grown this year.  We spent a few months apart, but we found each other again, and we will, from now on, be inseparable.  My best friend, my sister, was diagnosed with brain cancer this year, but in the years to follow, we're gonna beat that.  We're a united front and nothing can stop us. 

I added a few scars to my body, shed some pounds due to anorexia, and lost a part of myself. I started therapy this year in March. It's a mixed bag I suppose...on one hand I have a therapist that I can vent to and that can give me advice and stimulate my brain.  On the other hand, I have to wake up and take a pill every morning to control my mood.  I will continue on with therapy and whatnot, and see where it takes me in life.

I had a couple terrible break ups this year.  I keep in touch with the guys that had a pretty positive effect on my life.  There are a few that I will never speak to again, and that I regret being with, but it's all part of the learning process I suppose.  I feel like I lost a part of myself this summer as I was pretty much using my single relationship status in the wrong way.  I've learned to be more picky and take my time if I do decide to date again. As a friend told me last night, "all we have is time."  I'm honestly not sure that I will put my heart out there again, and I have lost a TON of hope and trust as a result of some of these break ups.  Who knows, maybe one day someone will be able to sweep me off my feet again...

I lost my Great Aunt Mary and Great Uncle Will this year, one within a month of the other.  They lived a long and happy life together, and it was clear that one could not live without the other simply because they were literally eachother's everything.  This did give me hope that love can in fact last a life time.  They were together their whole lives, and will continue to be together in the afterlife.  Their deaths enabled me to finally visit my Grampa Maher's grave site.  My aunt and uncle were buried within feet of my grampa...which we were unaware of...So it was actually a very touching experience. 

The positives of 2011 that I will not be leaving in the past: 

The new friends I've made

Friendships that have become stronger

The sweet concerts I went to

Family that I have become closer to

Powerlifting and long runs

My crazy hair styles and colors- special shoutout to my little cousin for this one <3

My new tattoos and piercings

My amazing job: my switch to a new PT clinic, and the opportunity to work with people who challenge my knowledge and help me learn how to become better at what I do.  My VASJ kids, who mean the absolute world to me.  

My opportunity to continue my education in the graduate program at CSU. 

It always helps to end with the positive...makes me think that maybe 2011 wasnt THAT awful.

A new year is about to start, which means I am putting an end to this chapter and starting a new one.  Chapter 24 in my life, Chapter 2012...  Have a happy and safe New Year everyone!  Leave the past in the past, and celebrate...there is no greater time than right now, and tomorrow never exists.

So here's to you 2011.  Cheers.

 Much love

Bittersweet

Today, my brother and his girlfriend graduated from PT school.  My big brother was recognized for the first time in front of a crown of thousands as Dr. John Campolieti.  The girl he loves was recognized for the first time in front of that same crowd as Dr. Lindsay Sellers.  Everything they have worked for has finally paid off.  Nine years of grade school, four years of high school, four years of undergraduate, and three long years of PT school, and he's all done.  Words cannot express the joy and pride I felt in my heart today when I got to see MY brother receive his doctoral hood and his diploma.  Today was a good day.

This morning during the ceremony, one of my good friends and I reconciled and apologized to one another and came to an understanding.  The past couple of days, it was sure that we would no longer be friends.  My heart was filled with happiness.  Today was a good day.

Tonight, I got to go to dinner with my family and Lindsay's family at a wonderful restaurant.  I got to buy my parents, brother, and Lindsay a drink at the bar.  I got to spend time with the family of the girl that my brother loves.  Our families shared stories and laughs.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, my boyfriend dumped me via text message out of the blue.  He said he had too much to deal with.  The last time I spoke to him he told me how much he loved me and how he wanted so bad for us to work.  He said he wouldn't leave me through the rough times like my last boyfriend did.  Last night I told him how much he meant to me and how much I miss and love him.  He never answered me until this morning when he said "leave me alone." He dumped me while I was at dinner with our families. My family already insists that my relationships are jokes.  They basically laugh at me when I say I met someone anymore.  Last week, my grandma told my cousin that she probably will never meet my most recent boyfriend because he'll be gone before we know it.  Tonight she said at the dinner table that I go through guys like crazy.  Unfortunately, Gram, it's the guys that go through me so quickly. Tonight was a bad night.

Tonight, I was so shocked, overwhelmed, alone, and sad, that I had to take pills to calm me down.  Tonight was a bad night.

Tonight, I called on my best friend to talk me through yet another break-up even though she has more serious problems going on.  My best friend has cancer, and she took the time out of her night to turn my tears into laughter in a matter of seconds.  She put aside her much more serious problems to help her friend, whose problem is so small and irrelevant.  She has to deal with me like this constantly.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, I had just stopped crying in time to catch the very end of one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption.  I caught it just in time to hear the quote that I have tattood on my leg.  "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, a couple of my closest friends (one being an ex that I have recently become friends with), and my big cousin saw my relationship status had changed on facebook, and took time out of their lives to text me to make sure I was okay, that I could always talk to them about anything at any time of any day.  Tonight was a good night.

Tonight, I get to spend time with my brother just watching tv.  We probably will hardly talk to each other, but he's home, he's here, he's my big brother...and he's moving up in the world.  Sooner or later I wont be able to have a night like this.  Tonight is a good night.

Tomorrow...well tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will deal with it when it gets here. 

Let Go, Babydoll

This blog is about what happened to me exactly four years (I'm roughly 24 hours early on this one).  Maybe no one will really understand it, but I need to get it out there because it's been weighing heavily on my mind since last night.  I didnt even realize the date until I layed down in my bed...and I ended up crying myself to sleep, thinking how life could have been, and how 4 years ago changed everything. 

**Flashback to 4 years ago**

It's Friday, the last day of finals.  Time for Christmas break!  I was considering going home that day, until one of my classmates decided to throw a party at her house.  My roomie and I decided we'd think about going...we already had made plans to go to BDubbs with my brother and his friends to celebrate the end of the semester.  So we did that and decided what the hell...let's go to her house and have a good time.  Little did I know, that was the night that would change my life for a long time coming.  I looked like mismatched crap.  Brown slip on shoes (the knock off Ugg kind), ripped jeans, black tanktop under a bright blue hoodie, dark hair, barely any makeup.  I remember not giving much of a shit to be honest.  The one thing I remember is staring across the room and meeting his bright blue eyes and shy smile.  He was wearing skater shoes, jeans, a gray half zip up hoodie with no undershirt, and a black skullcap.  I swear I met his eyes for maybe a second...but i knew i had to know him.  So me, being the overbearingly outspoken girl that I am, decided to yell WHOS PLAYING THUNDERSTRUCK?!  I egged him and his friends on to come down to the basement with us to play, and they did.  We all played, laughed, danced...and it was fun.  I asked for his number, to see if maybe he would wanna come dancing with us sometime.  I remember spelling his incredibly simple name wrong in my phone.  A couple minutes later, he said he had to leave, and that was it for then.  

A couple weeks later, after almost getting killed in a snowy car crash, I took a chance and texted him.  Over break we NEVER stopped talking...pretty much every night until 4am we spent the night on AIM (I'm dating myself here) getting to know eachother.  We had EVERYTHING in common. I decided to come back from break a day early with my roomie to have him and his best friend over for movies and drinks.  That night was our first kiss.  I was drunk, yes.  Oops...but I'll never forget it.  As a matter of fact, I was his first kiss, period.  From then on, we were almost inseparable.

I cant really sum up the next 4 years into words really.  Most of you know who I'm talking about, most of you have been there for the ride along side me, most of you know the stories.  We were on and off for about 3 years.  Through everything, he's always been there for me -as a friend, as a boyfriend, as a family member.  Three Christmases together, 3 Easters, 3 New Years, 3 Thanksgivings, 3 trips to Canada, a trip to Chicago, 2 trips to Traverse City, countless family get-togethers, amazing concerts, living together, working out together, losing weight together, him saving my life many times, fights, seeing other people, me moving 2 hours away, etc.  It's been 4 long and unforgettable years.

My room is filled with his drawings and paintings, the music I have is pretty much all his, I have 3 rings from him that I wear every single day, my bed has a few stuffed animals from him, he has 2 of mine, i even have a pair of his boxers, the laptop with which I am typing on is from him, our "Triangle Force" stones, presents from his parents, etc.  Basically, my every day life is full of him.  I can't bare to remove anything.

Even though we have different lives now, I still have a hard time thinking that him and I will not end up together.  That has always been my plan since we started dating, to be with him my whole life.  I will admit that I had screwed up our relationship over and over and over again...due to fear, due to depression, due to selfishness.  It was always me that messed up.  I regret it, yes, but it's part of life.  It's something that will probably always weight heavy in my heart. 

This blog is about regrets, acceptance of hardships, and the struggle to move on.  This is incredibly painful for me to write.  This is something we all will go through.  This is one of those shitty parts of life.  Nothing much else I can say. 

I will leave you with one quote.  For Christmas last year, I asked him to make me a picture of a Pooh Bear quote (because he always called me Pooh Bear).  As I opened up this gift last Christmas and read it, I had to put it down because I did not want to cry infront of my family.  It is possibly the most meaningful gift I ever have and ever will receive.  I keep it on my nightstand, and read it almost every night before I go to bed, and it never fails to make me cry.  He said he picked this quote because he wanted me to always feel safe:

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,  and smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."  --Winnie the Pooh

We Were Never Meant to Worry...

...The Way That People Do.

So I haven't written for a while now...It's been a crazy busy couple of weeks.  Tonight I actually have some free time to write, and a pretty damn good reason to do so.  

As some of you have read, I have a friend, "Boo," who has been struggling with some medical issues.  I haven't really kept anyone updated about it, but she has been diagnosed with a slow growing brain tumor.  They don't know what it is exactly, but according to the doc, it's something that is manageable.

Tomorrow is a big day for her. She is having her biopsy done in the afternoon.  So before I continue on, make sure you keep her in your thoughts/prayers, regardless of your religious beliefs or whatnot.  Just do her and her family that favor.  

Since she's been going through this, I feel completely helpless.  I'm used to being able to help fix her problems, but this is one thing I have no control over.  As her best friend/sister, I want to be able to take this off of her shoulders, but I have quickly learned that the most I can do is be there for her as much as possible.  I know I am not PHYSICALLY going through what she is going through, but I feel like MENTALLY I am right there with her.  I feel her fear, sadness, confusion, frustration, etc, every single day.  I recently told her that although I've been very happy lately, I cannot be 100% happy knowing that this is happening.  This whole situation is in the foreground of my thoughts constantly.

As I said, as her best friend, all I can do is be there to support her and do whatever it is that she needs me to do, whether it's take her out, play a stupid board game with her, text her, call her...whatevs.  So tomorrow I have decided that I need to be there for her at the hospital before she goes into surgery.  I have 2 basketball games to work tomorrow night, but I am going to stay at the hospital with her family as long as possible.  I just want to hold her hand for a second, hug her, and tell her I love her before this procedure starts...as well as give her an awesome good luck charm which will make her day.  If that's all I can do, then so be it.  I mean, I would totally do the surgery myself but I don't want her ending up dead...so yeah, that's about all I can do.

Something I have been struggling to do is keep my composure and keep my fears to myself around her.  I believe her and I had this conversation already.  If I can't be strong for her, how can she be strong for herself?  Yes, I'm worried, I'm scared, I cry about it, but that's not something she needs to listen to.  Whenever I talk to her, I act as strong and fearless as possible.  In the back of my mind, I have no doubt that everything will end up okay, so that really helps.   We all tend to think the worst at times like this, and that's okay, but it's not how any of us should think.  No one knows what's going to happen in the future anyways, so while we wait, we have to enjoy the here and now.  "Live for Today," as mine and Boo's tattoos say.  All I can do is be hopeful and have faith that everything really will turn out okay.

She's my best friend, and has been since we started hanging out.  I could not live a day without her.  She will be standing next to me at my wedding, she will be an aunt to my kids, and we'll grow old together and throw our dentures at each other when we're geriatric patients in a nursing home (hopefully at Millionaire Estates, where the Life chips are plentiful). 

Boo, if you're reading this, remember that you won at the game of Life, so obviously that shows you that you'll get through this with ease. I love you, I need you in my life always, and I'm so thankful to have a friend like you.  All of our mutual friends care about you so much and love you dearly (not as much as I, of course).  And the people in the future that will meet you will be lucky that you have graced their presence. 

We will get through this together...magic fingazzzz and all.  

<3